Love can blind you to the red flags and overwhelming flaws within your romantic partner.  The emotional fallout is often catastrophic once all is truly seen and understood.  I beat myself up over the poor choices that I have made when it has come to love.  It is not some omnipotent force that can conquer the world.  It is a bond that has to be cultivated on a daily basis by both parties.  People jump into serious relationships without truly knowing whom they are with or who they are when they are with this wrong choice.  It is amazing to me that I uprooted my entire life to be with someone only to have him treat me in a most discarded manner.

The worst feeling in the world is feeling as if you are of one accord with your betrothed only to be upstage by the painful reality.  You are not a love interest but a healing resource.  In truth, it is another vein of struggle love.  The lost, confused, unstable, and toxic often seek out poor unfortunate souls on the love agenda.  It is only a matter of time before the flames go up and the hat is thrown in the air.  Punches are thrown and half naked men are swimming across the water.  Chairs are used and people are dragged.  Only this brawl is not televised.  It is you life.

You can be the most accomplished person at your job with a thriving career.  Eating obstacles for breakfast and dining on the carcasses of your opponents.  All the while, your partner is not only on your team but has climbed into the bed of another.  Instead of being transparent with you, colorful tall tales mount themselves as suspicion crawls through your mind.  Odd statements occur with fake support and just a general uneasy sensation rules your life.  You pray to God to remove your enemies and all of a sudden, you are single.

I could have been married by now.  Unhappy would be an understatement.  There was no way I could swallow the amount of horseshit that was being slung or insane chaos that was being created for me.  I require clear communication and respect.  Love would be nice but I need the other two first and foremost.  Loyalty and compassion round out the list.  That is about it.  These are the things that I treasure and can’t seem to have.  Tired of trying and failing.  My discernment is better; however, fear of the insane has settled.  No more mates with mental issues.  Such things are never shared with me, but yet the ugly raises its head and destroys my life.  My feelings.  My little picture that was being painted.

No one knows how much I wanted my last relationship to work.  My presence held zero value.  Emotional unavailable was rampant and respect did not exist.  Stalking did.  The inability to leave me alone instead of not truly wanting me was frustrating me.  My life could not truly move on because this shallow shell of a person would not leave me the hell alone.  My therapist was tired of the stories.  My friends did not really know what was happening.  There was one confidant that I ended up sharing the situation with.  Her silence signaled her shock.

These days are spent without the hint or desire of anyone in my life.  It is all the same.  Not feeling like much of a catch these days.  By the same token, I can’t take the chance of someone bringing terror and wrecking havoc upon my quiet life.  Peace and solitude are my friends.  The silence is my refuge.