During the last year, I have discovered that I can’t keep up with everyone in my friend circle.  It is difficult to deal with my own life and continue to interact with others on a high level.  I have often found myself absorbed with my own problems or preparing for my next performance.  Time with friends simply dwindled.  Supporting others slowly went out the window along with social outings.  Again, with the same common thread of being broke.

I was absolutely more chatty and energetic about my social exchanges.  Now, maybe it would appear that I hide.  2024 is the year of me focusing on building relationships across the board.  Of late, I have noticed that business is solely appearing from my network.  New clients are not rolling in.  My actions towards maintaining business relationships have been stable and non-aggressive.  However, my personal life may be out of sorts.  The women that I know are married.  Oftentimes, there is no one to hang out with me when I am able to hang.  The sound healings were a wonderful relief, but I found myself in need of a break from planning them.  Gathering groups of people took a toll on me.

There is something new that I am trying as I approach a new life cycle.  When someone shows me whom they are, I believe them the first time.  There is no room in my heart to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.  Horrible things have been done to me at the hands of family and friends.   These people swore they loved me only to hang me out to dry at the first change that was given to them.  Honestly, with some of the company that I have kept in my life, I did not need enemies.  In some cases, they resided in my home and slept in my bed.  Dating is no longer a goal.  Marriage is no longer a belief.

Sometimes, I wish that there was someone that could come over and just have tea with me.  Just for an hour or two.  We could talk about the changing weather, Beyonce going into Country, or even Fani Willis.  I really like her.  By the same token, my house does not look the same.  My construction site of a living arrangement may cause some questions.  There are more repairs than claim money.  It is okay for me to live here but maybe my friends do not want to see all of this.  I do not go anywhere anymore and it is just one continuous team of me.  There is the occasional phone call.  I hear the words coming out of my mouth as my overall anxious feeling of I will not survive sits in my soul.  We do not have to broach the non-existent topic of my private life.

The inability to keep up or maintain myself makes me feel extremely worthless.  A canceled performance can cause me to plummet or a small issue can be magnified.  My fear of driving increases by the day, and an empty fridge is commonplace.  Food distribution dates are in my planner, and there is another food pantry has piqued my curiosity.  I look at people begging in the street and realize that I am five minutes away from what they are doing.  Financial planners and budget girls have all been unfollowed due to my money hyper sensitivity.

I still look at the boutique videos to admire the dresses that I can’t afford.  Coffee and flowers were purchased today, and my hair will keep for another two weeks or so.  Life is hard and frightening.  All I can do is keep trying and pray.