Around 10pm each night, I crash and burn. I can’t shower. I can’t finish the dishes. All I can do is crawl my limp carcass to my bed fully clothed and pass out. When I awake two hours later, I shower and wash the dishes. The bed embraces me once again as the remainder of the night is spend in and out of sleep. By the time the sun is in the sky, my favorite walking time does not happen. This is courtesy of the pain in my body which does not encourage me to leave my bed. If I had a regular 9-5 job, I would have been fired already.
My throat is often dry and swallowing becomes uncomfortable. My eyes are even drier, and I suddenly hate bras. Perspiration has stopped. At least my emotions are regulated for now. Moments of heat overwhelm me. Pools have taken on a new meaning in my life. An online support group for black women sees me several times a day because I feel as if they are the only ones that can understand me. My friends all of have kids or are trying to have another one. I am extremely uncomfortable sharing this chaos with them. My daily hell is only exacerbated by the fact that I can’t afford to get the labs done. Even at a lower price in a place other than Quest, I still have to wait to pay for the four that I need. All I can do is hope that I am able to book a job soon enough so that my GYN can prescribe drugs to help me. Sometimes, I feel utterly worthless. Why? I was born with the power to bring forth life. For this, I feel punished.
This has been worse than actual cycles. There was no memo and no one said anything other than hot flashes and a lack of babies. Well, screaming little humans were never on my agenda. Neither were hot flashes, but here the hell I am. I do mean hell.