It was 4am. As I returned to bed, the floor vanished beneath my feet and my back went boom. There a lay in my 60 degree home with no pants or socks on. My ego was bruised. Some of my performances take place in assisted living facilities; do I need to live in one? I picked myself up and crawled back under the covers. The warmth soon over took my cold person as sleep never returned until around 8am. My life has to change.
The house has two rooms that are never filled. It is dark and quiet at night. Happy experiences go unshared. Meals are always solo. There is no one to pick me up off the floor when I fall. There is no one to talk to about the fact that now my lower back hurts, and I need my chiropractor. What did I do in my life to end up in this situation? I am not far from being fifty, and there is no relationship in sight. Even if there was, marriage does not take place over night.
I have lived with significant others before. My take away is that living together without any solid direction together is futile. While I do believe in a modern way of thinking, I can say that there is something to be said for this traditional value. My next roommate should be my spouse. The loneliness persists and sometimes, the silence is overbearing. Instrumental music, night meditations, and TUBI are constantly being played. Sometimes, I am sad when I have to go home because the party is truly over. Bed time is pushed back to a late hour in order to avoid waking up to the loneliness in the middle of the night.
This persistent predicament is further aggravated by an inconsistent income and the dissipation of physical tribe. There used to be groups of people with whom I would roll for different reasons. Now? There are people that I talk to and may even enjoy tea with. However, there was no one for me to call at 4am. It took an online circle for me to process my feelings and understand that I am not alone even if the women are all around the world. My FB menopause group chimed in with comforting comments which today, I truly needed to receive.
I am tired of having to be my own support system. I am tired of caring for myself. I am tired of this life being the way that it is. I am tired.