Tag Archives: marriage

SETTLING FOR HIM: THE ULTIMATE EXCUSES

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THE LIST
1.) I have never really gotten serious in a relationship because of my children(please note that the children are college age).

2.) I have been with him for ten years. Who else would I date? I do not like being with a lot of people.

3.) Maybe one day, I will meet someone that will actually love me and want to get married.

4.) You should not turn him away. Don’t you know how many women would be happy just to have a man to talk to?

5.) Sorry that I have to cancel our plans today. He wants to spend time with me.

MY REACTIONS
1.) Children are not scape goats that exist simply to be used to cover your fear of rejection or attempts at being happy just for yourself. Children are happier when their parents are happy.

2.) You have been with a man for ten years. He doesn’t want to move in. He doesn’t want to marry you. There is nothing wrong with such things. Oh wait a second, you want to live together and get married. Instead of dumping this pattern that he has trained you for, you simply give up your dreams just to keep this bastard. Why? Because you do not want to be alone. In truth, it may do you some good so that you can analyze what you really want.

3.) You will never meet anyone that will love you because you do not love you. Instead of wasting your time dreaming that prince charming will suddenly spring forward out of the relationship that you have, get rid of him so that you can get what you really want!
My biggest problem with this list is that I have actually heard all of these statements.
There are women that want to be married so badly that they live with a man for years upon years awaiting a proposal that of course never comes. Sometimes, the woman receives an engagement ring only to be left in limbo that never concludes with marriage.

4.) I don’t need a man just to talk to just for the sake of talking to him. I don’t need a man to complete me(I HATE THAT SAYING!). I may want one to have compassion, passion, love, joy, and humor…an actual relationship filled with good components.

5.) If you are able to surrender yourself so easily for the minor whims of a man that may not be here tomorrow, you may not find your comfort in your friends when he finds someone else that has a backbone. I was actually asked if I would cancel at time with friends if my man wanted to hang out with me just the other day…let me pause for effect….I have never cancelled plans with friends to hang out with a boyfriend and have no intentions of doing so in the future. A man that is secure in his manhood will have no problems with his woman spending time with her friends. He will actually appreciate the time apart to continue is own self-discovery and perhaps a football game with his boys.

My biggest problem with this list is that I have heard all of these statements. I am sure that many of you have as well. Unfortunately, many women believe that they are in competition with other women for the attention of a man. I did not know a man was that important…well, to others. The only competition that should be in existence is the one between who you were yesterday vs. who you are today: was there an improvement? If a man does not want to marry you, why do you want to marry someone that does not want to be with you? Is this for the opportunity to wear the expensive white dress and have everyone stare at you? Throw a party!!!

Some of you will remember the episode of Sex in the City where Carrie cancelled on Miranda because Big wanted to see her at the last minute. This violates some sort of sister code for me. She took the time out of her busy schedule to bond with you because she felt it was important, and you dropped her for the shot at some guy. Ladies, how do you feel when you are awaiting your girlfriend only to be surprised by her and her beau?(no notice or consideration for your private girl time). What about the famous last second cell phone call, “Do you mind if he comes?” DON’T PUT ME IN THIS AWKWARD POSITION! If I wanted to spend time with both of you, I would have said so. What happens if I respond no or we can reschedule if you want to spend time with him without hurting my feelings; is that now going to affect our relationship?

More women have yet to reach the realization of the importance of their time with friends; other women. You can have a mate and friends without sacrificing either. All too often, the “Maggie Syndrome”(read The Olive) occurs and it is very sad. As I pen this post, my mind reflects on the last circle of sisterhood on the Aquarian Full Moon. A portion is listed here:

Each sister that attended received a message from me: I wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to come to the womens’ circle this evening on the full moon. It was wonderful to share and connect with all of you in our sacred space. Remember to build on such connections. Please keep in touch. No sister of mine is a stranger. I look forward to seeing all of you in the future. Stay blessed, and remember your time in the circle.

I urge all women to remember your time in your respective circles: family, coworkers, friends, etc. Seek the knowledge of your grandmothers and listen to the adivce of your mother. Your time in such company is important. Time with your sisters is important. Remember your sacred time in all circles. By doing so, you honor yourself.

WEDDING VS. MARRIAGE: WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?

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White bridal dress. Tears. Runner. Bridal Party. String quartet. Cake. Family. Unity candle. These are some of the things that come to mind when I think about a wedding. I have seen more than my fair share of them in my day. There are the million dollar affairs where the wedding coordination team operates everything like a military unit down to the two people that show up in a chapel in jeans. Different strokes for different folks. However, one question always pops in my mind. Is it a wedding that is desired or a marriage?

The typical wedding puts the bride in the spotlight. Yes, families come together to celebrate their union through love and presents are bestowed upon the happy couple. Although the groom may begin the whole production by proposing, it is the bride that is given the most attention on that day. She is kept hidden and fussed over which sometimes causes emotions to run out of control. Many a bride is allowed to make unreasonable demands which then turns everyone into a ranting raving lunatic until some brave soul is able to control the situation. No one wants an unhappy bride thus people prance around to please her: hair stylist, make-up artist, nail tech etc. Oh the stares of the lovely lady in virginal white. The dress costs a fortune, and she has been on a diet for years. Let us not leave out the sign of the times: the moment she changes her relationship status from engaged to married.

The tossing of the bridal bouquet is taken quite seriously in many circles. Sometimes, women are not as nice to each other while leaping through the air to catch the floral symbol of you are next to wed. What is the rush? Could it be the old standby of the biological clock is ticking? Is it the assumption that we are suppossed to be married by some magical number? Where did all of this originate?

As the divorce rate looms out of control, one wonders if people are truly paying attention to the officiant during the ceremony. It is normally said aloud that marriage isn’t a union which should be entered into lightly. Careful thought should be put into the joining of hands. Now, is it the joining of hands that gets the careful thought or the execution of the large production to please people that will not be present during the first fight? Oh, I am just getting started with this one.

If a woman chooses to keep her last name, she is often chastised for being too modern. The whispers of disapproval begin at the cocktail hour. “You take the last name of your husband to honor him…”. As my eyes roll in utter disgust, I think that that a man should be honored to have you as his wife and shouldn’t care if you choose to keep your last name. My mind reflects on what a colorful sociology professor said during my undergrad years…”I have been married three times and each time, I kept my last name. He married me. He did not adopt me.” A woman may choose to keep her last name as a tie to her origin, her ancestral line, her own identity. She may even answer to Mrs. so and so but keep her maiden name on documents. Maiden name…as if she is Rapunzel or something….

Perhaps there is something to be said about a woman choosing to marry another woman. There are so many debates over this, and its an issue that remains on the legal table. However, when it boils down to the very last grain of rice, why is there an issue with two human beings loving each other and choosing to declare their love publicly? Isn’t that the so called dream? To walk down that aisle in that expensive dress that you get to wear once? Isn’t this the slice of the pie that we are trained to want with all our heart and soul?

People actually begin to wonder about a woman if she is not married by a certain age. She must be a cat person. Workaholic. The inevitable opinions start to swarm freely. You should get out more. I want some wedding cake. Oh, you are too picky. Do you still like men? Don’t you want to give your parents grandchildren before they die? Ah, yes that is the answer: rush into a parenting situation in order to please people before their mortality runs out. Why is the guilt trip necessary?

There are women that choose to marry themselves until further notice. This may be a compromise of sorts. People get to attend a wedding atmosphere and eat cake. Mom can see you walk down the aisle in that white dress and everyone is happy. You do not wake up the next morning realizing that this person is yours for the remainder of your lifetime on earth. Here comes my point.

A wedding is a party that has been blown out of proportion by a billion dolloar industry. When two people fall in love and decide to be together, that is a connection that is celebrated by the two of them. Nothing else is truly necessary. Of course, most want to include their families and close friends but at the end of the day, its about the relationship between the couple. That vision sometimes gets lost among the open bars and photo booths.

If you want a party, have it. You can even have a theme or a coordinator. Invite all your friends and be the life of it all. However, if you want to get married, put the relationship before the pomp and circumstance. It is important. If you invite me, I will attend and have a glass of champagne. Maybe, a dance or two and definetely a slice of the cake.