What I Want

This last week was extremely exhausting for me. Between late rehearsals and performances, I was a complete wreck. It made me realize something that has never been considered before. I have spent the better part of my life investing in other people; their children, their dreams, their futures. When I look around, there is no one at my side. There isn’t anyone for me to take to the museum or the Halloween orchestra concert for kids. At this stage of the game, there are resources at my fingertips and ideas that overflow. However, there isn’t a child of my own to reap the benefits. It makes me sad.
It was around this time last year that I announced to my mother that I wanted to have a baby. Her “supportive” nature enabled her to advise me to adopt because pregnancy may be difficult for me. The statement fell on deaf ears given that I am a premie and wasn’t expected to see the ripe ole age of 40. The early part of this year was spent choosing nursery colors and browsing baby clothes. Apparently, the little bundles of joy can be quite stylish.
My 30s were spent enjoying my freedom and glasses of white wine. After my father died, family took on a new meaning to me. As 40 hit, I knew that my own personal unit was something that I wanted. A significant other and a baby. Experiences, love, living, and joy. The whole package is of great interest to me. Life changing is an under statement. I guess that a decade can change a woman’s mind about previous goals.

Harpitation: A Baby’s Welcome

I became friends with a pregnant woman. We talk every Monday for about an hour. I have been wanting to serenade her baby for a while now, and today brought that opportunity my way. Two other coworkers joined us for the festivities. There we were in a rugged formation. Holding space for the upcoming arrival of a new bundle of joy; four women welcoming a little girl.
The swells of the music touched everyone. The movements of the baby changed to a relaxed nature. She would violently kick her mother in between songs as if to say, “What is happening”. All of us sat and talked for a good while enjoying the celestial space that had been created. It wasn’t until later in the evening when I realized what had actually taken place. It was a special moment for all of us.

Chapel vs. Carriage

I gifted a coworker with a journal for her upcoming baby girl. She was so touched by the special gesture. We have spent many a day simply talking about personal space and all things baby. I felt comfortable talking to her about my hidden desire to give birth. It was a safe space for me to express myself. It seemed only natural that I help her to celebrate her own gift.
While sitting in the GYN office yesterday afternoon, I spied a tagline in a magazine that helped me come to a realization. There is clothing available that allows you to breast feed without making an announcement to the entire world. While I am concerned about what will happen to my breasts as a result, breastfeeding seems to be the route for me to go. My division of natural vs. unnatural still looms around everything but, it will be important to give a baby the best foot going forward.
My color selection for the nursery has gone from lilac to off white. I am a strong believer in pink for girls and blue for boys; however, who decided that each color was exclusive based on gender? It would be best if I simply chose a nice soft color that can be adjusted based on the personality that will come into existence. An elephant will be included. The thought of an interior designer even came to mind but that quickly vanished.
Is it wrong to plan a nursery before a wedding? Maybe. But this is where I am…..


This dreaded list gets emphasized during this time of year. It could be that people look for conversation pieces in an effort to talk to one another at the fattening dining table; however, the best of intentions often cause the worst of pains..Let us begin.

1.)IF YOU ARE SINGLE…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START DATING?” There are reasons why an individual may be single.

*Recent Breakup- A wise person would not jump into a serious relationship after ending one. A time of healing and readjustment needs to happen. A new relationship would simply build upon the baggage of the previous one and simply lead to more pain and heartache.

*DATING POOL- Many people who ask when are you going to start dating are actually unaware of the dating scene. It is not that easy to meet someone. Don’t believe me? Have you ever been able to have a serious conversation with someone in a club? Why are there so many online dating sites? There are matchmakers a foot as well that command a pretty penny for the opportunity of marriage. What if you are looking for a particular type of person that you simply have not seen and you prefer to wait?

*Spiritual Reasons- Sometimes, an individual is going through a spiritual awakening and does not need the added responsibility and pressures that a relationship can bring to the table. When on the quest to develop yourself on such a level, isolation is often a part of the equation. Sometimes, friends have to be removed as well because it is discovered that they were not friends to begin with.

*Marriage is an institution that is recognized by god and the law. People are not bound in their own beliefs to recognize marriage as a legitimate goal.

*Divorces run rampant in this day and age. One has a lot to consider before considering an engagement and being tied to this individual for an entire lifetime…until death us do part. That is a serious piece of pie….

*Marriage may not be an option.

*When you are asked this question, does that person want to be married or simply attend a wedding?


*Please define the word sin. If you do have a definition, enlighten the rest of us that do not use this term.

*Is there a race of some sort to beat the clock? Tick tock tick….
*What if you just want to share a space with the person whom you love? Is this a crime of some sort?

*Not every couple chooses to have a baby. They do have a right to be together without a child being a part of the package.

*Many couples choose to enjoy each other and develop as a couple for a long period of time prior to considering parenthood.

*Some couples are unable to conceive and may not want to participate in such conversation.

*How do you know that this couple hasn’t miscarried but desperately wants a child?

*No, but have you given any thought to the fact that you are on your third piece of pie and your gym membership just expired?

*Yes, but unless you move out, we won’t be able to afford one.
*We did not want the first one but we consider it a blessing!
*No. We have decided that we want tons of dalmations instead…101 to be exact. Perhaps you can dog sit the next time we fly to the South of France….