In my thirties, I was fond of going to spoken word poetry houses as a way of life. It gave me the opportunity to connect with people while observing an art form. More often than not, I was alone. It is rare that I am in a relationship. It was nothing for me to order my own wine and enjoy my own table. Sometimes, I would even take the stage with my own musical performance and thus wind up in conversation with complete strangers. It only strengthened the strong black woman mentality that I had adopted as my own; I could do everything on my own and didn’t need anyone, especially a man, to assist me. This way of thinking is extremely detrimental.
Tears filled my eyes as I recently told my therapist that it was extremely difficult for me to ask for help. My recent situation put me in a position of being extremely vulnerable with my tribe members. I told them exactly what was happening to me. People in other states provided me with their support. I did not cook for a week. Food just kept appearing so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it. Special items that I may buy for myself appeared on my doorstep without any effort from me. My garbage can would find its way to the street each week. It was a pleasant surprise for me to realize how cherished I truly was.
It has made me reflect on the decade when I thought that I was invincible and could do all things through Crystal. It was unrealistic and isolating. Perhaps this has contributed to the current state of affairs in my non existent relationship. I used to give and give and give. Now, I have a better understanding of a proper balance and boundary setting. My zodiac sign does tend to attract unbalanced people, but I feel as if I excel in this undertaking. These are a few things for me to keep in mind as I trudge on through the second half of my forties.