For a good portion of my life, I was a wallflower.  Difficult conversations were avoided, and I wanted everyone to be happy above all else.  My needs and wants were always at the bottom of the list.  Somewhere along the way, things changed.  I began to learn about the word boundaries.  Reinstating boundaries became a common practice.  No became a complete sentence.  My position of being the eternal resources for all people came to an end.  My battery needed to be recharged so that there would be juice for myself to use.

I rose out of the shadows of others and people began to see me.  The way people addressed me changed because I did not accept anything less than what I deserved.  Weight loss in my thirties brought a lot of attention while my so called best friend turned into her true self; a jealous individual whom was my foe.  Her culminating act of betrayal with my disloyal mother served as her dismissal from my life for good.  She could not handle my new boundaries and simply fell to pieces where I left her; the black pavement of a parking lot.

There is the infamous stud stalker.  When she told me to find someone else because she couldn’t give me what I wanted, that was the moment when she lost me.  I said okay and ended the conversation.  She was startled and called back immediately to ask if I was indeed going to find someone else.  It was complete chaos after that.  She refused to leave my life and began showing up at my home uninvited.  Unwanted phone calls from her friend began to hit my phone as well as useless presents that made me feel so strange.  She claimed that she was trying to get her life together and truly wanted a relationship with me.  No.

She lost me because she volunteered to gamble with me.  She lost me because she willingly put herself in a position to lose me.  This is overlooking the fact that she wanted me to chase her and the other red flags which prevented me from considering her as a mate.  She thought that it would be okay to just put me in a box to sit on a shelf while she figured out her life.  It was just assumed that I would be a doo whop girl instead of the headliner that I truly am.  This theme still rings true today.

My role as an educator for a local school district came to an end earlier this year.  I could no longer endure all that teachers have to digest.  I fell into full time self employment.  It is easier to get up and go work for someone else because of the guaranteed direct deposit every two weeks.  There have been a wide range of emotions.  There is the renewed passion for my craft and the crippling anxiety of how the hell am I going to pay all of these bills.  August was hard.  September was harder.  It took a complete withdrawal from everything for me to get back to myself.  The phone began to ring with sustaining offers.  Here I am.  The headliner of my own life.

Walking away from a full time job put a lot of things in perspective for me.  My tolerance for bullshit is even lower now.  The wax girl ruined her business relationship with me and was replaced with a more professional individual that can clearly communicate her expectations.  I had an appointment last week, and left without receiving a money hounding text.  It was refreshing.

My private life does concern me.  Where is my go to person?  Whom is my person?  Are they sane?  Will they attempt to throw chaos at me?  I do not know the last time that I had a normal relationship.  At this point, decent conversation over ancestral waking coffee would be an awesome start.  While my type may be variable right now, it need to exist as my hope has dwindled.  Marriage no longer looks attractive to me, and separate living spaces sounds wonderful.  I just want to move forward on the premise that I can not be the background to the foreground of another without so much as a conversation.  We have to build together or nothing at all.  There is no backseat.  Doo whop is not my melody.