Category Archives: Deep

Growth is Hard

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Growth is not always a walk in the park. Trying to improve your entire life requires extreme efforts on all fronts. You may have to call for professional backup; therapist, maid, chef, astrologer, and stylist just to name a few. At the ripe age of 42, I recognize that there are some things about myself that have gone unchecked and have festered into a creature beyond my control. I have created a team of helpers to reel all of that in. This does not include bottomless mimosas or a quick trip to the nail salon. This is real work.
Constant reflection is required. Cleaning out my closet and folding clothes from the dryer are actual activities. Do you know that you have to make decent food choices so that you do not look like an oversized fluffy teddy bear that people want to hug? Frustrations led to me eating everything in sight earlier this year. Chipotle introduced me to Pinto Beans and Door Dash introduced me to the world of food delivery. My body never stood a chance.
Emotional stress can start illness within your person. A family event found me sick with fever and feeling much like a Leper. There I was coughing like I was about to die. Upon entrance to the examination room, my doctor proclaimed “Bronchitis”. I spent several nights coughing myself to the other side of life. Gasping for air and a lack of appetite swept me into fear. There was a gurgle in my throat simply because I was breathing. A Pap is an easier experience. Moving on…
While learning more about a topic that has always scared me, post it notes, note cards, and highlighters have taken over. I created a positive affirmation wall filled with wonderful IG posts to help me embrace this with an open mind. It is important to keep a willingness to learn new things even if the subject matter is foreign and verbose.
Perhaps the most unsettling part of this entire process is that my sense of self is different. I know who I was but I am not sure who I am or where I am going. What I do know is that I want a change in my life and I am doing what is in my power to get it. There is a flashlight in my hand that is shining a light into places that require more light so that cobwebs can be removed and sunflowers can freely reach for the sun. Growth is not always easy and this one is putting me in the race for my own fulfillment. However, if I do not address it now, then I never will.

I don’t fit: Ch 3

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This is not to say that I do not have friends. There are associates, coworkers, friends, and dear friends. A best friend is not in the cards for me. There have been love interests. However, as of this moment, I am unable to say with certainty that there is a single person on this planet that considers me a high priority. Unless I am functioning with one of my work capacities, no one is looking for me. That is because everyone has their own entourage to deal with and enjoy.
Faith and patience have been my themes for this year. Faith that I can reproduce in spite of my feminine woes and patience to create that family structure. I have no intention of being a single parent. While my mother has encouraged me to adopt instead of carry because it will be difficult, I say that it may be difficult but not impossible. Women were giving birth during late stages of life for centuries before medicine started dictating standards through the mouths of men.

I don’t fit: Ch 2

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My time was being spent developing me. The nights of picking up my best friend to spend a fortune on food were no more. Cooking had to become a constant activity because of the detox that Pilates was causing. After work, I stopped going to hang out with her at her job because I had to go home to research topics that interested me. The phone calls that I would normally make on her behalf suddenly became her responsibility. Her insecurities continued to rise to the surface. When she could no longer control me, she tried to change how someone else saw me; she took it upon herself to share personal info about me with my mother. Shortly after that incident, I banished her from my world despite attempts to keep me. The best part? I did not miss her. Wow.
Pilates and bellydancing continued. After a beach photo shoot, new information about me began to unfold before my very eyes. It became evident that all of these years, my tragic private life was spent with the wrong type of person. It took some years before I could accept this for myself. My spiritual views were very encouraging of my new found tastes, and also rather encouraging. My mother on the other hand remained ever negative against me. Never approving of choices that I made for myself and always overly critical and generally negative.
This scene played itself out in my 30s. I was the champion of womens circles and being able to do what I want whenever I want without having to check in with a significant other. There wasn’t a baby waiting for me or even a dog to walk. Freedom was mine to dance on the beach naked whenever the moon beckoned. Then my father passed away.
Life changed.
My mother was devastated. His death made me see her in a completely different way; she was going to be round II someday. It was not long before I realized that maybe, I should have a family of my own. Other people had their own units to claim. How many times had friends canceled on me because they had to take care of something for someone that they loved? Even now, the fear that I could vanish without anyone noticing is a credible threat. Prior to my 40th birthday, it was apparent that there were many things in life that were no longer fulfilling and something else was required. I wanted my own family. A complete entourage. Maybe even a dog.
When I come home with a high from an amazing day, there is no one to share it with. Saturday mornings find me waking up to the sound of my insane neighbor talking to himself. If I get sick, there is no one to run to Walgreens to get Nyquil. Most of the time, I am alone. This probably comes as a surprise to people that know me, but it is true. Weekends, week nights, and even most holidays, it is just me. While it used to be a pastime, it is now a borderline fear. It is quiet and deafening.

I don’t fit: Chapter I

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I never fit into the norm a single day in my life. As a child, unicorns and animals interested me. Art and music soon followed. My mother spent most of her time making sure that I did not explore anything. She also insisted that I attend church with her which never made sense to me. While invitations to social gatherings did arrive, there isn’t a single friend that stands out in my mind. Everyone was temporary. Middle school was a social nightmare filled with rogue boys and friends that were not friends. The only thing that mattered to me then was music.
High school was much the same. Music was again the central theme. Friends came and went. I often sat alone during lunch. My parents were not fond of my first boyfriend to say the least. My prom date refused to dance with me, and my cotillion date hit on a friend of mine. I did hang out and have good memories of the weekends. My family was a good support system then. After high school, everything changed.
Since I was attending a local university on scholarship, I remained at home. This is something that in retrospect should have been avoided entirely. As graduation approached, cupid pulled back his bow and I found myself in love with a guy. It caused a huge crossfire in my family. My job fired me, and depression took over my life. Darkness became my world. From the kettle into the pot I jumped. Living with the guy was more than what either of us had bargained for. Needless to say, rock bottom soon ensured. No friends. No family. No boyfriend. Everything was lost; but, there was my degree. My family did not attend my college graduation.
As my new job began, it was obvious that my current living situation was going to have to change. Paycheck after paycheck was tucked away so that I could look for a place to own. Once my home was purchased, a new boyfriend was in the picture. He was another epic mistake of all time, but he did help me move. Break up after break up simply could not keep him away from me. We did not have anything in common other than the fact that he loved me. He was shot which put me in another state of grief for a long time. His assailant was never found. In the middle of it all, I completed my second degree and left for a memorable trip to Jamaica.
Time passed. One summer found me dancing. I pursued it with everything that I had because it made me so very happy. There was a strong connection there for me. Rehearsals, performances, classes, and general fun became all the rage. My instructor suggested a Pilates class to me which changed everything. My mornings were spent in Pilates while my evenings were spent dancing. New friends became my sisters as we formed circles and explore the concerns of the moon. My discomfort level with organized religion was at an all time high as the need to belong vanished as other women centered spaces seemed natural to me. My core became empowered and people began to take notice.

Thought of Death

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When I found out that a friend of mine was on her deathbed, it was necessary for me to leave work asap. The thought of being around other people horrified me because crying at work is not the best thing to do.
The thought of seeing her unresponsive body laying in a hospital bed without any explanation was more than what I thought I could deal with since my father was in the state of affairs in June. Instead, the drive to my mother’s house was made where I remained in shock.
Upon waking early Saturday morning, more news reached my ears about her untimely demise. It caused a whirlwind of babbling aloud. I want my life to mean something. What have I done with my life? Death happens to everyone and the exact date is not revealed. The clock continues to click us closer to our final debut. When my day arrives, what will be left behind to show that my feet once walked this earth? What will I say to my ancestors about the sacrifices that were made on my behalf?
My answers are few and far between. There are some young musicians that credit me with their passion. There may be a few women that feel more empowered because of my efforts. There are many that will say my music uplifted them. However, in my entire life, the overall scope of my breathing on a daily basis….what have I done? This is tied into my life purpose. Is it being fulfilled? Perhaps these questions will continue to be pondered….

Deep Thought

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Human bonding involves risk. It is not for the faint at heart. You have to lay your soul bare if you are to experience the highest levels of true love, compassion, and ultimate fulfillment. For those that choose to push themselves to the extent of such experiences, the consequences include rejection, isolation, and increased fear. They are the true daredevils in life. They are willing to risk it all for the one thing that technology will never replace: true connections.

Hermita de Caridad: PRAYER MOMENT

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There was some time for me to kill in between outing yesterday. The famous church was right there. I figured it would be nice if I could have a moment in prayer in such a beautiful environment. The sanctuary soon found me sitting in a pew staring at Caridad del Cobre, Our Lady of Charity. There were only two words that stood out in my mind for myself: love & compassion. Mother figures are able to offer such feelings to us so very well and I thought that this saint would be perfect to petition for such things. However, while my prayers rambled around my mind, there were fabulous things afoot around me.
A man came from the back meditation room, I beleive the sacraments are kept there, and kneeled in front of the altar. He remained on the floor for what seemed to be an eternity. He was in casual attire as was everyone else. The reverence, the faith, the moment…once he arose he saluted the cross and left. He beckoned to his friend in the meditation room. He promptly came out, deposited some cash into a box and left. Families continued to stream into the sanctuary. Mothers made the sign of the cross and directed the childrens’ attention to the saint. They sat in complete silence. Suddenly, a priest appeared in front of the altar and began speaking in Spanish. The people stood and began chanting which I took as my cue to quickly vacate the premesis.
I wandered outside to the ocean and sat for some time simply enjoying the sight of the water. Key Biscayne was off in the distance and my previous performances there crossed my mind. A nun was off to the right talking to a young girl. She reminded me of the nun that my father often talked about. He remembers looking up at his father’s funeral and saw the nun that offered him comfort in grad school. I think that she was dressed in blue. He will never forget her kindness. It is the same way that I will never forget observing how that man in the sanctuary shared his heart with the Lady of Charity.

FEELINGS OF GRATITUDE: THE ULTIMATE TEST

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As my performance came to an end, I thought about how I was going to ask my mother to find a nice black scarf for my collection so that I could wear it while I am working. It was also a pressing need to contact the bank about the fraud text that was sent to my phone. Upon approaching my car, there were pieces of shattered glass everywhere. My car had been broken into and the beautiful bag that had been mine for less than a month was gone with all of my identification and cards inside. My brand new drivers’ license with a fabulous picture….gone.

Panic did not overcome me. I calmly dialed 911 and asked for assistance. While a police officer attended to my predicament, I was able to cancel all of my cards and the fraudulent activity had already been detected; some cards were blocked before I called. I was able to hand over locations of purchases to the police officer; phone apps rock! I found myself smiling at people and thanking them profusely during my unpleasant moment. No tears. I felt joy.

The problem of getting cash for gas was now an immediate concern as the light was about to flash. My emergency contact was out of reach. I decided to drive to my family home which was about thirty minutes away. Do you know that my gas light never came on? The rain also stopped. As I explained what happened to my father and brother, action immediately began. My brother made arrangements for the window to be fixed. He took the car himself to a gas station and filled it up. He gave me cash and asked if it was enough to tide me over until my new cards arrived. He handled the entire thing. It was clear to me that this situation may have happened to show me that there is a man in my life that is there for me besides my father; my brother. He went so far as to tell me how to conduct myself until the window could be repaired. A heartfelt thanks does not begin to express my sentiment about what he did for me this evening.

My bowl of oxtails sits beside my computer as I type away my thoughts this evening. My spirituality kept me in one pleasant piece this evening. There was no shock. No panic. No tears to signal the arrival of a nervous breakdown. There was clarity, smooth thinking, and thoughts of an immediate plan of action. My home has a garage where the car will stay until it is fixed. Its the rainy season but there is nothing for me to do tomorrow. My schedule book and ITOUCH were not in the bag much to my delight. The bag probably can’t be replaced but, I found a black scarf in my mother’s room which resembles exactly what I was going to ask her to find for me. Isn’t that amazing? Look at all of the wonderful things that went right for me. I am happy that I am in a place where I am able to appreciate the good things and understand why feeling this way is important. Why should my Saturday night be ruined when my evening wasn’t the best?
If you will pardon me now, there is a wine cooler with my name on it and maybe, a slice of cake as well.

SCANDAL VS. TEMPTATION : OLIVA & JUDITH

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The Scandal hysteria has been all over Facebook for a while now. Television doesn’t exist in my living space; however, in an effort to better understand the world around me and perhaps find some inspiration for my current lack of direction, I decided to watch a few episodes on the website. While I don’t quite see the need for the massive chaos as yet, there were some other things that I did observe.

Oliva Pope is the lead charcter played by a beautiful Kerry Washington. Her employees are her friends, the cell phone is her dictator, and those big eyes seem to mist whenever the topic of the president arises; A man with whom she engaged in an affair with. Everything about this powerful individual is geared by her determination to succeed in a cut throat industry. Where are her friends outside of the office? Will she be able to engage in a relationship with an individual that is actually available? There is so much more in the future for this woman, and I look forward to watching her develop. While watching her in action, I could not help but think about another beautiful woman that engaged in an affair and got more than what she bargained.

It was a few weeks ago when I drove to a local movie theater to watch Tyler Perry’s Temptation. It had been quite some time since I had watched a movie and was excited to have a nice bag of popcorn to keep me company. I immediately felt pulled into the story as I identified with many of the feelings that Judith experienced. In the end, she destroyed something good in the pursuit of something better and was left with nothing. Her husband divorced her and married another woman; the son was handsome. The man with whom she cheated beat her senseless and gave her AIDS. There was a lack of communication which ultimately assisted in her demise. The movie left me in a sobbing heaping mass as the raindrops plummeted my car like bullets.

Every woman that I know wants to be loved by another human being in a romantic way. Unfortunately, too many of my sisters settle for situations that are less than what they deserve. They pay money to fly across the country to be with a man that doesn’t want to be with them. They make excuses for the fact that he was busy with work for the last seven days in a row. All of this for the reward of saying that there is a creature with a penis in my life. Congratulations.

The president wanted to leave his office and his wife for Olivia. She told him no. She had to stay with her people. She didn’t want him to give up the presidency for her. I wonder what relationship she could have had if she had been with an available man. Judith had a loving husband that became comfortable and took her for granted. He did not know that she wanted to experience new things. He did not know that she wanted a knight in shining armor if only for one night. When she told him that he was not the spectacular man that she wanted, his tears of pain were real. She shared such information is such a cold manner;however, it was entirely too late. She was involved with another man long before she was in copulation with him. Her relationship began there. She did not have any friends either besides her frenemy in Kim Kardashian. That is another topic for another post.

Both of these women are classic examples of women that we know. They wanted something that they were unable to get from men. They had everything to offer on the table: talent, drive, beauty, intelligence….but did they truly understand what they wanted? Did they ever give themselves the opportunity to fully understand what it was that they truly wanted for themselves? I ask all of these questions based on ficitonal stories. Yes, that seems funny; however, these stories are not that far fetched from real life.

MY BRAND

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It was two years ago when I realized that I had more to offer than what I was doing. I had always been under the impression that I had a side career as a musician that helped me with everything in life. It was a personality clash with a wedding coordinator that prompted me to make a statement. I did not study music my entire life to simply be the background music for a wedding. There is much more to the life of a musician. I had developed a talent for improvisation while on the job, and decided that it was high time that I did something with it. The result was my debut cd: “THE BEGINNING”. My world was suddenly filled with photo shoots, editing sessions, and composing. I funded the entire thing myself. It was something that made me proud of myself.

It was around this time that I began to see things differently. I realized that there were countless businesses that I supported: food, gas, dance, hair, nails, clothes, mailing supplies…it dawned on me that I used to have a company. Why, I even received a scholarship in college to attend a womens’ business center so that I could learn more about the world of business. Unfortunately, due to the hardships of life, it went by the wayside. Since it wasn’t my main source of income, there wasn’t a major issue because of its vanishing. Now, I realized that I wanted it back. I needed it so that I could refine my mission and go forward. It took a year before it was mine again. It felt great to see my business name once again.

Since then, I have taken business classes, massaged former clients, reached out to new ones, and have managed to acquire an assistant. Her efforts alone have helped me a great deal in attempting to streamline my life. I still maintain two jobs and try to live as much as possible. Such juggling can be quite difficult. Her presence is a present from the creator. She shall be front and center at my recital next month selling my tank tops that as well as my cds. There are plans for a second cd as well as artistic collaborations. Since 2010, I have composed and performed for dancers, poets, and artists. Why, I even wrote music for a theatrical production.

This is not to say that the road has been free of obstacles. There are some months when my phone does not ring for any engagements. Incoming checks do not always arrive on time. Contracts are cancelled due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control. I tire of people asking me to perform for free or for a reduced rate as if I do not have a mortgage that does not afford me such luxuries. Sometimes, I just want to take a nap instead of fighting traffic to be on time for an engagement. The flip side is that I have more of a say in what I am doing because I am in charge. That alone give me a feeling of satisfaction that I do not have during the day.

How long have I had to take directions from someone else or conform to something that no longer serves me? The day that I realized that I was stuck in the Matrix was a sad day. While I was asleep, life was fine. Once I realized that my situation no longer served me, my discomfort became unbearable. I am still making strides towards fixing my predicament; however, the road is hard and slow moving. It is not impossible. In my heart, I know the time will come for that complete break through moment which I desire so very much with all of my being.

It pleases me to be able to have resources at my fingertips that are able to provide me with assistance with just about everything in my life. I have begun to offer some of these resources as workshop presenters for Lady Speaks. A guest astrologer is with us during the month of October, and Raks Chakra is visiting as well. I have seen the need for mothers to understand more about how their children learn and a local educator that is currently finishing her studies as a doctoral candidate has agreed to do a workshop with this subject matter.

I wanted to share these sentiments with all of you this morning because of my realization. Anytime that I have had the courage or even the mere notion that a change was required and my foot had to be stomped on the ground in order to make it happen, I have seen progress and felt joy. Many of you have reached out to me about this insurance company that will not go away. The second mistake that I have made with them is that I have continued to entertain what they need to say after I have voiced that I am no longer interested. Why? I am afraid of being perceived as rude or a person that isn’t nice. Well, where has being nice gotten me in this situation? Let’s go back to my cd. I created that because of a situation that brought me to tears. I was able to take something that made me feel horrible and turn it into a beautiful situation for myself. The feedback that I have received from my music has been that of a standing ovation.

Now that I think about it, this is the day after the Fall Equinox. What better time to reflect upon regeneration, rebirth. Certain names come to mind: Kali, Oya, Demeter, Persephone. The seasons are in transition. The sun will not be as dominant anymore and will begin to give way to shorter evenings and cooler temperatures. The leaves will change colors and fall away from the trees. It is time to look into the other side of ourselves. Darkness does not mean evil. Our shadows are a part of us and do not exist without the light. What strengths lurk there that often go unnoticed?

Maybe you have something that you want to share with people or offer on a grander scale. You owe it to yourself to look into it. We as women spend so much time supporting everything and everyone else with little to no regard for ourselves. There is never going to be a good time for you to invest in yourself. You have to choose to make the time and guard it. There are people that get extremely jealous because they see others doing what they have not done for themselves. My response to that feeling is that you can not be upset for not seeing the results for the work that you choose not to do. Oh, its too hard. Life is hard but you are still living it…or existing, which one? You have only to see this desire in yourself and share it with the universe. Help will appear. You may not even recognize it when it does, but do not let that hinder your efforts. Find your resources and build your support group. TRY! Failure means that you made an attempt.

I was told to do a blog back in 2008, but never gave much thought to it. It took the words of a dear friend that had a heart to heart with me. She said that I only discuss certain things with certain people. Why not share that information with a larger audience with the correct platform? Go out there and find it because you can. Your voice is loud and strong. That was last summer. Now, here I am blogging away, creating circles, and sponsoring workshops. Women contact me with all sorts of situations, and I am more than happy to assist. Why, I even have a budding male following.

When the year started, I was getting ready to return to my day job and take a nap. Be your own inspiration and positive people and things will rally around you. This is not something that I have read. It is something that I am living. I am going to list my upcoming events with this post. They are also listed on the classes page. If any of them speak to you, please feel free to contact me for more information. Walk your truth and be your light.

Intro to Astrology Class $25/$30 Sunday, October 7 4-5pm
Autumn Recital Sunday, October 28 5:30pm www.ladyofharp.com
Raks Chakra coming soon…..
Multiple Intelligences (TBA)