The better part of my life lay bare before me. As the confusion settled, and my mind pieced it all together, my head hung with a pained neck. The accident brought forth the many paths that I had walked. It was not settling.
It began with the turmoil of my twenties and meandered into the freedom of my thirties. While my forties began on an unapologetic note, it has been replaced with silence. Misery is not my song, but happiness is not truly mine.
There is much for which I must give thanks. In the face of a pandemic that has caused people to charter new waters, my steady employment helps to keep me afloat. There are resources available to me with a few good friends to say hey.
My remaining parent has entered her sunset. It is not even something that I can handle just now. While employment is steady, it is not what I truly want. My private life is best retold as a tragic comedy if that genre exists. The better part of 2019 found me delighting in large unhealthy meals with popcorn and ice cream in heavy rotation. It was not until I finally grabbed myself a few weeks ago and said, “Hey, how big are you planning to get? You look like a baby elephant.” Sobering statement to say the least.
While happiness is ultimately my responsibility, I do not know what that would take under the current circumstances. I knew how to make moves in the world prior to Covid. Now, I feel the need to lay low and not go out of my way for anything. My body has a new healing regimen which requires my focus. All I can do is hope that I will adjust to the new world order when it arises.
This is a time that emphasizes being still. We have been blessed with the gift of time. You can deep clean your home. You can walk around the block. You can sit with a cup of tea and listen to the birds chirp.
This is also a time that will test your sanity. You have no choice but to deal with the shadows that lurk in the recesses of the mind. Many a demon will come to play upon you now as you lay in wait to return to what was once considered normal. Understand this opportunity for what it truly is: do you.
Organize yourself in a manner that is upstanding according to your standards. Figure out the true focus on your life. Maybe you don’t really want that promotion at work. You may find that what you want to do is submit proposals to your own clients with your own company. They say that necessity is the mother of invention. What do you need in your life?
In my world, this is not a time to be up and popping. You do not see me taking social media by storm with a virtual menus of services. Zoom is an entirely new frontier for me to explore and enjoy. TEAMS is another new acronym for me to revel in. My highly prized schedule is a different animal these days with extreme flexibility and random themes of inspiration.
Welcome the sound of your own voice. The volume is louder. Take the time to feel the true temperature of the water as you drink it. Pay attention to the signs that you simply did not see before as you rushed to yet another hectic day at work. Your life can unfold with clarity. The excuses have been removed.
The dream guides and goal setting for 2020 may be awash in the wake of an uncertain reality. My own personal dreams and desires have certainly been resent for another draft. The world has changed over night which affects all of us on a large level as well as a smaller level. What a time in which we exist.
This is a time that is very much like the winter. Animals hibernate. We take on an extra layer of warmth to protect ourselves from the cold. Warm liquids are consumed. The world slows down ever so slightly and we spend time reflecting upon ourselves and those around us. The word retrospection becomes popular.
While that is unknown is a definite threat, the infinite amount of blessings that we are receiving are beautiful. Families are spending more time together. Couples that are used to a frenzied lifestyle are together at a comfortable pace. Communities are coming together to take care of all of its members. More phone calls are taking place without interruptions.
For the first time in a very long time, the human need for a true connection is being fulfilled in the most meaningful of ways. Isolation may be the word of the day; however, unity is the final destination. Old friends are reconnection and enemies are laying down their weapons if only for a time.
My fb memories showed me my birthday picture from three years ago. It was such a happy time in my life. An old flame had returned to my life and joy was everywhere I turned. My mother gathered my friends for dinner at my favorite restaurant. I dined on delicious meatloaf and creamy potatoes. It was quite a time for me.
My how life has changed. The perpetual single status rises like the sun and social media is ablaze with the new words: social distancing. My favorite restaurant closed some time ago. It wouldn’t be open to the public now in our current climate. Friends are unable to gather in person. Video apps are all the rage.
There are many wonderful things that are taking place. Mother Earth is healing. Animals are returning I certain spaces that they had previously abandoned. My career is able to continue thanks to on line learning. I have more time to pursue the things that are important to me. I still contemplate the meaning of my life on a daily basis. Yoga and prayer start the morning without the anxiety of staying on schedule due to traffic.
I will admit though that something is missing. While I’m quite prepared to live a life in this current era, there is an untouched aspect that has yet to rise to the surface. It is not a person. Perhaps, it is a thing. This will require deeper reflection and exploration to figure out.
In the meantime, I shall choose a birthday outfit and have a slice of cake. Birthday greetings started yesterday as people want to wish me well. Life is precious. We can choose to make the best of it or live in misery. Since this is the renewal of my life cycle, I can’t help but to be positive about how I currently live. I encourage everyone to find that beautiful spot in their daily lives and revel in it. This too shall pass. Be well.
The world has lost its mind. So many questions with regards to soap. Why does every single corporation feel the need to email me regarding their cleaning practices? Shouldn’t you have done this when you gathered my info for marketing?
In the middle of it all, I welcome the new opportunities that are being presented. Suddenly, I’m working from home and providing instruction online. Isn’t this what I have been wanting? This sudden change in routine will be an interring adventure for me to navigate.
More time can be spent doing the things that I want to do for myself.
As the world rages on with its insanity, movie binging and popcorn seem very healthy to me. While I laugh at the funny Lysol meme, I’m also staying in touch with family and friends via video. Cooking is replacing UberEats and more grounding exercises will occur.
Relax. Check out from social media. Call a friend and talk about everything but the topic of the day. Take this time to focus on things that improve your life. Meet your own needs. Pray. Sleep. Dance naked….whatever. Just find a way to have some fun.
A Gentle Reminder
Last year was all about stripping away all of the fat and fluff, to get to the heart of the matter: me, myself, and I. It was a massive analysis of each life department and how to maintain it. It will take the remainder of my years to truly complete such a task. However, on Friday, a gentle reminder ensued.
When you make a woman smile, the world changes. Others benefit from her glow and the heaviness of the earth lifts ever so slightly. I made two videos of picture complications of friends and their work. I sent it to them. The emotions that followed were unreal. Confidence levels increased and they saw themselves as I see them: talented fierce individuals that are here to combat the patriarchy with their respective purposes.
We are living in a time when sexual harassment is being busted wide open. Men are finally learning the hard way that they can not exploit women for their own pleasure without paying a dire price for it. Women are entering politics in record numbers and holding key positions. STEAM is all the rage and little girls are aspiring to become airplane pilots instead of a flight attendant. The world truly is our oyster as the manly norms are slowly being chipped away.
It is important to remember that while all of this is taking place, we have to continue to adjust our crowns. Every day is not filled with roses and chocolates and when it is, we get fat. Many days are about the grind. Meet the deadline. Execute the flawless presentation. Get both clients in before the conference. This is why the word balance is so very popular. You can not be busy all of the time and you have to rest without feeling unproductive. Napping is my favorite hobby.
The New Year celebrations have ended. Everyone is staring at the scale and wondering if the gym membership is actually a thing. Beds are warm and coffee is hot. Monday will start a new work week in a new year. Hell is slowly rising to a steady boil.
The anxiety of leaving the wonderful break and returning to the hustle and bustle of the 9-5 leave me in complete and utter despair. The last two weeks have brought me a great balance of freelancing and rest. Napping became my sole pursuit and leaving the house was extremely unnecessary. The thought of leaving this behind is dreadful.
I’ve never been a resolutions individual. There may not even be goals written down somewhere. However, there are ideas that I am developing as I am truly a constant work in progress. Is there something that I want? Always. Are there things to be done? Until the end of time. Am I putting forth a minute by minute concentrated effort on one thing?
These days life happens one day at a time. The larger picture relies on the building blocks of the smaller days. This is not the time to grab it by the horns and ride like a cowgirl. The sound of the water is so peaceful and it should wash over me vs splashing around making waves. The day will come when I have to dig my feet into the ground. For now…..silence embraces me.
Once I released the green shirt, the universe conspired to confirm my focus going forward. A high end bridal bazaar landed in my lap out of nowhere. I adorned my person in bespoke white and settled upon the blue floral wall.
The band came to say hello and exchange IG names. Planners inquired about my services. Brides recorded videos and another bridal show was suggested. I lay in bed content and sore. The full feeling of being aligned with my purpose and sore from the yoga sessions that I am able to do again; being in control of your schedule is everything in life.
The better part of Friday saw me in bed. The wedding took a little longer than expected and there was the pick up of Icy Hot & Tylenol PM. Unfortunately, I only managed to put on half a patch and before falling asleep. Because the Tylenol PM never made it into my system, Saturday greeted me with pain and sheer exhaustion. I only left the house for Oxtails in gravy. However, the night had me determined to get back on my feet. Icy Hot patches were cut in two and placed on Sciatic pain spots. Two pills were eagerly swallowed as I envisioned myself in a deep slumber. Sleep cello music was set on the ITOUCH. When I woke up, I knew that I could rejoin the land of the living.
Things will be done differently this week. Volunteering in spite of my happiness is leaving. Extra appointments have been canceled. Down time and rest time will both be written in pen. Yoga has been reintroduced to my routine and more water will be added. My diet must also be reanalyzed because it is not helping matters. Stress and sugar do not mix.
What a question for me to answer. When I think of my foundation from my 30s, going into the third year of my 40s seems very comfortable. Empowered, silent, loquacious, lost, found…I have been at every place in the spectrum. Men, women, dogs, cats…been there done that. Is there something left for me to conquer? But of course.
This time next year will find me writing. Healing myself and others. My schedule will have a girls’ night in written in it. I will have one maybe two performing student ensembles in addition to a radical Bespoke gathering of black musicians. Massages and manicured nails shall return with the impromptu visits to the nude beach. Free spirited and happy.
You may be wondering about my private life. At some point there may be someone that I want to be with. However, for the next few years, I do not want to worry about anyone but myself. It has been quite a rocky road in this particular department of my life. People can make life quite heavy. Well, these arms do not want to carry anything other than joy. I can do bad all by myself. I can also make myself happy. This equation should not be complicated until further notice.