The better part of my life lay bare before me. As the confusion settled, and my mind pieced it all together, my head hung with a pained neck. The accident brought forth the many paths that I had walked. It was not settling.
It began with the turmoil of my twenties and meandered into the freedom of my thirties. While my forties began on an unapologetic note, it has been replaced with silence. Misery is not my song, but happiness is not truly mine.
There is much for which I must give thanks. In the face of a pandemic that has caused people to charter new waters, my steady employment helps to keep me afloat. There are resources available to me with a few good friends to say hey.
My remaining parent has entered her sunset. It is not even something that I can handle just now. While employment is steady, it is not what I truly want. My private life is best retold as a tragic comedy if that genre exists. The better part of 2019 found me delighting in large unhealthy meals with popcorn and ice cream in heavy rotation. It was not until I finally grabbed myself a few weeks ago and said, “Hey, how big are you planning to get? You look like a baby elephant.” Sobering statement to say the least.
While happiness is ultimately my responsibility, I do not know what that would take under the current circumstances. I knew how to make moves in the world prior to Covid. Now, I feel the need to lay low and not go out of my way for anything. My body has a new healing regimen which requires my focus. All I can do is hope that I will adjust to the new world order when it arises.

Once I released the green shirt, the universe conspired to confirm my focus going forward. A high end bridal bazaar landed in my lap out of nowhere. I adorned my person in bespoke white and settled upon the blue floral wall.
The band came to say hello and exchange IG names. Planners inquired about my services. Brides recorded videos and another bridal show was suggested. I lay in bed content and sore. The full feeling of being aligned with my purpose and sore from the yoga sessions that I am able to do again; being in control of your schedule is everything in life.

What a question for me to answer. When I think of my foundation from my 30s, going into the third year of my 40s seems very comfortable. Empowered, silent, loquacious, lost, found…I have been at every place in the spectrum. Men, women, dogs, cats…been there done that. Is there something left for me to conquer? But of course.
This time next year will find me writing. Healing myself and others. My schedule will have a girls’ night in written in it. I will have one maybe two performing student ensembles in addition to a radical Bespoke gathering of black musicians. Massages and manicured nails shall return with the impromptu visits to the nude beach. Free spirited and happy.
You may be wondering about my private life. At some point there may be someone that I want to be with. However, for the next few years, I do not want to worry about anyone but myself. It has been quite a rocky road in this particular department of my life. People can make life quite heavy. Well, these arms do not want to carry anything other than joy. I can do bad all by myself. I can also make myself happy. This equation should not be complicated until further notice.