The sun was barely in the sky. I found myself laying in bed fuming like a chimney. My mother had questioned my heavy weight despite my clear boundary of don’t. It continued with a laugh. I countered with a texting rant of how she has to respect my boundaries before I vanish again. I did not speak to her for two years and she wonders why.
Melancholy and forlorn, I bustled around my house. Her response indicated a zero balance in her negative account which left me speechless and pensive. Why did god choose this woman to be my mother? I will never know. She has caused many a day of pain in my life and this will be another one to add to the heap.
As my sandwich was consumed, I thought about the me of 2009. By now, I figured that I would be married with a family perhaps living elsewhere. Instead, I’m single and still reside in the same home. My heart knows more bitterness from failed romantic endeavors and has resigned itself to being alone. A divine union has eluded me for my entire adulthood. Love is beyond my grasp. People are used to me being alone. No one asks me if I’m seeing someone because I never am. I am not the girl that has tried on a wedding dress. It simply never happened for me. Then the spark came.
The relationship that I have with my mother is one of contention. She is unable to accept me for who I am. It has caused her to be jealous, bitter, toxic, and outright cruel towards me. Control freak, master gaslighter, and the ultimate complainer. Nothing has ever been good enough for her when it comes to me and I settled on the fact that it never would be in my younger days. When you compare this void to my love life, the complicated puzzle begins to make sense. Is it any wonder that I believe in Mother Mary so very strongly?
I am not Catholic. Mary was not a part of my upbringing beyond making Christmas appearances. As an adult, I have come to know her as a very loving presence that embraces you regardless of any trappings that a human life places upon you. She sees you as a being that she loves. Period. You are welcome in her family. You have a purpose and she supports you. She is the ultimate divine mother for whom I am grateful. There are other maternal presences in my life. There is a fairy godmother that cheers for me on the sidelines as well as a few aunties here and there. I wonder how my father shakes his head at the mess his widow has made in his eternal slumber.
As I sat in conversation with fam, I looked around and saw it with my own two eyes. You can not be an island. You have to belong to a community. You have to belong to something greater than yourself. There has to be a higher calling to which you answer.
We are not mindless beings living a life of solitude with bouts of social media. We have tribe. If you look closely, you have many tribes: church, work, friends, family, neighborhood. Unfortunately, we live in homes but not in communities.
How is it possible with all of the technology that is around that we do not know the names of our neighbors? Why are our senior citizens left alone to wither away? Why are we not seeking them out to be with us at our Thanksgiving dinner tables? Are we not all going that route?
Human trafficking is at an all time high. Why? Are we so caught up in our own issues that we can’t see that our children and women are being removed from civilizations and cast into the underbelly of society? What exactly are we doing? Another selfie? All of us should be disgusted.
I ask if each of you to be diligent. Yes, put yourself first. Yes, handle your affairs. Also, go into the lounge at work and eat with your coworkers. Instead of waving to that grandmother on the corner, stop by one day with flowers. Don’t text your cousin. Call her to come over for the weekend. Cook a meal and message your friends that dinner has been served.
Fellowship. Human connection. Bond over actual words. Have a real conversation. Talk about the weather. Ask someone about what they do for a living. Don’t separate before planning the next get together. Life is short and the clock is ticking away. Some of us are using hair dye.
Life will forever bring you ups and downs. Disappointments will run rampant and people will leave you, friend, foe, and lover. Hearts will break and tears will fall. However, in spite of it all, you have to have a foundation. For some, this is their religious faith. Other people have it in their families. For me? It is is simple.
All my life, music has been the one constant. Friendships have ended. Relationships have gone the way of the world. Music remains my ever faithful friend. It is always there for me no matter the situation. It is my honor to be called a musician.
What is your honor? How has god bestowed his grace upon you?”
The predicament with being an adult is focusing on what is truly important. Do we work every day to pay our bills or to enjoy the finer things that life has to offer? Perhaps the degree on your wall was attained in order to get a higher paying job instead of serving as the foundation for your passion.
The mindless running around day in and day out must end with a sound purpose. Do you know what you do what you do? Was that breakfast sandwich consumed because you didn’t go to Publix on the weekend or because it is a part of your routine?
We buy things that constantly clutter our lives. These expensive phones come with updates and more info than any one person can stand. Do you really need to have notifications from fb pushed to your phone or does it make you feel important?
Ask yourself questions that truly analyze your behavior. More often than not, we are a stranger to ourselves. Above all else, we should have a solid foundation in self. We should have certification in me, myself, and I. Anyone that thinks it is selfish is not equipped to then deal with other people.
You have to equip yourself with the necessary tools that are required just to get by and hopefully thrive. Hug. Call. Have fellowship with others. Engage in polite conversation that turns into deep reflective thought. What else are we doing? Staying attuned to social media? Life has more to offer. Make yourself available to it.
When I was growing up, my dad’s friend told me that I sounded like a little white girl. I did not know how to respond to that and he felt free to tell me. I guess since I was not splitting infinitives or using profane mannerisms, this made me an entirely different race. My love for classical music did not help matters. My elementary school was predominantly made up of white latin children. High school classes often found me as the sole black girl in the room. The one black sorority on my college campus wasn’t accepting anyone new. My boyfriend was not black which destroyed my family unit as I knew it. Because the abandonment hurt me so much, the relationship was short lived. It was my personal vow to never venture outside of my race again. The damage had been done by my own family unit.
There isn’t a single thing in this world that I could possibly want more than the embrace of this bed. The weight of the week has rendered me useless and I have been confined to the Sanctity of my home.
The veggies and quinoa simmered on the stove as a meal would be necessary.
The year is coming to a rapid end much to my liking. It has been a rather challenging and isolated experience from which I would like to be freed. There have been many a triumphant day and others that will remain in darkness. Perhaps the one thing that shall be my favorite is the shattering of yet another box by trying something new. The courage in itself was a success for me.
The blog rages on with new stories of life and woe without any regard for societal standards or needs for being polite. Real life is raw. It is pure in its simplest form and yet possesses a beauty all of its own. My neighbor rattles in the street while Oprah continues her soul raising interviews on YouTube. Saturday shall see me as a mermaid but tonight will see me as one with the pillow.
My life has had many different circles within its own cycle. Friends and associates have reflected different religions, various countries, and many races. There have been good friends and there have been friends to whom I have had to say farewell. As for the one constant squad of “homegirls” that surround me? This Tiffany Haddish norm has escaped me. However, there have been some memorable moments of friendship.
Approximately a decade ago, four of us would together for any and everything. Girls night. Wine time. Dick tricks. Whatever..we were going to roll, hang, and enjoy the company of each other. Our conversations were filled with tales of men, woes of work, and the next move for our lives. As with all things, this circle moved on due to the change in our lives. Someone got married and moved away. Another up and left the country. As for me, there were a few more discoveries in store for me which took me through twists and turns.
There was the sisterhood of the dance. Middle Eastern dance is intoxicating. While pursuing this hobby, a few faces kept popping up. Soon, all of our faces were together around healthy dishes of salad plotting our next project. There was always a hot workshop on the horizon or a new place with a house dancer that we wanted to support. Troupe costumes, hair perfume, tablas, and soon tarot. We were the rebel roma outside of Cairo. Again, the changes infiltrated. Motherhood called for one of my favorites. Another joined the army. I hung up the hip scarf and threw myself into pole.
A whole new world opened for me filled with dimly lit rooms and less clothing. Sensuality and sexuality combined to thrust me into another stratosphere. It was not long before the rainbow squad embraced me as their own. While I was not card thumping, my membership was real. My attire changed as did my hangout selections. Conversations were different. Personalities remained colorful. Life was fun…until it wasn’t. Relationships changed us all. My heart was broken. One became dark and spiteful. Tempers flared and one by one we were on different roads yet again. What say you now?
There is the pop in at the office to catch up or the drop in at a home for salad and a chat. Texting, FB, and weekly conversations keep me in touch with certain members. There are two that remain ever faithful in my constant development, and I would not be as together without them. Interacting with other women is important. Sheer fun and cackling conversations are a must. There has to be someone that is able to tell you about the shape of your hair without a frown crossing your face. Is that outfit too snazzy? No, its just you. That is real talk coming from the mouth of your friendly Aquarian. As 2019 winds down, I wonder what circle shall welcome me next.
It was the height of the massive weight loss. I sent the picture of myself in a Jamaican flag swimsuit. It was originally too small and now it was big on me. Friends sent words of joy and encouragement. My own mother responded with, “Great. Now all you have to do is lose another ten pounds.” Her text perplexed me. My weight was always more of an issue for her than it was for me. I informed her that she was the only one that had something negative to say. She responded with, “I’m the only one that told you the truth.” Her phone rang. My voice was soon heard explaining to her that I sent her that info so that she could be happy for me, not call me fat. The call did not last long because it was most unpleasant. In retrospect, I realized that she was jealous. My own mother was jealous of me. Unfortunately, I do not think it was the first time.
While preparing for my debutante cotillion, my dress had been fluffed. My hair and make up were complete. Someone was even present to make balloons for me. My mother said, “Boy, when you get old, no one pays attention to you.” Why would she make such a comment during such a happy time? She had a role in it. She put most of the after events together. Why then would she feel so insecure about herself?
At some point, my father told me that I was dealing with a fat, insecure, jealous woman. As an adult, I have often wondered what my father saw in her. She always complains and is never satisfied with anything. It has been one of the greatest mysteries of my life.
There is no glory in being busy 24/7. It isn’t healthy and the financial gains normally aren’t as beneficial as people would have you believe. You require adequate down time. The dog misses you. User Eats blocked you, and the neighbor claims that you no longer live in your home. Do not blame the retrograde. It’s just you.
Remember when you were a kid? You went to the movies on the weekend. Afterwards, you came home and baked chocolate chip cookies. Sunday dinner would include laughter and home cooked food. You should take those precious times and recreate them in your current life as a mad busy adult. What are you missing?
When was the last time that you went on a date? Do you still own a bikini? What happened to the book club that you were going to start? You are a self driven overachieving individual that has already accomplished so much and you are just getting started. You owe it to yourself to balance the scales and relax. Schedule some down time. Skip town. Go home and stare at the ceiling. Slow down and breathe.