I read through my old journals last night and saw how my life formed itself to the present moment. One page stuck out in my mind, and I decided to make it public via my blog:
Sunday, July 13, [email protected]:45pm
Sometimes, the emotional pain is so deep, the only thing that you can do is cry. The tears help to relieve the pain that is invisible to the naked eye but quite recognizable to the heart.
While you may envision yourself healing, the daily journey will face obstacles. You have to face it by engaging yourself in activities that help you to connect with yourself.
One day, I will be whole again. Until then, the only thing that I have is hope. This song expresses my vision of a happy day when my smile radiates through my entire being.
I do not remember what actually happened to the song but this entry shows my mind set shortly after my father left this life. It was apparent to me that a process was taking place, and time would have to pass before I felt like myself again. As of 5/30/16, smiles cross my face all the time. A cup of coffee is currently the cause.
It was an interesting Friday evening. My bed held me captive. Dinner was in the fridge, and night fall could not descend upon me fast enough. The patio cleaning was canceled so that I could attend a party. I did not plan to stay because tired was a beginning adjective for me. The shower greeted me with hot water sent by God, and a stylish outfit soon followed. It was a no make up no fuss night, but I still looked presentable.
The music was loud. The lights were in different colors. The dancing was outlandish, and the wine was dwindling. People were letting their hair down and getting into the groove. My eyes blinked as my hands rummaged through what was left of the olive platter. A bottle of cold water quenched my thirst. Once my uterus began to have a silent conversation with me, it was time for me to go. After bidding my farewells, I was a flash through the front door. Unbeknown to me, a real live shadow was behind me.
She seemed very desperate. She was wondering if she could get a ride to a gas station approximately ten minutes away. As my hands searched for my keys, I heard my voice say let’s walk to my car and talk. As her story unfolded, it was apparent that life was not at its peak for her. Why this very evening was an extreme low, and the party was simply a moment or two for her to get away. The ride was her journey back to her gruesome reality. She professed her need for God. I looked at her and said continue to pray. God will listen. Just keep praying. She thanked me profusely, and my car took me home.
As I sat in my kitchen looking at my pink candy apple, many things went through my mind. She came after me for a particular reason. My presence just played a part in something that was unknown to me. It was timely, and subtle. You never know why you are in a certain place at a certain time. You are just there.
People have been telling me that I look smaller. Are you losing weight? ME?! I have not exercised in months. Food is something that I enjoy without any regulation. How does this regimen contribute to a smaller me? Who knows. However, the inspiring comments prompted me to walk for exactly thirty minutes this evening. This physical activity was followed by a home cooked meal. I am so proud of myself.
Lately, I have been exhausted. It has not been one thing running me into the ground but the entire scene. My work day was extended because of the training I was facilitating for upcoming student performances. My social endeavors have been maintained with at least one event a week and none of this includes my own performances. After the insomnia subsided, my body was left in a vast wasteland.
I have sought the refuge of solitude during the day, and a hot bath at night. A 90 minute massage has greatly assisted along with some time to myself. Appointments have been postponed and some engagements were delegated elsewhere. This day has been spent in a slow cycle of peace and reflection. The summer vacation looms on the horizon like a giant donut sign.