THE VAGINA: THE UNKNOWN CAVERN

The vagina is something that never ceases to amaze me. She has so much going on and yet is so very quiet. She is often the topic of various conversations due to her mere existence. Why, there are even poems about her. As I age, she unfolds yet another mystery about herself that I did not know before. There are various substances that she produces with blood being probably the most popular. There are many lessons that she teaches without pregnancy even being on the table. However, I was on the table yesterday. My vagina taught an entire class. We took notes.

It was high time for me to go in for a physical. While I do believe in scheduling appointments to see all of my specialists, the one thing that I do not do is a physical. Yes, my beloved PCP has spoken to me sternly about this practice of mine which I would not enforce on anyone else. I just get to the point where I do not want to see anyone else. When I go in to have my teeth cleaned, there is the oral hygienist and the dentist. Both of them want to be in the middle of my mouth with shiny sharp instruments that do not please me. The dental hygienist likes to sing while that damn brush thing is squeaking so that I have to plug my ears. I like the dermatologist. Her face is absolutely beautiful with such vibrant skin. Her office is the place to be with such beautiful décor and the ladies at the front desk look like fashionistas. I am in and out of her office within ten minutes. The most painful thing being parking. Naturally, these professionals have painted a nice picture for the one that women around the world love and hate: the ob/gyn.

Yesterday was the first part of my physical. An intern saw me which has happened before and is always pleasant. Before I saw her, the womens’ health practicioner spoke to me about my head wrap. As we spoke, my mind reflected on the first time that she saw me. I felt as if she had treated me like her own child; an instant adoption. She told me all about her background prior to going into a breast exam. Then there was the wonderful speculum. I requested that she use the small one. She blinked and politely informed me that she would use the small one; however, if she could not see what she needed to see that she would have to upgrade to a larger one and that we wanted to avoid going in twice. Loud laughter soon filled the room as there was no way to contain myself.

The intern happily came to attend to me. She updated my medical history to include the sciatica and c4 tales of woe. She asked if I wanted to have a pap. My mind thought about how much easier it would be to have it done right now instead of going all the way to the hospital to have my main ob/gyn take care of it and then fork over the hefty copay thanks to my lovely new insurance company. A bright yes was soon heard, and I wrapped myself in my nice scarf in anticipation. What happened next can only be described as a side comedy show. My vagina was about to be the subject of study for the intern.

When the practicioner arrived, we laughed and began talking about my head wrap. The intern had to begin with a breast exam which of course prompted many a comment from me including laughter. She was stopped by her teacher, and my thigh suddenly had tapping of sorts. The intern was then instructed to continue with the exam and my laughter subsided; the tickling had stopped. I looked at the teacher in awe. She had applied her expertise to the current situation and showed the intern how to prevent such stimulation. They soon moved on to the main topic of the day.

The stirrups were brought out. They were naked. I inquired about the footies because I felt as if they should have had purple footies to make the process easier. The teacher began wiping them down and said that she thought that they were better without footies because of constant germs clogging the cloth. However, she went on to say that next time they would have footies just for me with cartoon faces. This took care of my footie desire. It was quite interesting to hear the two of them speak in medical terms about my vagina which was now with company and being used as a diagram. There is a distinct difference between a gyn exam and an ob/gyn exam. This was very interesting to me because ob/gyn is said as one word when in fact they are two.
My former thoughts resurfaced: my god, doctors do not consider any hole sacred. They will go into your nose, ear, throat, back door…all in the name of your health. The small speculum was used which immediately prompted a question that was met with the answer of Virgin Mary. It remained there longer than I would have liked but felt the sympathies of the two women. I was soon thanked for being a willing party for the lesson, and felt quite happy to have been the test subject. My vagina is now a teacher!

My mother would probably pass out if she knew that I wrote this because it is of a rather personal nature. While this is true, every woman has to go through this process, and I do not see the harm in discussing it. I once exclaimed to one of her friends that they never talk about what goes on in the pregnancy room and that the younger generation (ME), needs to know. Why do I have to wait if you already know?! Tell me! She dropped details like a stripper on a pole. Men would do well to understand the process as well so that they understand why their significant others may not want to have sex for a while. So here, I have done it. It is yet another chapter in the life of a woman. This one just happens to be a bit more colorful than most. Cheers.

The Vagina IV: Maintenance and Upkeep

Pluck. Shave. Design. Blood. Itchy. Wax. Tweeze. Every woman is familiar with these words in relation to her sacred yoni part. Each woman has a different approach to her secret place. Some have standing waxing appointments for the entire enchilada while others yet prefer the raging bush of the jungle. Its a matter of preference really. The mere mention of a beach outing or an intimate night can often send a woman into a trimming fit. What some find natural and appealing sends others into a tantrum. Where did all of this originate? It could be concluded that men’s fantasies have played a role into this scenario. Women often consult their significant others of their preference when it comes to this subject. I prefer to consult my own preferences when it comes to my body but to each her own. There is even speculation that some shave it into designs and add dye. While that is a bit much for my own personal taste, art is to be placed on a high level. Whatever the punany regimen of the female, the maintenance and upkeep of the almighty pussy is a full time job.

THE VAGINA III: INTERNAL ISSUES

It is covered most of the day. It is under us where we can’t see it. When it is examined, our feet have to be put in stirrups so the infamous gynocologist can get the best view. A lot goes on in there without the insertion of any body part. Sometimes, it becomes infected with yeast or bacteria. For those of you that are special, you may get a nice combination of both which then causes the gyn to prescribe a strong cocktail of sorts to stick in your twat. I am about to paint the picture where insult is added to a very uncomfortable injury.

You are already itchy. You are taking the creams and popping the pills. You are avoiding everything including: sex, waxing, sweets, coffee, and alcohol; yes, the angel of death is near. Then your poor clueless boyfriend says to you, “Maybe if we do it without the condom it will get better….”. Do you hear an explosion of gunfire in your head?

Many of you are in the practice of sleeping without underwear just to give the special present time to breathe and enjoy itself. It never gets enough air. Plenty of water is also good for its self marination. If you can avoid the overeating of sweets, large consumptions of coffee, and happy hour, the chances of you getting a yeast infection should be lowered. Just remember that nature has a sense of humor. Did you know that you can have an infection while your moontime is in effect? Yes, you too can experience higher levels of discomfort. The creams are not necessarily the best for the vjj either; however, who can blame a girl for wanting to cure the symptoms immediately and working on the cause later.

THE VAGINA: The Misunderstanding

The portal of life. The entrance into the universe. The vagina has been misunderstood from the beginning. It has been locked away in chastity belts and chastised for its natural behavior. The covered part has been teased for its appearance and misued for dominance. Perhaps these things have happened because it is heavily viewed as the target and property of men.

The vagina is a part of a woman’s body. It is an important part of her body. It facilitates the menstral cycle(separate post), allows life to enter, assists in the relieving of waste amongst other things. It can be the source of great pleasure, and the source of great pain(in truth, the latter may be about the uterus). Let us take a deeper look at the poor, misunderstood vagina.

NAMES
How did the word vagina come about? Furthermore, how did all of these other names for vagina come about? Pussy, whoo ha, vjj, information, Netherlands, punany, vagi, girl, present, yoni,. We have various comfort levels with each nickname. I personally do not love the word vagina and coined information instead. Vagina seems so medical to me for something that I have to deal with every single day of my life. Moving on.

When did it become appropriate for our information to be splashed all over television? From what I remember of television, music videos do not differ that much from pornography. It seems to be an invisible line. Obviously, there is a demographic for such material or else it wouldn’t be in business. Why is the information referred to so harshly by demeaning its owner? A hoe is a tool used for gardening. Let me go with that for a minute. A hoe is a tool that is used by different farmers. Should the farmers also receive names for using the hoe in the garden? Does the farmer use gloves when dealing with the hoe in the garden? If the gardners then have other seeds, is he considered a responsible gardner? Why does the emphasis fall on the hoe? Enter a girl unsure about her body into this scenario.

Your mother(hopefully) explains the things that you need to know about your body to you so that you can refrain from sex until you are married and not give birth outside of wedlock lest you be struck by some unknown electric force from the sky. Stories of sexual escapades may even reach your tender ears as you wonder about that virginal night of sweet bliss that in truth may hurt and not even last that long. What is wrong with this picture? Well, did you ever look at it in the mirror to see the differnt parts? A real one looks different from that medical sketch in textbooks. It has more hair too. Before I forget, the clitoris needs to be discussed.

The clitoris has not been mentioned. The sexual arousal differences between men and women have not been mentioned. SELF PLEASURE HAS NOT BEEN MENTIONED. There are women on this earth that do not experience orgasms. That is a crime against nature. You can bring forth life into the world but you do not enjoy your own body? How many of us were led to believe that our sexual pleasure depends on the whims of a man? We are sexual creatures without any one else in the room. Garden.
This should be celebrated. A woman has choices with this. Many, many choices.

A woman should be able to enjoy the sight of herself in the mirror and the thrust of her own hips as she rocks them back and forth. How else is the sacral chakra expected to be freed from its chains of bondage? Enjoy the sensation of playing with your own hair. Wear silk and taste honey. Throw on a nice black dress and strut around in heels(don’t tell my podiatrist that I said that). Wear that gorgeous feather boa that your girlfriend gave you but you are too shy to try on even in private. Take a nice hot bath by candle light and enjoy all of the wonderful sensations of being a woman. In other words, connect with and honor that which belongs to you; all of you.

I now wonder why I even named this the vagina. Wait, I know why. Your entire body is used to support it. Perhaps this part of our body is misunderstood because of the wrong emphasis that is placed on it. Instead of looking at it as something that can please a man, look at it as something that belongs to you. What do you want to do with it? Nothing? Something? Everything? You have options. A healthy one can work wonders for you. Gripping super powers come to mind. You can even decorate it if you like. If we are to understand our own vaginas, we have to understand everything that goes into it existing. It isn’t just that thing that is splashed all over the television for men to enjoy. It is much more than a comfort zone for a penis. It is something sacred that belongs to us.

THINGS THAT A WOMAN DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR FROM HER GYN

 Saturday, August 6, 2011 at 9:00pm ·

1.) WHAT IS THIS?

2.) I CAN USE THIS SIZE BUT IF IT I CAN’T SEE, THEN I HAVE TO GET A BIGGER TOOL AND WE WANT TO AVOID GOING IN TWICE.

3.) THAT IS JUST A RIDGE.

4.) WE ONLY HAVE THESE NO NAME DIAPERISH PANTY LINERS.

5.) WHY HAVEN’T YOU HAD SEX IN THAT AMOUNT OF TIME?

6.) WHY DO YOU THINK THAT YOU KILLED YOUR BOYFRIEND?

7.) A BABY CAN FIT THROUGH THERE BUT YOU DO NEED TO EXERCISE MORE….ITS SO TIGHT.

8.) RELAX OR ELSE I MAY GET STUCK…

9.) LET YOUR LEGS FALL….RELAX…

10.) YOU MAY SPOT FOR A FEW DAYS BUT YOU WILL BE FINE AFTER THAT.