Prayers, visits, calls, and constant check ins. I go to the house and perform for my mother as I watch her go through highs and lows. She lost the love of her life and it has devastated her. Sometimes it seems as if the night will swallow her whole until the sunrises to save her. The strong sisterhood stays around. They call her and visit often. They call me too. Patience, compassion, and harp music all mixed into one define my role in this situation. All I can do is continue to be supportive and present as my mother deals with this heavy loss.
As you live your life in the aftermath of a parental transition, you experience a shadow that you can not visually see. You feel it every day. A wide range of emotions occur. You find yourself crying without explanation and extreme joy in random situations. Everyone has to face this experience. When I look at my mother now, my feelings are quite different. It is a blessing that I have her; however, the feeling of the ticking clock is not one that shakes off me easily.
This is my third encounter with death on a personal level. It has been different each time with each man. The murder of my boyfriend was unbearable and left me in a state of shock for approximately six months. It was not long ago that I lost a friend to yet another murder. The transition of my father is bittersweet. My understanding of what happens after the spirit leaves the body is more solid now than it was before. What I am experiencing now is the concept of never speaking to my father in his physical body again in my life. The truth of the matter is that I speak to him every day. When I wake up, I say good morning Daddy. We share a breakfast beverage before my schedule gets underway. We share conversations throughout the day and then a prayer before bed.
Music in all of its forms gets me through the day; Performing, listening, composing, and advising. The radio is on throughout the day. It is switched to my IPHONE at night for meditation music for sleeping purposes. Do I have bad moments? Of course. That is simply the nature of the beast. An amazing thing that has happened is that new people have befriended me during all of this. We chat and make plans for merriment and fun. My heart wants to be happy which is what I shall strive to be.
The physical separation is difficult. My mind eases knowing that one day, I shall be in my father’s arms again. We shall watch a movie and eat popcorn. I will perform songs from Phantom of the Opera. Why, we can even compare our bald heads…
Another day of gobbling fits has rolled around. The airports have been clogged with people traveling to their family homes for this popular holiday. Retailers are armed and ready to welcome the masses for shopping bouts of sheer frenzy, and turkeys everywhere can finally breathe a sigh of relief. For now. This year, my heart has a bit of emptiness in it.
As I watch people gather together to eat, I wonder about the people that have no one to gather with. How do they feel watching families come together for rejoicing? I know one woman that lost her husband the day before Thanksgiving last year. There is a family that is mourning the shooting of their young teenage daughter in my city. Others yet are estranged from their families due to their choice of lifestyle. Why, I just read about a family that was evicted because the landlord squandered their rent money instead of paying the mortgage. While I prepare to facilitate the Circle on the Beaver Moon, we will be discussing being thankful and gratitude; however, what about the people that do not get a moment to look towards the heavens to say thank you?
There is of course the scapegoat defense that arises during this time of year. People feel the need to eat beyond the normal constraints of a human stomach. Have they forgotten how long leftovers last? The restaurants will be packed by tomorrow evening because turkey will be a tired taste by then: turkey sandwich, turkey soup, turkey and rice……sigh. Damn the turkey.
You will hear, “Oh, I will start my workout right after the holidays in the New Year”….Tell me, how many New Year’s Resolutions are actually kept? Fitness and nutrition are not seasonal trends that can be bent this way and that. They require dedication on a daily basis. If a person is truly dedicated to their own upkeep, they will not be seen at the dinner table piling on ridiculous amounts of food.
Let us touch on the amount of conflict that arises during large holiday gatherings. Most adults live a good distance away from their parents. However, once in close quarters, many mothers feel the need to resume their once very dominant position and begin to impose rules and regulations that have no place in the plate of a grown adult. There may be new mates at the table that are not liked by anyone except for the significant other and often with good reason. There is always the abandoned drunken uncle that no one will claim. What if he begins to spew secrets about the family that cause deep pain? The holiday season is not as pleasant for everyone as the media would have us believe.
I would also like to make the Hurry Up List. What is the Hurry Up List?…..
HURRY UP LIST
1.)IF YOU ARE SINGLE…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START DATING?”
2.) IF YOU ARE DATING…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED?”
2A.) IF YOU ARE DATING AND LIVING TOGETHER…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED AND STOP LIVING IN SIN?”
3.) IF YOU ARE MARRIED…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY?”
4.) IF YOU ARE MARRIED WITH A BABY…”HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY THOUGHT TO ANOTHER CHILD?”
5.) IF YOU ARE WELL SEASONED AND WORKING…”WELL, WHEN DO YOU PLAN TO RETIRE?”
I will address this list in further detail in another post….
HOW I PLAN TO SPEND MY DAY
This holiday normally sees me on a stage somewhere far away performing for hours and a time. I often feel quite lonely until I return home and begin my journey to my family residence. By the time I normally arrive, the gathering has dwindled and I can get to the food without any lines or waiting. Fortunately, my parents recognize this as a career standard and happily welcome me late. When I am not performing on turkey day, I make the rounds to the places of invitation and finally roll around to my final destination of my parents. Today will be a different Thanksgiving for me.
Today, I have begun with blogging and a cup of moon tea. It shall be followed by meditation with a crystal quarts on into stretching, working out, and will be rounded with a nice hot bath to soothe my body. I expect to begin my journey early in the afternoon for the early dinner. The thoughts of the lonely still creep in my mind and perhaps, I should light a candle for them. When this day is over, I shall sleep soundly. Happy Thanksgiving!