Disgusted

It was an off colored email message. It was the norm from this particular individual. Comedic. I responded with a hello, how are you? The response was extremely disgusting and rather shocking. The thought of alcohol being involved crossed my mind. I was rendered speechless. It took an entire evening to pass before I was able to respond. A business contact made a crude sexual advance towards me, and I am completely confused as to what made him think such a gesture was perfectly okay.
They say that people are taught how to treat you based on how you react. He thought playing my strings below my waist was a perfectly acceptable message to send to my business email. He thought there was humor in it. The idea that a man in his 50s would think such a thing is a huge problem. I am gravely disappointed by this gross display of the patriarchy. Women are not placed on the planet to service the sexual desires of men. Women are not mere sexual objects that are expected be treated in any manner that a man deems acceptable at any given time.
The backbone of society is maintained and in existence because of the queen. We give birth to the universe and stay in touch with Mother Earth at the expense of our bodies. Unfortunately, our proper position is often defecated upon by men that pretend to recognize us for our talents, for our minds. The bottom line always seems to be, “When can I play your strings?”. The individual has been deleted and blocked. I pray to God that I never encounter him again in this life or the next.

MEN

As my feet walked me away from the drum circle, the sand clumped along my legs. My multi colored scarf covered my lower portion as I simply couldn’t resist not taking a dip in the moon kissed ocean. A feeling of attention hit me. It occurred to me that a drummer was going to ask me out. As soon as I got to the fence, he turned around and acknowledged me. He introduced himself and got down to business.
My mind, my heart, my spirit all agree…there is no way that I can get involved with another human being right now. It is not the time in my life to be romantic or entertain such notions. However, the idea that men are noticing me during this period of my life is a form of entertainment for me. A few weeks ago, an old flame contacted me for lunch. He was in town and wanted to reconnect. What in the world is the universe laying at my feet?

SOME MEN ARE CLUELESS

After being in the house all day, I was quite frantic to get out into the world. The movies did not hold anything promising, and all of my friends are otherwise engaged. I settled on the idea of conducting some research at the library.

There I was browsing through some books in the study section when all of us heard the distinct loudness of a fart being ripped about two aisles over. The public enemy had the nerve to continue moving with this loud obnoxious behavior and worse yet, came over to where I was. Luckily, I had shut off the oxygen to my lungs so as not to inahle the toxic fumes. I soon moved to safer grounds away from the attack.

As I pranced to my car, I saw a creature with whom I had crossed paths with while in the library. It was then that I heard, “What is it, boyfriend problems? Work? We could ride around in my car….”. I soon found myself in hot pursuit of my car in order to get away from the unwanted hit from someone that had no idea how to talk to a woman. Between the farting and the unsolicited attention, I was truly out down by the male species. Is this what I am suppossed to produce as a companion this Thursday?

Lines are not necessary. If you find me attractive, simply walk up to me and speak the truth.
My name is Pascal, and you are quite beautiful. I was wondering if we could exchange numbers for a possible tea? Here is my card. Simple. To the point. Honest. Lack of Olympics. All of the other antics are simply not necessary nor do they increase the chances of the man getting a phone number.

ACRONYMS

The chasing & acquiring of a dick is a difficult business.  How does a single girl narrow down her choices to just the right pleasureable delight? Will it be just the right size, does it belong to another woman? Man?  Is it polyamorous, play for both teams or is it simply on the prowl for what I have to offer?  You have to know these things up front.

There are so many things to consider when on the hunt for…well, you know.  I remember not too long ago, a friend of mine had to drive to Orlando to get some…4hrs, traffic, gas..men really make a girl work so hard.

She couldn’t really explain to me what was going down or in for that matter…since she was surrounded by polite company.  That was the day that I created ODA.  You know, OFFICIAL DICK ALERT. Please man your text messages.

You never know when an ODA will strike. You could be decked out in your Africali best hanging out on Halloween when that roofer with the dreads calls inquiring about the uses of the sofa in your second room…what about the man in uniform..the one that you still dream of(because his dick would put a porn star to shame)…texts you to see if he can spend the night? ODA!  All texts and calls stop at once..which can come in handy in case you forget to turn off your cell….

A very girl girl..such as myself, needs time to devote to purfume, proper outfitting, heels, and….will I throw him to the ground as soon as he walks through the door or will I make him my ….. on the kitchen table(I chose to make him mine on the kitchen table).

Now, sometimes you don’t have an ODA…you have a PODA…POTENTIAL ODA.  The dick may be hovering.  A txt here, a call there.  Oh, I may have to work late.

Men…always making things so damn difficult.  Why can’t you just say yes, I know that you are hornier than me and I am coming to take care of the situation just give me a minute..Is it so wrong, to just want a piece of heaven on a stick? that wonderful, delicious, and always nutricious, the fabulous, the fuckable…THE FEELING OF A DICK.

***I would like to dedicate this to all of my single sisters out there who dream of their next time…..