Native American Day of Mourning…..

The sun was barely in the sky. I found myself laying in bed fuming like a chimney. My mother had questioned my heavy weight despite my clear boundary of don’t. It continued with a laugh. I countered with a texting rant of how she has to respect my boundaries before I vanish again. I did not speak to her for two years and she wonders why.
Melancholy and forlorn, I bustled around my house. Her response indicated a zero balance in her negative account which left me speechless and pensive. Why did god choose this woman to be my mother? I will never know. She has caused many a day of pain in my life and this will be another one to add to the heap.
As my sandwich was consumed, I thought about the me of 2009. By now, I figured that I would be married with a family perhaps living elsewhere. Instead, I’m single and still reside in the same home. My heart knows more bitterness from failed romantic endeavors and has resigned itself to being alone. A divine union has eluded me for my entire adulthood. Love is beyond my grasp. People are used to me being alone. No one asks me if I’m seeing someone because I never am. I am not the girl that has tried on a wedding dress. It simply never happened for me. Then the spark came.
The relationship that I have with my mother is one of contention. She is unable to accept me for who I am. It has caused her to be jealous, bitter, toxic, and outright cruel towards me. Control freak, master gaslighter, and the ultimate complainer. Nothing has ever been good enough for her when it comes to me and I settled on the fact that it never would be in my younger days. When you compare this void to my love life, the complicated puzzle begins to make sense. Is it any wonder that I believe in Mother Mary so very strongly?
I am not Catholic. Mary was not a part of my upbringing beyond making Christmas appearances. As an adult, I have come to know her as a very loving presence that embraces you regardless of any trappings that a human life places upon you. She sees you as a being that she loves. Period. You are welcome in her family. You have a purpose and she supports you. She is the ultimate divine mother for whom I am grateful. There are other maternal presences in my life. There is a fairy godmother that cheers for me on the sidelines as well as a few aunties here and there. I wonder how my father shakes his head at the mess his widow has made in his eternal slumber.

Morning Mary

We packed ourselves into the SUV and took off away from the campus. The first stop along the way was going to be a local chapel inside a Catholic Church. As we walked in, the hushed silence enveloped us as the world vanished behind us. We splashed ourselves with holy water and sat in the back pews. My eyes closed, and the other realm presented itself. I sat for what felt like hours. Upon opening my eyes, the side prayer room came into focus. The glass door was pushed under the weight of my hands as the sight of Mary made me feel welcome. I kneeled on the cushion and prayed.
While I was praying about my current endeavor, it felt as if her hands were placed on my upper back. The warm support made me feel as if I was being heard. It was not long before I refreshed myself with more holy water and rejoined my friends outside. The next stop was Starbucks. A Lady has to eat.
You do not have to be of a particular faith or background to connect to Mary. She is available for all people that welcome her into their lives. I happen to enjoy her warmth and embrace her presence as a part of my existence.

A Quiet Moment

It was not anything major in my book. The hype surrounding the 12.12.12 day did not include me or my attention. However, I did want to take a minute to pray at that exact moment. What I was able to accomplish was so much more.

I ended up at a beautiful church somewhere in town. The sanctuary was closed, but there was a lovely courtyard where I was able to sit and admire the surrounding nature. It was peaceful. It was quiet. There was no reason to leave in a hurry or even give my thougths to anything but the present moment. All obstacles simply retreated in the quiet solace of the afternoon. My eyes wandered to a large conglomeration of flowers where I soon walked. When I looked up, there she was with her arms outstretched ready to greet me. There was a statue of the Virgin Mary cloaked with a rosary. It was the perfect opportunity for me to pray for the upliftment of myself and others so that we could realize the potential of the new portal that has just opened. The beginning of this new cycle is our awakening to so much more. We have only to tune into it and accept its lessons as we progress further than ever before. As I left the Queen of Angels, I felt lucky to have had such a peaceful experience on this special day.