12:18am

My phone rang at 12:18am and immediately hung up. I checked the number to see what was happening and instantly recognized the caller. It was the sister of my former bff. Former because she used and abused me for years until she crossed a line from which our “friendship” never recovered. I banished her into another realm along with her jealousy and insecurities. Why on earth would her sister still have my number to call me by “accident” at that time of morning?
I reached out to a neutral friend that had background information. Apparently, she received a phone call approximately three months ago which began with a reference and then turned into a book about me. The sister was suddenly put on threeway to discuss me. My sexuality was questioned with rumors and the sentiments about me needing Jesus were made. My friend chose to respond by saying that she kissed a girl before and like it. She also went on to say that I live my life in a manner that makes me happy. I am free spirited and will continue to do what I want. No information about whom I am kissing or worshipping.
It was 2009 when this dysfunctional friendship was deleted. She was causing major problems in my life because of her jealousy. My weight loss brought up a lot of ugliness out of her. Here it is 2017, and she has not released me yet. Why isn’t there anything in your life that is consuming you so that you are not worried about what I am doing? On the one hand I a flattered that you find me so interesting to the point of obsession. However, it is also a rather pathetic state of affairs that you are still so taken by me. Is perhaps your sexuality in question? Do you need Jesus? You do not go to church so shouldn’t your religious views be taken lightly?
At this stage of the game, there are certain things that I will not tolerate. This is why you never heard from me again. You are not relevant or conducive to further growth on my part. Your mistreatment taught me so much and gave me most of the material for the sisterhood. We do not have any place in each other’s lives anymore. You did exactly what you wanted to do with me and made a bed that you obviously have trouble laying in. Well, I am still here living my life, doing what I want. There are nicer people around me now. There isn’t anyone that is trying to use me or stab me in the back. My existence is celebrated. I get the opportunity to have deep conversations with people and genuine feelings are shared. Some experiences are good. Some experiences are not so good, but they are all mine to reflect upon. Maybe one day, you can also heal from the trauma that you call a life and be happy for yourself.

Love: The Red Flags

In an effort to find love, we have all been guilty of ignoring the warning signs. While it is important to see the good in every person, it is also important to know when two people do not belong together. Communication styles must be similar. Common interests are a major plus. While it is possible to have different religious beliefs, it helps if there is some sort of connection between the two. Here is a list of common red flags that everyone is familiar with:

1.) Jealousy: This is an evil form of insecurity. It ruins relationships and divides entire communities. When someone has a problem with another person in your life, be aware of how this affects you. Unfortunately, you may be forced to choose sides. I can say that I have always chosen in favor of the person that was present first. 9 out of 10 times, the new person is the true issue.

2.) Neediness: When an individual expects you to be at their beck and call 24hrs a day, regardless of your work, bathroom, or sleep requirements, you need to put a great space in between the two of you. A human being is allowed to be without their significant other during various periods during the day. You are not responsible for the needs of another adult that is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

3.) Tantrums: People that throw adult sized tantrums whenever they do not get exactly what they want from you, should be left in their crib to knock themselves out.

4.) Excuses: Recognize when you are not a priority. When someone says to you, “I was not able to call you back because I was walking my dogs…..”, do not call that person anymore. “Let me think about it” is another phrase that is used to waste your time.

This list is small but speaks volumes. Sometimes, it is better to stay home on a Friday night and watch Netflix vs. dealing with individuals that do not know what they want and should truly be in therapy vs. any social arena.

Possessive

She erased our plans because her boyfriend did not like the fact that she talked about me all the time. How does this action help the situation? Didn’t she just further enable his possessive behavior? This is a small step away from failing to buy an olive (reference the post, “THE OLIVE”). Many women have expressed a need to keep their friendship gatherings to themselves because for some strange reason, their boyfriends will create some strange scenario which further engages their time. Then there are the couples that do everything single thing on the planet together. If friendships are allowed to continue, the new flavor of the month has to tag along everywhere. Girls’ night is suddenly awkward because Greg is here. Where is the individual time to breathe as a person? Why, there are some that make plans entirely around the availability of their boyfriends. Others yet ask permission…..WHAT?

It is a complete mystery to me why these things take place. I was under the impression that a woman was her own person and had the right to do as she pleased. Yes, of course there is couple time which is important; however, why is a woman expected to sacrifice her life just to please a man? Wait. I am wrong. How does a woman fall under the impression that she has to sacrifice her life just to make her mate stick around? It seems as if that is too much to ask for the sake of a relationship. Is it truly worth having at that point? No friends. No outside interaction. Sad.

A Christmas story of mine comes to mind. Plans were made with a rather tall individual. His height pierced the sky. We were going to rendezvous after spending time with our families on Christmas Day. He would call me later in the day. The call never came. Instead of pouting, I spent the remainder of the day with my family and enjoyed myself. Boxing Day morning rolled around and it found me en route to fun with a friend. My cell phone rang. The deep voice announced that he was driving to my home at that very minute. My brown eyes blinked as these words were said aloud, “I am not at home……bye bye…”. Weeks later, I was informed that my panties were in a bunch because I did not try to accommodate the fact that he was coming to my home. My brown eyes blinked again as I heard my own voice calmly explain that the plans were not properly executed for whatever reason on Christmas Day. Why was I then expected to be twiddling my thumbs wasting away an entire day afterwards awaiting the arrival of Prince not so Charming? Perhaps, he expected me to drop everything and rush back to my house to greet him. Needless to say, nothing ever came of that relationship because I am just not that kind of girl. I do not bark on command, and I certainly do not do as I am told.

Earlier this year, it was my extreme pleasure to sit down and have a nice long conversation with a rather impressive sister of mine. She is very much into the days of the goddess and things of the like. She put my confusion into words. Every time a woman allows a significant other to dictate the flow of her life, the sisterhood experiences a betrayal. This statement resonated with me a great deal as I thought about the different friendships that were destroyed because of the presence of insecurity. How many times did Maggie vanish? (another Olive post reference). A woman needs more than one person in her life. It takes a village to raise a child but you must then live in that village. When the men go off to hunt, wouldn’t it be nice to go and chat with your sisters? How is that going to happen if you abandon them all and just wait in that house for your hunter to return?

I reconnected for a brief time with the individual that had to cancel our plans because of her jealous boyfriend. When she saw me, she immediately stopped what she was doing and we hugged each other for what seemed like an eternity. We were so very happy to see each other. It was wonderful to see her. She looked great. She is still with the insecure male. She still has my prayers.

THE OLIVE PART II: IT CONTINUES TO ROLL

TUESDAY, JULY 10, 2012

It was five minutes prior to the Happy Hour potluck on a Friday evening when we were informed that one of the guests would not be in attendance.  Everyone present already knew why without asking.  One rogue guest texted back asking what was the name of the guy.  The response confirmed that we had been tossed away at the last minute for a date.  There wasn’t even the courtesy of clear communication.

Relationships are important.  They often teach us valuable lessons about life and ourselves.  What is the lesson when a woman allows a man to control her time including her bonding with her friends?  Get comfortable.  I will even give you a minute to get some snacks.  If anyone is getting popcorn, please share with me.

There can be many reasons for such enabling: little to no self esteem, body image issues, extreme fear, loneliness, and the list continues.  However, it is hard for one to seek assistance for such problems if denial is present or doesn’t desire true change.  A person can want change, but it does not happen without a true dedication on the part of the individual.  It requires a large amount of effort that many are not prepared to execute which then gives birth to creative excuses.  It is often easier to remain in an unhealthy pattern inside a cage with an open door.  I will use the example of weight loss.

Client # One

She approaches her fitness trainer.  “Can we schedule my privates for this month? I want to make sure that I can have them in between my normal classes so that I can maximize upon my endurance.  Also, do you have any handouts on nutrition? I started cooking more often and want to understand what I should be eating…”.

Client # Two

This client is “friends” with the first client and sees her success and is jealous of it.  She wants to have the weight drop off too but realizes what it would truly take to make that happen.  This is how she approaches the instructor.  “I want to schedule privates with you.  How much are they? Yes, I know that I asked you this three times last week but wanted to make sure.  I wouldn’t mind losing weight, but this is so much work.  I would rather go shopping for more clothes or go to dinner.  The class is a full hour?  I do not know.  I will get back to you….”(and of course never does)

I do not feel the need to elaborate on this scenario any further.  It speaks for itself.

Many of the mentioned issues that we face could be eliminated or at least worked on if we could come together and discuss them; yes, in the sacred circle.  The circle is connected and supported on all sides.  Women used to do this as a regular practice long ago. We supported each other openly which made our journey easier.  We were not isolated or left to feel overwhelmed.  We spoke our hearts and minds together in a safe sisterly environment.  Sincere conversation about ourselves could go a long way to find solutions or at least to begin the healing process.  We used to be sisters.  We used to take care of each other.  We used to have the wise women that served as our elders.  They were called upon to advise us in good times and bad.  Women still have these practices today but they need to be exploded on a grand scale.

 

A lot has happened to divide us and to keep us divided.  Many of you work tirelessly to help your sisters to heal themselves and the world.  These efforts must intensify in order for us to realize our true natural selves.  We have god given gifts that have been run into the ground and cast aside as evil or bizarre when in truth those gifts connect us to ourselves, to our spirit, to our universe.  We are natural born healers.  How is it possible for so many beautiful women with amazing talents to just end up at the bottom of their own lists? Women are important, and women need to know that, own the knowledge, and live in it.  The woman brings forth life into the universe.  The capabilities of a woman are endless, and they amaze me daily.  Let us stand together and embrace those that have yet to hear this message.  It starts with one desire, one voice, one thought of change.  My desire for this feminine unity brought me to this blog.  What will your desire bring you to do? Organize a festival, create a circle, maybe even compose a song or make a phone call.  Whatever it is…we can do this together. My candle is lit, and I am passing you a match.