Six Months

It was six months of me not getting what I wanted. Adults have needs that can be met by being with other adults in intimate 1:1 situations. That was the sole purpose of the association. After a one time encounter, it never happened again much to my dismay. My invitations were met with, “you play too much”. Instead, I received occasional visits which were filled with luke warm conversation. Small talk is nice. Since it was all that was being offered, my invitations stopped. I accepted the small talk. Six months passed and a train hit me like a ton of bricks.
Out of the middle of nowhere, I was invited to a night of adult fun. If I said that I was not pleased, it would not properly describe the magnitude of disdain in which I responded. The next day brought the offer of a date. My silence was deafening. It was not long before text messages about games and the real me appeared. My response was simple, “I do not play games. For six months, you were not interested in me. I stopped requesting your company and accepted the fact that you just wanted to be friends. My life continued.” As the sun rose the next day, I was informed that after work, a shower would be taken and that I would have company for the evening. My growing fear did not allow me to respond. Imagine my shock when I found out that company appeared on my property without invitation. Fortunately, my schedule had me elsewhere. I asked for all future communication to halt. My request was denied.
Phone calls from a friend started to hit my phone. Gifts began to appear on my porch. My rage began. The gifts were promptly collected and delivered to the local Goodwill where someone else could appreciate them. I was insulted by the fact that all of this effort was now being made to chase me when it could have been made well over six months ago. You were not interested in me and placed me on a shelf. I do not belong on a shelf. After a mutual friend stepped in, all attempts to flatter me ceased.
This experience proved many things to me. You need to appreciate opportunities when they present themselves to you. Time will make you appreciate what you had. Intentions should be communicated from day one. Too little too late will leave people alone in the dust. Life does not stop simply because someone does not know your worth. What you want for yourself, is not always what you need; this situation is the perfect example of this.
Ten years ago, I would have sat around twiddling my thumbs awaiting my turn in the spotlight. Now, I am forty and forty pounds lighter. Not only do I have options in my life, but I also want to be with someone that wants to be with me and makes that clear as day. There are people in the world that would shout from the top of mountains that you are their beloved regardless of what is happening in their life. That is the type of person that I want to be with. Make me feel like you know that I exist. Put forth actual effort into making me feel special. It does not require the budget of a millionaire; it is free. Acknowledge my presence in spite of the fact that you have the entire world on your schedule. A morning text message goes a long way, and so does a good night text. It is the little things that make the heart of a woman melt. It is the moments in which words are not shared and feelings are that connect two people. At the end of the day, that is all any of us want. A meaningful connection with another human being in an intimate relationship. It has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with the basic human need of togetherness.

THANKSGIVING: AN IRRESPONSIBLE PRESENCE

Another day of gobbling fits has rolled around. The airports have been clogged with people traveling to their family homes for this popular holiday. Retailers are armed and ready to welcome the masses for shopping bouts of sheer frenzy, and turkeys everywhere can finally breathe a sigh of relief. For now. This year, my heart has a bit of emptiness in it.

As I watch people gather together to eat, I wonder about the people that have no one to gather with. How do they feel watching families come together for rejoicing? I know one woman that lost her husband the day before Thanksgiving last year. There is a family that is mourning the shooting of their young teenage daughter in my city. Others yet are estranged from their families due to their choice of lifestyle. Why, I just read about a family that was evicted because the landlord squandered their rent money instead of paying the mortgage. While I prepare to facilitate the Circle on the Beaver Moon, we will be discussing being thankful and gratitude; however, what about the people that do not get a moment to look towards the heavens to say thank you?

There is of course the scapegoat defense that arises during this time of year. People feel the need to eat beyond the normal constraints of a human stomach. Have they forgotten how long leftovers last? The restaurants will be packed by tomorrow evening because turkey will be a tired taste by then: turkey sandwich, turkey soup, turkey and rice……sigh. Damn the turkey.
You will hear, “Oh, I will start my workout right after the holidays in the New Year”….Tell me, how many New Year’s Resolutions are actually kept? Fitness and nutrition are not seasonal trends that can be bent this way and that. They require dedication on a daily basis. If a person is truly dedicated to their own upkeep, they will not be seen at the dinner table piling on ridiculous amounts of food.

Let us touch on the amount of conflict that arises during large holiday gatherings. Most adults live a good distance away from their parents. However, once in close quarters, many mothers feel the need to resume their once very dominant position and begin to impose rules and regulations that have no place in the plate of a grown adult. There may be new mates at the table that are not liked by anyone except for the significant other and often with good reason. There is always the abandoned drunken uncle that no one will claim. What if he begins to spew secrets about the family that cause deep pain? The holiday season is not as pleasant for everyone as the media would have us believe.

I would also like to make the Hurry Up List. What is the Hurry Up List?…..
HURRY UP LIST
1.)IF YOU ARE SINGLE…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO START DATING?”
2.) IF YOU ARE DATING…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED?”
2A.) IF YOU ARE DATING AND LIVING TOGETHER…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED AND STOP LIVING IN SIN?”
3.) IF YOU ARE MARRIED…”WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY?”
4.) IF YOU ARE MARRIED WITH A BABY…”HAVE YOU GIVEN ANY THOUGHT TO ANOTHER CHILD?”
5.) IF YOU ARE WELL SEASONED AND WORKING…”WELL, WHEN DO YOU PLAN TO RETIRE?”

I will address this list in further detail in another post….

HOW I PLAN TO SPEND MY DAY
This holiday normally sees me on a stage somewhere far away performing for hours and a time. I often feel quite lonely until I return home and begin my journey to my family residence. By the time I normally arrive, the gathering has dwindled and I can get to the food without any lines or waiting. Fortunately, my parents recognize this as a career standard and happily welcome me late. When I am not performing on turkey day, I make the rounds to the places of invitation and finally roll around to my final destination of my parents. Today will be a different Thanksgiving for me.

Today, I have begun with blogging and a cup of moon tea. It shall be followed by meditation with a crystal quarts on into stretching, working out, and will be rounded with a nice hot bath to soothe my body. I expect to begin my journey early in the afternoon for the early dinner. The thoughts of the lonely still creep in my mind and perhaps, I should light a candle for them. When this day is over, I shall sleep soundly. Happy Thanksgiving!