Why I Hate My Menstrual Cycle

Dear Uterus,
I think that it is time that you understand how I feel about you. I have tried to keep the peace by purchasing different types of products to accommodate your various moods. You care nothing about my precious underwear or my life. You bleed for unreasonable lengths of time and cause bottles of Alleve to simply appear. Friends have begun delivering hot fudge sundaes to appease my ridiculous cravings.
There have been medical interventions since the day you arrived; the ultrasounds! I have tried to embrace you by wearing red bracelets to honor your presence. The fact of the matter is that I hate it when you are here and love it when you are gone. You interrupt my life as I know it. Sex is put on hold. Let me repeat that to you. Sex is put on hold. Suddenly, I am in pain and experience strong emotional upheavals. Lest we forget the trauma that you caused earlier this year. I was screaming first thing in the morning and crying prior to noon. My body spent the remainder of the day putting a hot air balloon to shame as I lay helpless on the bathroom floor.
I wore all black to work today. It was the perfect color. At approximately 10:45am, you decided to allow entire gallons of blood to gush forth like a flash flood. All of a sudden, my body felt flushed with heat. I thought that I was going to break into a sweat. As I reached for my chair, I quickly sat down so that the crimson waves could hopefully subside without anyone hearing sounds.
I do not want children yet there are stretch marks on my body. I am proud to be a woman and plan to reincarnate as this gender forever. Why on God’s green earth do I have to experience this “gift” every single month of my natural life is beyond my understanding. Why do women cry when they no longer get their period? I personally plan to have a party and invite all of my friends.
Perhaps in the future, you could be more understanding of the havoc that you cause. I will also be sending you a list of the type of underwear that I like from Victoria’s Secret. You owe me.

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