Thursday Thoughts of a Crystal
Appreciation goes a long way. It can inspire the most down trodden of souls to rise to new heights and experience new love. People react to such a change. Hugs increase. Polite requests appear. Memories are shared that you did not even know were present.
What you do is noticed. You are important. Your cup of tea may not be for the masses, but there is an audience. When you are enjoying yourself, people return that energy to you. This has been my experience over the last two weeks. From the surprise donation to the constant barrage of hugs that I am now receiving on a daily basis. There is an inner flame that hasn’t been present in such a long time.
My only hope is that all of you can follow the truest desires of your heart. For some that is finding the love of their lives while others probably need to escape to the French Riviera. Whatever it may be, go after it with all of the power that has been bestowed upon you. One Love.
What a question for me to answer. When I think of my foundation from my 30s, going into the third year of my 40s seems very comfortable. Empowered, silent, loquacious, lost, found…I have been at every place in the spectrum. Men, women, dogs, cats…been there done that. Is there something left for me to conquer? But of course.
This time next year will find me writing. Healing myself and others. My schedule will have a girls’ night in written in it. I will have one maybe two performing student ensembles in addition to a radical Bespoke gathering of black musicians. Massages and manicured nails shall return with the impromptu visits to the nude beach. Free spirited and happy.
You may be wondering about my private life. At some point there may be someone that I want to be with. However, for the next few years, I do not want to worry about anyone but myself. It has been quite a rocky road in this particular department of my life. People can make life quite heavy. Well, these arms do not want to carry anything other than joy. I can do bad all by myself. I can also make myself happy. This equation should not be complicated until further notice.
When this year began, mixed feelings ran rampant. My broken heart lay all over the floor while spiritually, an elevation began. Frustration, confusion, and inner chaos ruled the world. My job was dreary and there were little to no performances. As the summer crept upon me, I looked at my favorite season with dead pan eyes. I threw myself into a new endeavor. Studied. Highlighting. Questions. Passed the test. Green shirt and all. Motivation & encouragement. Being around emotionally intelligent people was completely new to me.
Hurricane season beckoned a return to my regular day job. I was less than enthusiastic but the mortgage awaits no emotion. My mind focused on the student appreciation from last year and how much little hearts sang for music. Compositions were arranged for their delight. Funding suddenly appeared for a project. The spark was ignited. Ideas strike me at all hours of the day. My entire body exists with an inner euphoria. Little people request hugs. Questions that show engagement are more frequent. All of this out of the middle of nowhere.
The emptiness that I felt has gone the way of the world. There is a reason for me to wake before the sun. My phone rings in the evening. It keeps me happy and a part of the world. All of the bad feelings that pestered me during the first half of 2019 have simply ended. Happiness feels good.
After the trials and tribulations of a frustrating year, my sudden discovery of happiness is rather scary. Joy has fallen out of the sky. The nights of contemplating life and what I want from it have been replaced by straight slumber and a snore. There is an inner flame that drives me through the day. Its as if there a smile from the inside that allows me to semi-float.
A pleasant turn of events started it all. Going above and beyond attracted appreciation which inspired me. Ideas strike me at all times of the day and text messages are constantly flying. While my diet needs work and my daily sleepiness is cause for an exercise moment, my general demeanor is bringing smiles from others as well as from myself. It is a welcome change in my life.
Two hours worth of driving. Potholes threatened to ruin my alignment forever. My morning shower seemed like a distant memory and the last two stops seemed overwhelming. I decided to stop for dinner. After a hearty meal of fast food, I called my next stop to see if an impromptu appointment was possible. The conversation was abrupt and devoid of success. My last stop never happened. Home was my sole destination after yet another day of not selling a single policy.
All sorts of horrible thoughts ran through my mind. This is not for me. I have already gone way out of my comfort zone and it isn’t working. There is a deadline on this pursuit for me now. Thoughts of my most recent love came to mind, and how I was treated ever so poorly. It haunts my mind without reason. How far have I come only to stumble on the rock that could lead me back into the rabbit hole.
The water fell upon my body and rescued me from petrified detriment. Online shopping commenced in order to improve my depleted closet. Did I break into tears? No. Moping? Yes. Do I want chocolate? Absolutely, but my need for chocolate has caused a new dress size that embarrasses me to say aloud. Back to Netflix and chill. Monday starts another week.
She has been using me left, right, and center; my beloved best friend. I was not aware of the situation. I thought that I was helping her instead, my kindness enabled her disease. My lack of boundaries and willingness to assist left little time to myself. One day, I found a spiritual path that truly spoke to me. All of my time was consumed with reading about it overnight. Drum circles and acupuncture appeared. Suddenly, my schedule changed. There was no time for me to visit her at work. I had to go home and read.
The phone rang one day. The demand for me to contact someone on her behalf came through when my voice interrupted with confusion. “Why don’t you call Carlos?”. Instead of calling me to call him for you, why don’t you call him directly. She was stunned and responded with the cover that, “I don’t have his number…” which was a complete lie. How is it possible that you spend thousands of dollars with someone and you do not have their number? I told her to hang up and sent it to her. My activities resumed completely unaware of what just transpired. In retrospect, that was the first time that I put a boundary in place.
Another day, while talking on the phone, she needed to make a call. Instead of excusing herself to handle her business, she asked me to call for her. Why do I have to make a call for you? Does it have anything to do with me? Didn’t we already handle this? My response was swift. “I can hang up so that you can make your phone call”. She persisted. Since my words were not honored the first time, I simply repeated myself with more emphasis. “Well, I can hang UP…..so that YOU…can make your phone call..”. She finally relented and ended our call. Second nail in the coffin. She was beginning to realize that I would no longer deal with her bullshit.
Our friendship eventually ended because she betrayed me as a last resort of control. It backfired to her surprise. I was no longer the same person that she met and could not be handled anymore. She was dismissed from my life without so much as a bon voyage party. Eight years of so called friendship and I did not even miss her. I blocked her number last year along with her sister. Apparently, both of them were still trying to contact me about what, I do not know.
Each hurricane season causes a surge in general anxiety with the South Florida public. Home Depot and Publix are descended upon. Bottled water and canned foods become hot commodities. Gas stations have lines longer than Disney, and FB circulates the most hilarious of storm memes. The National Hurricane Center become front and center for the world to see. Then there is me.
I live alone. It is rare that I am in an actual relationship. The few friends that I do have are all in relationships or something of the sort. For my own sanity, staying with my family is completely out of the question.
I do not think constant criticism in the middle of hurricane force winds is appropriate. My home is where I shall stay by my lonesome. It is the first time that an approaching storm has found me in such a position. One has to wonder about the state of affairs in which I find myself.