It is the eve of a new month, and there is no direction in my life.
My schedule finally allowed me to attend an essential oil presentation. It was also an excuse to force myself to be social. It is so much easier for me to keep to myself in the comfort of my home. The truth of the matter is that unless I venture out into the world, I will not, “cultivate those relationships that are so essential to life…”. A quote taken straight from my favorite realist.
It was a good scene for me. There I was shaking hands and introducing myself to people that were completely new to me. The information that was presented was useful and rather interesting. It made me consider the possibilities of combinations with the tools that are now in my healing bag. However, there was something that caused my ears to perk just a little bit more than before. There was a mention of Wayne Dyer and his bedtime rituals. A bedtime ritual.
Yes, there is the normal winding down and shutting off of electronic items. It is a good time to meditate and pray. The phrase bedtime ritual inspired me to declutter the area next to the bed and beautify it with order. A pink thank you card has been placed next to the two teddy bears that claim residence on the corner of the night stand. My new diffuse bracelet is laced with lavender and sits close to me. Candles and jewelry boxes round out the feel good scene.
Routines are things that I normally subtract from my equation but this is something that I would like to make a conscious go off for as long as the flow rings true for me. Perhaps some poetry will be added to the mystical music that puts me to sleep.
Create your own bedtime ritual and encourage your friends to do the same.
It was chilly. The live concert did absolutely nothing for me. The worldly collective sounds simply did not pierce my soul in the way that was anticipated. My face fell to the ground as my heart unfollowed the beat of the tabla. My cell kept appearing in my hands and boom. A missed phone call eluded to some sort of fun before turning into a pumpkin. A quick conversation soon led to tea and eye candy. Lots of late night eye candy.
While en route to my rescheduled spa appointment, I received some information that shocked me into a new realization. There was someone within my midst that would have to be removed. I wasted no time in doing so. The spa was lovely: massage and nails. It had been so long. Before anything else transpired in my life, it dawned on me that there was entirely too much craziness for a simple two week span and that another explanation had to be obvious. A quick calendar check revealed to me that indeed, I was living in the shadow of the infamous Mercury in Retrograde. My head hung in disbelief. The retrogrades were never written into my new calendar; how could I do this to myself.
After conversing with a trusted friend, she made plans for us to attend a comedic movie that night. The laughter and popcorn were exactly what I needed. As Saturday morning found me cuddled with my pillow, my desire for adult activities came to light. While I was calmer about the situation, it was apparent to me that a party was in order. An invite later that night did the trick. Great care was taken in planning an outfit and doing my make up. As my feet crossed the celebration threshold, my introversion was pushed to the side as an effort was made to be social. Hookah and glasses of wine soon followed. My time in this atmosphere was greatly appreciated and very necessary.
The weekend trip was postponed due to the crazy aftermath of my mom being in the hospital. The alternative was a great culmination of fun. Monday began with client errands and the arrival of my laptop bag. Meals have been cooked today instead of purchased. A light cleansing even took place. Such things have been delayed due to the new bathroom. There is finally less dust and more order in my humble sanctuary. Life has improved as the slow cycle creeps closer to us all.
It has been another week from hell. My insomnia raged out of control which made for very long nights. The events of the days piled high on my head only to settle before my eyes as the bed dismissed me. This weekend was supposed to be my first trip of the year. It was canceled. I had a performance prior to leaving which was also canceled. My phone rings with business propositions that all hang in the balance. People check on me throughout the day but as night falls, I realize why many enter into marriage. I question my life, and the way that it is handled. How exactly did I get here?
As this first cycle of the New Year progresses, the days have been challenging but not impossible. Surely with a good night of slumber, I will be able to greet Friday and my time alone at the spa. Perhaps I shall lock my phone away in my car. The Dominican Republic becomes more of a necessity as thoughts of Spring bubble.
Prayers, visits, calls, and constant check ins. I go to the house and perform for my mother as I watch her go through highs and lows. She lost the love of her life and it has devastated her. Sometimes it seems as if the night will swallow her whole until the sunrises to save her. The strong sisterhood stays around. They call her and visit often. They call me too. Patience, compassion, and harp music all mixed into one define my role in this situation. All I can do is continue to be supportive and present as my mother deals with this heavy loss.
My week was hellacious. Between the men that did not know how to flush, and surmounting issues at work, I was simply exhausted. Saturday was a high point in my schedule because of the planned time at a spa. As I made my way along the street, my phone rang. It was one of my mother’s cherished friends. She calmly explained to me that my mother had passed out while in church. Apparently there were several nurses on the site that jumped into action. Mommy was shaking violently because she was so cold. The women took their own sweaters and scarves and wrapped her in them. They placed her on the floor before she fell there. The water that she was trying to drink was not in synch with her mouth which caused a great alarm with the women. They realized that something was terribly wrong in addition to my mom announcing, “I feel faint”.
My phone continued to ring for about ten minutes. Different women were calling me. I could not cancel my appointment myself. I called a friend to take care of the task for me while I drove in one piece back to Baptist; the place of my brother’s birth, as well as the place of my father’s death. Back to Baptist Hospital I went. Once I saw my mother, she looked frail and was shaking worse than a leaf. A friend was at her side while nurses scurried around like rats. “Mommy, I was going to the spa”. She apologized to me. Her cheeks were puffy as hell. The violent shaking continued. Blankets upon blankets were piled upon her until the shaking finally subsided. Friends began to arrive as word left the church and went into homes.
When I felt comfortable leaving for the cafe, all I could think about was a nice cup of coffee. As the seat engulfed me, it was apparent that my father was having coffee with me. We sat there and enjoyed a meal together. Where else would he be but with his family? It was nice to see him. He escorted me back to my mother’s room where I remained until lunch.
My mother has a broken heart that will not heal any time soon. The sisterhood has gathered in numbers once again to stand at the side of their beloved Amy. All of them stand next to me as well. There is nothing like it on earth. The support that these women provide is unbelievable. Daddy’s departure has caused new issues to arise in my life; the biggest one being, my mother can no longer live alone. At age 37, this is new territory for me. My mother will not allow me to take control and help her and yet, she remains in her own way. The only thing that I can do is pray for my father to intercede while I gather information.
My house turned into a construction site over night. Things are out of place as the workers revamp my bathroom and tend to the water damage in the spare room. Such situations make my tummy flip. Between the insurance and the inflating budget, my home is in a flipped state. The chaos has disturbed my sleep and made me rather irritable. I do not like going home to my now non sanctuary and finding the men still there making a complete mess. Yes, I know I hired them. Yes, I know that I will love it once it is complete. However, the interim is killing me. Dust and machines are everywhere.
The workers have finally learned how to flush but still do not know how to put down the seat. Imagine that I have explained to the female contractor that finding foreign urine in my toilet with the seat up is against my religion. I finally posted a sign that reads: Thank You for putting down the seat. Its not that I want to come off as a rather unfriendly lady, but at what point does being a complete wild creature not disturb a civilized being?
There has been no meditation. There are no gatherings at my home. My harp is living in my kitchen for its own protection which does not encourage any cooking whatsoever. While the ghost that haunted the master bath has probably been scared away, others spirits and creepy crawlies have made themselves known. With wide holes open to the world, underground things that never see the light of day come out to have coffee with me.
I thought it best to make my way to my mother’s home for the evening so that the whole scene would not upset me once again. When I go home, my sanctuary helps me to relax and recharge. My friend keeps telling me that once everything is done, perhaps I can entertain company in the bathroom; a lover of sorts. Perhaps patience is a virtue that should be acquired for this situation. Friday night will find me at the movies. Saturday will find me at the spa. Sunday will find me in the recording studio. Come hell or high water…and just to be clear, I am the hell and the high water- SCANDAL
My desire to have a laptop has spanned a few years. As of last night, this desire has manifested itself into a Mac Air with a hot pink cover. After recruiting for the local chapter of the American Harp Society, I realized that I had to become more active myself. Upon planning to attend the harp party, a former harpist reached out to me and mentioned her longing to return. I now have a partner in crime that also wants to become more active in the harp world. I have looked into festivals and have included them in my travel plans. Remember, come Spring Break I will be sipping something alcoholic on a foreign beach with something accompanying me….my new laptop. I want to blog about the excitement at night from my hotel room. Why, I am blogging from my bed this evening thanks to this piece of expensive technology. CHEERS!