What I Want

This last week was extremely exhausting for me. Between late rehearsals and performances, I was a complete wreck. It made me realize something that has never been considered before. I have spent the better part of my life investing in other people; their children, their dreams, their futures. When I look around, there is no one at my side. There isn’t anyone for me to take to the museum or the Halloween orchestra concert for kids. At this stage of the game, there are resources at my fingertips and ideas that overflow. However, there isn’t a child of my own to reap the benefits. It makes me sad.
It was around this time last year that I announced to my mother that I wanted to have a baby. Her “supportive” nature enabled her to advise me to adopt because pregnancy may be difficult for me. The statement fell on deaf ears given that I am a premie and wasn’t expected to see the ripe ole age of 40. The early part of this year was spent choosing nursery colors and browsing baby clothes. Apparently, the little bundles of joy can be quite stylish.
My 30s were spent enjoying my freedom and glasses of white wine. After my father died, family took on a new meaning to me. As 40 hit, I knew that my own personal unit was something that I wanted. A significant other and a baby. Experiences, love, living, and joy. The whole package is of great interest to me. Life changing is an under statement. I guess that a decade can change a woman’s mind about previous goals.

Harpitation: A Baby’s Welcome

I became friends with a pregnant woman. We talk every Monday for about an hour. I have been wanting to serenade her baby for a while now, and today brought that opportunity my way. Two other coworkers joined us for the festivities. There we were in a rugged formation. Holding space for the upcoming arrival of a new bundle of joy; four women welcoming a little girl.
The swells of the music touched everyone. The movements of the baby changed to a relaxed nature. She would violently kick her mother in between songs as if to say, “What is happening”. All of us sat and talked for a good while enjoying the celestial space that had been created. It wasn’t until later in the evening when I realized what had actually taken place. It was a special moment for all of us.

Chapel vs. Carriage

I gifted a coworker with a journal for her upcoming baby girl. She was so touched by the special gesture. We have spent many a day simply talking about personal space and all things baby. I felt comfortable talking to her about my hidden desire to give birth. It was a safe space for me to express myself. It seemed only natural that I help her to celebrate her own gift.
While sitting in the GYN office yesterday afternoon, I spied a tagline in a magazine that helped me come to a realization. There is clothing available that allows you to breast feed without making an announcement to the entire world. While I am concerned about what will happen to my breasts as a result, breastfeeding seems to be the route for me to go. My division of natural vs. unnatural still looms around everything but, it will be important to give a baby the best foot going forward.
My color selection for the nursery has gone from lilac to off white. I am a strong believer in pink for girls and blue for boys; however, who decided that each color was exclusive based on gender? It would be best if I simply chose a nice soft color that can be adjusted based on the personality that will come into existence. An elephant will be included. The thought of an interior designer even came to mind but that quickly vanished.
Is it wrong to plan a nursery before a wedding? Maybe. But this is where I am…..