The Vagina IV: Maintenance and Upkeep

Pluck. Shave. Design. Blood. Itchy. Wax. Tweeze. Every woman is familiar with these words in relation to her sacred yoni part. Each woman has a different approach to her secret place. Some have standing waxing appointments for the entire enchilada while others yet prefer the raging bush of the jungle. Its a matter of preference really. The mere mention of a beach outing or an intimate night can often send a woman into a trimming fit. What some find natural and appealing sends others into a tantrum. Where did all of this originate? It could be concluded that men’s fantasies have played a role into this scenario. Women often consult their significant others of their preference when it comes to this subject. I prefer to consult my own preferences when it comes to my body but to each her own. There is even speculation that some shave it into designs and add dye. While that is a bit much for my own personal taste, art is to be placed on a high level. Whatever the punany regimen of the female, the maintenance and upkeep of the almighty pussy is a full time job.

THE VAGINA III: INTERNAL ISSUES

It is covered most of the day. It is under us where we can’t see it. When it is examined, our feet have to be put in stirrups so the infamous gynocologist can get the best view. A lot goes on in there without the insertion of any body part. Sometimes, it becomes infected with yeast or bacteria. For those of you that are special, you may get a nice combination of both which then causes the gyn to prescribe a strong cocktail of sorts to stick in your twat. I am about to paint the picture where insult is added to a very uncomfortable injury.

You are already itchy. You are taking the creams and popping the pills. You are avoiding everything including: sex, waxing, sweets, coffee, and alcohol; yes, the angel of death is near. Then your poor clueless boyfriend says to you, “Maybe if we do it without the condom it will get better….”. Do you hear an explosion of gunfire in your head?

Many of you are in the practice of sleeping without underwear just to give the special present time to breathe and enjoy itself. It never gets enough air. Plenty of water is also good for its self marination. If you can avoid the overeating of sweets, large consumptions of coffee, and happy hour, the chances of you getting a yeast infection should be lowered. Just remember that nature has a sense of humor. Did you know that you can have an infection while your moontime is in effect? Yes, you too can experience higher levels of discomfort. The creams are not necessarily the best for the vjj either; however, who can blame a girl for wanting to cure the symptoms immediately and working on the cause later.

THE VAGINA PART II: THE ARGUMENT

YES. NO. MAYBE. I COULD. I SHOULDN’T. BUT I REALLY WANT TO. DAMN. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? MAJOR SIGH.

Trying to decide on when to be celibate vs. when to be sexually expressive can be a rather daunting task. There are so many factors that come into play. How long has it been since your last expression? Have you known this person long enough? Should you keep this person at an arm’s length or sit in their lap? Have the two of you been tested? What do you really want from this relationship? What if you just want sex? An interview for self.

Every woman has faced these questions and more. Sexual frustration can cause a serious imbalance in the sacral chakra and thus, throw everyone else out of alignment. That powerful release has many benefits for overall health, mind, body, and soul. You can work off calories, release magical chemicals, experience that special senesation unlike any other, and lay in that afterglow. Are there negative side effects? Of course. Welcome to life.

Let me be aggressive with this sentiment: Your pussy can’t ride every dick. Not all dicks were meant for entrance into your sacred temple. Once your information is explored, there is the possibility of pregnancy, disease, unecessary clinging, and adicktion. What if you get pregnant from a one night stand? Do you know that the factors that you did not consider about your “date” could become important in your child’s life? Did you know about that pesky gout on his side or the fact that all of the men lose their hair at age 30? Would you still have played with him? Maybe not. hmmm.

If you foray into this play pen with this particular playmate, what is the desired outcome? Is this a friends with benefits with the hope that it blooms into something else or are you just making a mistake for the sake of getting a slice? What of your spiritual side as you delve into the bed of fun, where does that go? Does it take a turn for the worse because it is settling while your yoni explodes? Decisions. Tough ones.

Women have to accept that yes they have a sexual drive too. It is normal and can be quite overwhelming sometimes. It doesn’t make you cheap or loose. It does make you quite frisky. Some suggest toys. Others suggest chocolate. Everyone has her own way of dealing with those long bouts of unwanted celibacy. Why, it can boil down to a your head saying one thing while the pussy says another. You have to decide for yourself which one will win and if you can live with your decision.

THE VAGINA: The Misunderstanding

The portal of life. The entrance into the universe. The vagina has been misunderstood from the beginning. It has been locked away in chastity belts and chastised for its natural behavior. The covered part has been teased for its appearance and misued for dominance. Perhaps these things have happened because it is heavily viewed as the target and property of men.

The vagina is a part of a woman’s body. It is an important part of her body. It facilitates the menstral cycle(separate post), allows life to enter, assists in the relieving of waste amongst other things. It can be the source of great pleasure, and the source of great pain(in truth, the latter may be about the uterus). Let us take a deeper look at the poor, misunderstood vagina.

NAMES
How did the word vagina come about? Furthermore, how did all of these other names for vagina come about? Pussy, whoo ha, vjj, information, Netherlands, punany, vagi, girl, present, yoni,. We have various comfort levels with each nickname. I personally do not love the word vagina and coined information instead. Vagina seems so medical to me for something that I have to deal with every single day of my life. Moving on.

When did it become appropriate for our information to be splashed all over television? From what I remember of television, music videos do not differ that much from pornography. It seems to be an invisible line. Obviously, there is a demographic for such material or else it wouldn’t be in business. Why is the information referred to so harshly by demeaning its owner? A hoe is a tool used for gardening. Let me go with that for a minute. A hoe is a tool that is used by different farmers. Should the farmers also receive names for using the hoe in the garden? Does the farmer use gloves when dealing with the hoe in the garden? If the gardners then have other seeds, is he considered a responsible gardner? Why does the emphasis fall on the hoe? Enter a girl unsure about her body into this scenario.

Your mother(hopefully) explains the things that you need to know about your body to you so that you can refrain from sex until you are married and not give birth outside of wedlock lest you be struck by some unknown electric force from the sky. Stories of sexual escapades may even reach your tender ears as you wonder about that virginal night of sweet bliss that in truth may hurt and not even last that long. What is wrong with this picture? Well, did you ever look at it in the mirror to see the differnt parts? A real one looks different from that medical sketch in textbooks. It has more hair too. Before I forget, the clitoris needs to be discussed.

The clitoris has not been mentioned. The sexual arousal differences between men and women have not been mentioned. SELF PLEASURE HAS NOT BEEN MENTIONED. There are women on this earth that do not experience orgasms. That is a crime against nature. You can bring forth life into the world but you do not enjoy your own body? How many of us were led to believe that our sexual pleasure depends on the whims of a man? We are sexual creatures without any one else in the room. Garden.
This should be celebrated. A woman has choices with this. Many, many choices.

A woman should be able to enjoy the sight of herself in the mirror and the thrust of her own hips as she rocks them back and forth. How else is the sacral chakra expected to be freed from its chains of bondage? Enjoy the sensation of playing with your own hair. Wear silk and taste honey. Throw on a nice black dress and strut around in heels(don’t tell my podiatrist that I said that). Wear that gorgeous feather boa that your girlfriend gave you but you are too shy to try on even in private. Take a nice hot bath by candle light and enjoy all of the wonderful sensations of being a woman. In other words, connect with and honor that which belongs to you; all of you.

I now wonder why I even named this the vagina. Wait, I know why. Your entire body is used to support it. Perhaps this part of our body is misunderstood because of the wrong emphasis that is placed on it. Instead of looking at it as something that can please a man, look at it as something that belongs to you. What do you want to do with it? Nothing? Something? Everything? You have options. A healthy one can work wonders for you. Gripping super powers come to mind. You can even decorate it if you like. If we are to understand our own vaginas, we have to understand everything that goes into it existing. It isn’t just that thing that is splashed all over the television for men to enjoy. It is much more than a comfort zone for a penis. It is something sacred that belongs to us.

Sympathy

Sometimes, I want sympathy for being f***able. I was asked why I would want sympathy instead of congratulations. Well, I get congrats all the time. People stop me in the streets, friends admire(the fake ones were lost with the weight), and the sight of my own body in progress is a huge accomplishment for me. The sympathy comes in here.

The scheduling of classes alone takes up some time out of my day. When I have to reschedule a workout session, that is potentially detrimental because I like to have between 3-4 times a week in whatever studio I support at the time. I pay torturemasters to kick me around because if left to my own devices, I would give a Teletubby a run for its money. Once my body begins to detox, I can’t eat the same old junk anymore which requires healthy cooking. Did I mention the probiotics three times a day, the different teas, and water intake? I get to dress differently because my old clothes hang off me. Its a beautiful thing working towards a healthy version of me…but sometimes, Lady wants a hug of understanding how difficult it is trying to maintain the new me.

Maybe I shall ask my current instructors….

Random Thoughts for Today….

1. Does the slice of vanilla cake think about me the way that I think about it?
2. Do my shoes (the really high heels) have a gender?
3. Why does a breast offend people?
4. Why am I told to listen to a potential significant other in reference to “commands”?
5. Why is a woman expected to submit to her husband? Does the husband submit to his wife? Why is the word submit present?

6. If there were chastity belts for women, was there anything for men? Why not? Dicks wander around too….

ACRONYMS

The chasing & acquiring of a dick is a difficult business.  How does a single girl narrow down her choices to just the right pleasureable delight? Will it be just the right size, does it belong to another woman? Man?  Is it polyamorous, play for both teams or is it simply on the prowl for what I have to offer?  You have to know these things up front.

There are so many things to consider when on the hunt for…well, you know.  I remember not too long ago, a friend of mine had to drive to Orlando to get some…4hrs, traffic, gas..men really make a girl work so hard.

She couldn’t really explain to me what was going down or in for that matter…since she was surrounded by polite company.  That was the day that I created ODA.  You know, OFFICIAL DICK ALERT. Please man your text messages.

You never know when an ODA will strike. You could be decked out in your Africali best hanging out on Halloween when that roofer with the dreads calls inquiring about the uses of the sofa in your second room…what about the man in uniform..the one that you still dream of(because his dick would put a porn star to shame)…texts you to see if he can spend the night? ODA!  All texts and calls stop at once..which can come in handy in case you forget to turn off your cell….

A very girl girl..such as myself, needs time to devote to purfume, proper outfitting, heels, and….will I throw him to the ground as soon as he walks through the door or will I make him my ….. on the kitchen table(I chose to make him mine on the kitchen table).

Now, sometimes you don’t have an ODA…you have a PODA…POTENTIAL ODA.  The dick may be hovering.  A txt here, a call there.  Oh, I may have to work late.

Men…always making things so damn difficult.  Why can’t you just say yes, I know that you are hornier than me and I am coming to take care of the situation just give me a minute..Is it so wrong, to just want a piece of heaven on a stick? that wonderful, delicious, and always nutricious, the fabulous, the fuckable…THE FEELING OF A DICK.

***I would like to dedicate this to all of my single sisters out there who dream of their next time…..

GOT HONEY

Got honey? or am I sweet enough? Maybe you can spread me on something.  Do you have any ideas?  Maybe we can try one of mine.  Close your eyes and allow me to purr in your ear.  Outside on the patio lays a flat circular pillow.  We can gaze at the stars, identify the constellations, take in the sweet jasmine aroma.  You can put me in your lap.  Let me do the rest.  Up, down, all around.  Side split and oh my, I think that I am blushing.  Hmm…so did you have honey?  Oh, so I am sweet enough? Put me on the wall.  Excellent technique.   I am blushing again …..Forget the honey, there isn’t any time.