The cramps have begun. Between my oil and giant pills, the pain game is being played. I have been fighting with my damn uterus since the adolescent scandal of 13. In spite of the fact that I have a bikini wax scheduled for the morning, my menstrual cycle has decided to arrive and make my left boob feel like an alien has invaded my body. The ginger candy and hot fudge topping round out my dinner. I wonder if my monthly pain payments and period regimen (sleeping on top of towels, dark colors, all kinds of pads filling my purse, etc.), are accepted as a deposit towards pregnancy. Mother Nature needs to sit down with us and explain this. Women get upset over menopause, and I am trying to figure out why…..
As I tiptoed into the office, an associate greeted me. I sat down and leaned in with a whisper: “I do not know where my father is buried”. She was very kind and responded that it is a very common occurrence. A map was presented which soon followed an escorted ride to the exact spot where my father was last seen in his body. There is no tombstone as of yet because my mother has yet to address it. On top of the place where the casket that held him descended into the earth is where my body planted itself for some time today. The sound of wind chimes were very pleasant. Other people were in other locations in the graveyard delivering flowers to their loved ones. My father would probably prefer a copy of Sports Illustrated or The Miami Herald.
There I sat simply having a conversation with him. His contributions to my life make me wonder if I am being effective with my life purpose. Am I making a difference? What is my legacy? The wind began to push me about as my feet carried me to my car. As I drove away, mental notes were taken regarding the spot of my father’s grave in the hopes that I could return with ease. It was time for me to return to Broward County so that I could further my knowledge about ancestors; there was a class on the subject. Because I have such a direct connection now, it is a topic of great interest to me.
As the Retrograde began, a serious issue came to my attention. Instead of confronting it head on, I decided to lay low to give myself enough time to think clearly and rationalize the predicament. It was the best move ever. I reached a solution to this impasse and developed a plan of investigation in order for me to go farther. What is the moral of this shared experience? Honor your feelings. If something doesn’t feel right or just doesn’t sit properly with you, do not dismiss it as nothing. Do not ignore it or look the other way. When dealing with your well being, be diligent and always have enough time to handle it. Nothing is more important than you.
Sometimes, my interactions with people cause me to take a pause. More often than not, this is the case which is part of why I would rather stay in the comfort of my own home. It is simply easier and safer. The downside of this is that the house begins to swallow you whole. Time passes you by and life becomes mundane. This is not news.
What is news is that after a long period of questioning and trying to rationalize my purpose in life, an epiphany washed over me earlier today. Research and browsing are both something that I would like to conduct for myself once again. There are certain spiritual matters that require answers for me. This will require training, reflecting, interviews, and time. It is my hope that I can find whatever it is that seeks me. It is comforting to know that there is a foundation that I can lay. Resources will begin to reveal themselves, and a new layer of myself shall unfold. Am I not the onion that is peeled away layer by layer?
There I was sitting in the middle of my home. My mother crossed my mind as she does a lot these days in her grief. Since the passing of my father, her life has changed drastically. After almost 40years together, the love of her life has gone to the land of the ancestors. A moment of inspiration struck me. This is the letter that I texted her:
My sadness is not for my father dear mother. He walks amongst the clouds in the land of heaven. He is free from the troubles of the world and enjoys the company of his long lineage. My sadness is now for you. Your soulmate has transitioned from this life and you are left behind to mourn the tremendous loss. Know that the burden is not yours alone. Know that God will never forsake you which you have seen firsthand since God put his angels in motion. You shall rise from this process a victorious woman. Daddy shall await your ascension. Until then beloved mother, your entire life lays ahead of you. As you embrace this new chapter, I await at your feet to encourage and cheer you on. It is your time to shine. Do not fret. Mommy, God is always on your side. Cry if you must, but when the dawn comes, smile. Life is beautiful. Your faith alone shall set you free.
Change is a personal choice because it involves effort. Effort is something that not every individual on the planet has the desire or integrity to execute. It is easier to speak about an issue without the person’s knowledge instead of confronting the person. Instead of dieting an exercising, many opt to spend tons of money on plastic surgery only to be disappointed when the weight returns. A band aid is too small to cover a wound; it requires a team of surgeons.
Change is not something that you can hope for or expect. You must take part in it. How? It begins with something small. Perhaps you are unhappy with the way that you carry yourself. You lack confidence or that extra spring in your walk. You know about these things but have yet to do anything about them. What is stopping you? Perhaps it is fear.
Fear is a crippling disease that begins in our own minds and can rob us of our hopes and dreams. Obstacles may appear larger than what they truly are when in truth, help could be just around the corner. I have found that I am surrounded by people that know a lot about other avenues that can often assist me. It only takes asking the right person the right question. It takes starting a conversation with that nice gentleman inside the botanica. When you want to help yourself, people want to help you.
For the last few weeks, my life has lacked any purpose whatsoever. I have felt completely useless and withdrawn from the passion of living. My existence has been unimportant. These feelings lingered long enough for me to check the info regarding my personal life cycles. There it was in black and white. During cycle 7, feelings of aimlessness and pessimism frolic. Mind and spirit are low. Reading that made me feel so much better. A girl likes to think that she is associated with some sort of positive meaning in life and to be without one was a bad feeling.
Since reading that, not much has changed. The routine of life bores me. There are ways that I engage myself with fun. My nails are a screaming bold blue. My new handbag is a bright orange which has company with a matching water bottle. It is the little things in life that get me. After finally beginning the background work for some upcoming projects, my feelings are slowly coming together about myself.
It was in this lifetime that I discovered the beat of the drum. No one else followed this particular beat and so….I danced with it.
The pastor said that women act more like men than men do. As I sat at my harp listening to this message being delivered in the middle of a wedding ceremony, my mind paused on this statement. Women can get artificially inseminated and do not need to get married; he spoke these words next. Truth.
If we take a closer look at the situation, perhaps there are circumstances beyond womens’ control that are causing these things to take place. Many women became strong and independence not because of their personality, upbringing, or by choice; they did so because it was a life requirement. If a worthy man is not in the picture, you have to handle everything by yourself. You can either cry about it, or put on a nice pair of shoes and take on the world.
As I listened to the news this morning, the story of a man that dropped a rather excessive amount of money in a strip club would report fraud to the credit card company the next morning. A football player lost his son by the hands of another man. How could I possibly forget about the man that impregnated enough women to be a public nuisance yet he felt the need to ask for a break from the court because, ” I can not afford all of these children.” Prince Charming is not in this deck. That does not mean that he does not exist but there are many a Cinderella in waiting that simply choose to take care of themselves.
Sometimes the desire to have a baby outweighs the desire to have a relationship with a man that would produce one. No, it is not natural. Neither is the food from McDonalds but people consume it every single day. Relationships are difficult to maintain. Motherhood alone brings its own special bag of challenges. It is an option that many choose to employ.
How does this affect me you may wonder. At this stage of the game, I would rather be alone than with someone that can not bring anything to the table. How do you plan to improve what I have already done for myself? Are you supportive, emotionally available? Do you expect me to drop my own life in honor of your presence? There are many things that my sisters deal with that I will not….but then again, a Lady always has options:)
Human bonding involves risk. It is not for the faint at heart. You have to lay your soul bare if you are to experience the highest levels of true love, compassion, and ultimate fulfillment. For those that choose to push themselves to the extent of such experiences, the consequences include rejection, isolation, and increased fear. They are the true daredevils in life. They are willing to risk it all for the one thing that technology will never replace: true connections.
On this new moon in Cancer, look at the most important connection. Look into yourself. Reach out to the fragments that do not please you and understand those aspects that do not get a lot of attention. Why is that? Balance the overexposed parts with those that never see the light of day. Give yourself permission to make necessary adjustments in your life. You may require time in solitude or a night out with friends, maybe a combination of both. Understand how you have gotten away from yourself and learn how to get you back. As a community of connected women grows, society as a whole will flourish, and the universe shall be at peace.