It was six months of me not getting what I wanted. Adults have needs that can be met by being with other adults in intimate 1:1 situations. That was the sole purpose of the association. After a one time encounter, it never happened again much to my dismay. My invitations were met with, “you play too much”. Instead, I received occasional visits which were filled with luke warm conversation. Small talk is nice. Since it was all that was being offered, my invitations stopped. I accepted the small talk. Six months passed and a train hit me like a ton of bricks.
Out of the middle of nowhere, I was invited to a night of adult fun. If I said that I was not pleased, it would not properly describe the magnitude of disdain in which I responded. The next day brought the offer of a date. My silence was deafening. It was not long before text messages about games and the real me appeared. My response was simple, “I do not play games. For six months, you were not interested in me. I stopped requesting your company and accepted the fact that you just wanted to be friends. My life continued.” As the sun rose the next day, I was informed that after work, a shower would be taken and that I would have company for the evening. My growing fear did not allow me to respond. Imagine my shock when I found out that company appeared on my property without invitation. Fortunately, my schedule had me elsewhere. I asked for all future communication to halt. My request was denied.
Phone calls from a friend started to hit my phone. Gifts began to appear on my porch. My rage began. The gifts were promptly collected and delivered to the local Goodwill where someone else could appreciate them. I was insulted by the fact that all of this effort was now being made to chase me when it could have been made well over six months ago. You were not interested in me and placed me on a shelf. I do not belong on a shelf. After a mutual friend stepped in, all attempts to flatter me ceased.
This experience proved many things to me. You need to appreciate opportunities when they present themselves to you. Time will make you appreciate what you had. Intentions should be communicated from day one. Too little too late will leave people alone in the dust. Life does not stop simply because someone does not know your worth. What you want for yourself, is not always what you need; this situation is the perfect example of this.
Ten years ago, I would have sat around twiddling my thumbs awaiting my turn in the spotlight. Now, I am forty and forty pounds lighter. Not only do I have options in my life, but I also want to be with someone that wants to be with me and makes that clear as day. There are people in the world that would shout from the top of mountains that you are their beloved regardless of what is happening in their life. That is the type of person that I want to be with. Make me feel like you know that I exist. Put forth actual effort into making me feel special. It does not require the budget of a millionaire; it is free. Acknowledge my presence in spite of the fact that you have the entire world on your schedule. A morning text message goes a long way, and so does a good night text. It is the little things that make the heart of a woman melt. It is the moments in which words are not shared and feelings are that connect two people. At the end of the day, that is all any of us want. A meaningful connection with another human being in an intimate relationship. It has nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with the basic human need of togetherness.
In an effort to find love, we have all been guilty of ignoring the warning signs. While it is important to see the good in every person, it is also important to know when two people do not belong together. Communication styles must be similar. Common interests are a major plus. While it is possible to have different religious beliefs, it helps if there is some sort of connection between the two. Here is a list of common red flags that everyone is familiar with:
1.) Jealousy: This is an evil form of insecurity. It ruins relationships and divides entire communities. When someone has a problem with another person in your life, be aware of how this affects you. Unfortunately, you may be forced to choose sides. I can say that I have always chosen in favor of the person that was present first. 9 out of 10 times, the new person is the true issue.
2.) Neediness: When an individual expects you to be at their beck and call 24hrs a day, regardless of your work, bathroom, or sleep requirements, you need to put a great space in between the two of you. A human being is allowed to be without their significant other during various periods during the day. You are not responsible for the needs of another adult that is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
3.) Tantrums: People that throw adult sized tantrums whenever they do not get exactly what they want from you, should be left in their crib to knock themselves out.
4.) Excuses: Recognize when you are not a priority. When someone says to you, “I was not able to call you back because I was walking my dogs…..”, do not call that person anymore. “Let me think about it” is another phrase that is used to waste your time.
This list is small but speaks volumes. Sometimes, it is better to stay home on a Friday night and watch Netflix vs. dealing with individuals that do not know what they want and should truly be in therapy vs. any social arena.
He was attractive and had a skill. We exchanged numbers. Within a week, his kisses were accompanied with fondling. I blinked and he asked me point blank, “When are we going to have sex?”. Unfortunately for me, I tend to give people too much credit. This was a red flag yet I trudged ahead. He soon vanished to New York for a week without letting me know. Upon returning, he asked me, “How jealous are you on a scale of 1-10? Because if I saw you in the street with someone else, I would not approach you in an inappropriate manner.” It was one of the strangest conversations of my entire life.
When I told him that his boss hit on me, he told me not to be mean to the individual because his boss was his friend. One evening, I asked him to take me to the movies. His response, “Oh, so you want to take your man to the movies!”. I ended up going with a friend. All of these circus acts were extremely strange to me because I do not play games with people. As a result, they often go unnoticed by me with serious questions. While explaining his behavior to a friend one evening, something dawned on me. He soon heard his phone ringing. He soon heard me asking him if he was sleeping with someone. All of a sudden he claimed that he had to go. He heard the same question again to which he finally relented, “I can not tell a lie. I am seeing someone else.” My voice declared that he had a girlfriend and that he was trying to cheat on her with me. It was not going to happen. He said that he did not see it that way. I screamed at him that he should never call me again in his life. Messages started coming in along the lines of, “I am sorry that I could not take you to the movies.”.
This happened a long time ago. A lot has changed since then. Now, I know what I want. I am in tune with my feelings, and there it is not a problem for me to cut someone off or subtract myself from the equation. This man never gave me any reason to give him the benefit of the doubt. He earned suspicion and a lot interrogation. Instead he received the benefit of the doubt, and two weeks of my life. It was not a waste because this was a lesson for me. Now, it is a lesson for anyone that cares to read it.
There are private experiences that a girl has that she never tells anyone. There are other private experiences that a girl has that are too good to keep to herself. This will be one of those posts…….
It was the Spring of 2010. Bellydance had given way to the scandalous world of pole. New sights and sounds were captivating me and a new lifestyle held me in its arms. Hip scarves, coins, and glitter, had been traded in for heels, skin, and lots of naughtiness. It was great and exactly what a repressed Lady needed to allow the abundance of her sacral chakra to manifest. That is my attempt at being subtle. Allow me to be direct: pole turned me into a Lady on the prowl.
Easter Sunday was when I received the call. An artist friend wanted me to assist him with a project. He wanted to created a brotherhood circle with a new artist in town from France. He wanted people to be able to go back and forth between the two galleries and enjoy culture: art, music, dance, food, wine. Life at its finest. Within days, I visited his gallery to get a feel for the entertainment space. I was soon taken to the gallery of the visiting artist from France.
The meeting must have caused quite a sensation amongst sensitive people. My friend told me prior to entering the gallery that I should do something that called upon Egypt of yesteryear. As my feet carried me into the all white gallery, my eyes turned to the left and there was a painting of a harpist in the court of a pharaoh. What are the chances….
After admiring the artwork, I followed the sounds of Creole and French. Apparently, the artists were having a conversation. As my eyes took in the sight of the gorgeous piece of chocolate from France, strange things began to happen. Lots of blinking was necessary because a large white light was surrounding him. I felt calm and happy at the same time. We did not exchange a lot of words because neither of us knew what to say. I had to step away for a moment to take in everything that had transpired. Who was this gorgeous foreigner and how did I end up in his presence? I was the person that was going to arrange the entertainment between both galleries?! How did I get this lucky. He immediately invited me to have a drink with him. All of us ended up in the previous gallery dancing and making general merriment well into the night. It was official. The art world had swallowed me whole.
Gallery night soon appeared. One by one all of the dancers that had been confirmed vanished for one reason or another. The entire performance segment fell onto my shoulders. With my cd in tow, I danced to my own music. It was a surreal experience for me. It was a lovely evening. People gazed upon the art with sheer admiration. Wine was poured and laughter was everywhere. As my night came to a close, I found myself in the arms of the handsome Frenchman who had captivated my attention only days before.
It was necessary for me to go home as a pole class was on my schedule for the next day. I packed the harp and left.
The next day, the handsome Frenchman invited me to visit him at his gallery. I politely declined because of pole class when it hit me. There was a very strong attraction happening between us. He was leaving for France in a matter of days, and I probably would never see him again. It would be okay for me to visit him for a nice friendly chat. Perhaps he woulds serve tea and crumpets. I decided to stop by his gallery prior to pole class in the Grove.
My hair was perfect. My outfit was also quite nice. I waltzed up to the gallery and knocked on the door. He unlocked it and allowed me to enter. I asked him if we were alone. He responded yes. There was not a lot of conversation after that. All I can say is that for the next three days, we were inseparable. Before he boarded the plane to return to France, he thanked me for a wonderful visit. I thanked him for the memory of a lifetime. This is the reason that I will always have a special place in my heart for the country of France.
As my feet walked me away from the drum circle, the sand clumped along my legs. My multi colored scarf covered my lower portion as I simply couldn’t resist not taking a dip in the moon kissed ocean. A feeling of attention hit me. It occurred to me that a drummer was going to ask me out. As soon as I got to the fence, he turned around and acknowledged me. He introduced himself and got down to business.
My mind, my heart, my spirit all agree…there is no way that I can get involved with another human being right now. It is not the time in my life to be romantic or entertain such notions. However, the idea that men are noticing me during this period of my life is a form of entertainment for me. A few weeks ago, an old flame contacted me for lunch. He was in town and wanted to reconnect. What in the world is the universe laying at my feet?
1.) There is someone to share your life with. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
2.) You always have a date to functions including the movies.
3.) There is someone to share meals with on a regular basis.
4.) There is a sense of comfort that fuels you throughout the day.
5.) A nice warm hug is never too far away.
6.) You have an automatic emergency contact.
7.) You can hang out with other couples without being the odd one.
8.) There are shared experiences that become pleasant memories for both of you.
9.) Plans are no longer one sided.
10.) When the world is captured by night, there is someone by your side.
Of course, I have to talk about the cons……
1.) You have to coordinate personal time in order to avoid feelings of neglect.
2.) Family involvement becomes a whole new scenario.
3.) The word emotion is always spelled with an upper case E.
4.) Decisions are no longer made alone because you have to consult your other half.
5.) Long periods of separation may cause angst.
Overall, I will say that a relationship can be a beautiful thing to experience especially with the right person. Everyone should have the blessing of such joy at least once in their lives.
It was my 16th year on this planet. My claim to fame was my job as the pianist at my church. It was a wonderful education for a future professional musician to have. The situations that I found myself in were priceless teachers. It was not long before the church acquired a youth minister.
Upon sight, my father did not like this man. My mother thought that people had to give him a chance to settle in. I was not too particular about him myself. When he called me one Sunday evening at 11pm, my father had some harsh words to say. The pastor’s wife was contacted. We found out that he had called all of the girls late at night. He was spoken to by the appropriate personnel. I still was not fond of the man. An uncomfortable feeling always came over me and his accent was rather aggravating. He was not a genuine individual and was hiding something.
One day after service, I was in the church lobby. I saw him coming down the hallway. In an effort to avoid him, I slipped into the kitchen. He was suddenly inside the kitchen with me slamming the door behind him. He said that if he did not know any better, that he would think that I was trying to avoid him. As a nervous smile crossed my face, I let myself out the door on the other side. I told the one person that would do something about it; my father.
When I told my beloved Daddy what had transpired after service, he was extremely upset. He explained to my mother that if she planned to remain in that church, she would have to fix this situation before he got involved. The youth minister was promptly told to marry his girlfriend which he did. It was not long before he mysteriously vanished. We never had another youth minister. I stopped working at that church just prior to my pastor leaving as a missionary to Africa.
I wrote this because I know women that were in this situation that did not fare as well as I did. There was someone that believed me and did something to protect me. Many women are raped as girls and it was allowed to happen by their mothers; rape victims themselves. When a child feels bad around someone, do not force them to be cordial around that person. There is something dark that the child senses and spirit is the one making the child feel bad as a protective measure. Thank God for my father.
The snake is an important symbol for women. It is often used to represent the awakening of the Kundalini or a beginning. However, I am using this title in its more popular sentiment; one who is devious and intends harm upon you. That is the way that I felt.
It was still early in my career. One Sunday, I had accompanied a friend to church where a guest speaker was delivering the message; he was not a pastor. It was a good message. I did not think much of him beyond his raspy voice. However, when he called me on the phone to ask me out on a date, a game changer presented itself. I was single without a gentleman caller in sight. It could not hurt to meet him for a bowl of fruit which is what I ordered at Denny’s.
He was much older than I was. His grown children were about my age and had grown rather accustomed to their father’s preference in women. As the conversation began, it was mild enough. As it slowly progressed, it became apparent to me that he was choosing the type of condom that he wanted to use. He abruptly announced that the point of us meeting was to begin a relationship of trust and love. It would be between the two of us without our mutual friends interfering. Strike one. When I found myself in his cold embrace, I immediately blurted out that I was leaving. Not once did I indicate that I wanted his evil flesh on my person because I was cold. The only reason why I did not vacate the restaurant was that he caused a scene. What if he followed me to my car in the parking lot? When I was able to detangle myself from his claws, I called my friend and told her that I never wanted to see this epic failure again in my life.
Phone calls continued to flood my cell for a few more days until he received the message that I was not interested in his existence. I am under the impression that he expected me to fall for him instantly because he was older and had money. My poor young brain would surely tell my legs to part for him. He kept pressuring me during our unpleasant dinner to go elsewhere with him so that we could talk. After explaining to him that this scenario was not possible because it was already late, he retorted that he was getting up at 4am and would not ask me again. This may have been strike two for me.
It was not long after this outing that I was informed that he used to be a pastor but lost the title. He also had a hovering fiance of sorts. Why wasn’t any of this brought up during the dinner? After he quietly left town, he was never heard from again.
The lively Facebook conversation led us to meet in real life. He was eager to talk and be social. We drove around North Miami in search of nourishment. His conversations insinuated that he would be interested in being more than a friend. His accent sounded British, and he had a rather feminine quality. After being simply famished, Taco Bell looked rather appetizing. Please remember that this is being written in retrospect.
The statement of friend vs. lover arose. This left a question mark in my mind. There are certain things that a man will do if he is trying to get to know a woman. He had not made any of those strides as evident by my dinner bill. Upon the stroke of midnight, I dropped him off at a bar at his request. Yet another question mark arose in my head….a man that wants to go to a bar at midnight?
He had agreed to perform his poetry at my fundraiser for Haiti. The earthquake left me in a state of sorrow for the beautiful people and this was my way of giving back; I presented artists of all genres to the community: bellydancers, poets, piano, vocal, musical theater…it was a show of shows. I went to pick him up hours ahead of the performance time. He voiced his displeasure with this. I explained that as the producer of this show it was important for me to be on the site to make sure that everything was in order; a problem had already been relayed to me.
Upon entering his place, his face went aghast at the sight of my outfit. He changed twice and was still unsatisfied. He told me to go and that he would catch the bus. After thirty minutes of the show being in full swing, he texted me to say that he would not be able to make it with an apology. What was my problem with this? He knew that he wasn’t coming when I left his place.
That pesky question mark appeared in my head again. This is someone that has a possible romantic interest in me? This certainly was not his best foot. I saw no need to keep in contact with someone that was so unclear about himself. Shortly after that, I noticed that we were no longer Facebook friends. Alas, there wasn’t a pesky question mark over this deletion.
We had seen a each other a few times. It was not anything that was going to change life but just time spent with another human being. The term boyfriend came up during a phone conversation one evening. He had a fit. I was quickly told that this was not a serious relationship and that he did not want there to be any misunderstandings. His words struck a chord with me and sent my mind into a deep pensive state.
I was very aware of the fact that this was not a serious relationship; however, the swiftness in which it was relayed to me was startling. The time that we did spend together was always cut short by a party that suddenly interrupted my Friday night. I was under the impression that Friday evenings were spent in social arenas. If you were seeing someone, the two of you entered such arenas together. That was not the case. Imagine planning to spend an evening with someone. You arrive. Perhaps a meal is shared. You settle in for the evening…only to hear, “I am going to a party tonight. What are you doing?”
Instead of investing any more time with such endeavors, I chose to inform this individual that since we were not girlfriend and boyfriend, perhaps we should act more like friends. My visits stopped. The calls vanished. Any form of communication on my part evaporated as I looked into other avenues of social developed along the lines of dating. It was not too long after this that strange phone calls in the middle of the night began.
It was late one Friday night. My phone rang with an unrecognizable number. I answered only to hear, “Do you miss me?”. My response indicated that I did not know whom was speaking. He seemed a bit confused that my expression did not even recognize his existence. Another few weeks went by. The phone rang again. “I just returned from a cruise to the Bahamas. I do not know why I kept thinking about you.” Hmmm……why didn’t you think about me prior to going on the cruise?
This is how people without an aim in life can deter your desires. I wanted a boyfriend but this individual wanted a friend that happened to be a woman. Once this was clear to me I moved on. Unfortunately for him, he still clinged to the notion that the illusion in his head was all I could possibly want. He soon impregnated another woman and married her. I am happy that it was not me.