What a question for me to answer. When I think of my foundation from my 30s, going into the third year of my 40s seems very comfortable. Empowered, silent, loquacious, lost, found…I have been at every place in the spectrum. Men, women, dogs, cats…been there done that. Is there something left for me to conquer? But of course.
This time next year will find me writing. Healing myself and others. My schedule will have a girls’ night in written in it. I will have one maybe two performing student ensembles in addition to a radical Bespoke gathering of black musicians. Massages and manicured nails shall return with the impromptu visits to the nude beach. Free spirited and happy.
You may be wondering about my private life. At some point there may be someone that I want to be with. However, for the next few years, I do not want to worry about anyone but myself. It has been quite a rocky road in this particular department of my life. People can make life quite heavy. Well, these arms do not want to carry anything other than joy. I can do bad all by myself. I can also make myself happy. This equation should not be complicated until further notice.
When this year began, mixed feelings ran rampant. My broken heart lay all over the floor while spiritually, an elevation began. Frustration, confusion, and inner chaos ruled the world. My job was dreary and there were little to no performances. As the summer crept upon me, I looked at my favorite season with dead pan eyes. I threw myself into a new endeavor. Studied. Highlighting. Questions. Passed the test. Green shirt and all. Motivation & encouragement. Being around emotionally intelligent people was completely new to me.
Hurricane season beckoned a return to my regular day job. I was less than enthusiastic but the mortgage awaits no emotion. My mind focused on the student appreciation from last year and how much little hearts sang for music. Compositions were arranged for their delight. Funding suddenly appeared for a project. The spark was ignited. Ideas strike me at all hours of the day. My entire body exists with an inner euphoria. Little people request hugs. Questions that show engagement are more frequent. All of this out of the middle of nowhere.
The emptiness that I felt has gone the way of the world. There is a reason for me to wake before the sun. My phone rings in the evening. It keeps me happy and a part of the world. All of the bad feelings that pestered me during the first half of 2019 have simply ended. Happiness feels good.
After the trials and tribulations of a frustrating year, my sudden discovery of happiness is rather scary. Joy has fallen out of the sky. The nights of contemplating life and what I want from it have been replaced by straight slumber and a snore. There is an inner flame that drives me through the day. Its as if there a smile from the inside that allows me to semi-float.
A pleasant turn of events started it all. Going above and beyond attracted appreciation which inspired me. Ideas strike me at all times of the day and text messages are constantly flying. While my diet needs work and my daily sleepiness is cause for an exercise moment, my general demeanor is bringing smiles from others as well as from myself. It is a welcome change in my life.
Two hours worth of driving. Potholes threatened to ruin my alignment forever. My morning shower seemed like a distant memory and the last two stops seemed overwhelming. I decided to stop for dinner. After a hearty meal of fast food, I called my next stop to see if an impromptu appointment was possible. The conversation was abrupt and devoid of success. My last stop never happened. Home was my sole destination after yet another day of not selling a single policy.
All sorts of horrible thoughts ran through my mind. This is not for me. I have already gone way out of my comfort zone and it isn’t working. There is a deadline on this pursuit for me now. Thoughts of my most recent love came to mind, and how I was treated ever so poorly. It haunts my mind without reason. How far have I come only to stumble on the rock that could lead me back into the rabbit hole.
The water fell upon my body and rescued me from petrified detriment. Online shopping commenced in order to improve my depleted closet. Did I break into tears? No. Moping? Yes. Do I want chocolate? Absolutely, but my need for chocolate has caused a new dress size that embarrasses me to say aloud. Back to Netflix and chill. Monday starts another week.
Each hurricane season causes a surge in general anxiety with the South Florida public. Home Depot and Publix are descended upon. Bottled water and canned foods become hot commodities. Gas stations have lines longer than Disney, and FB circulates the most hilarious of storm memes. The National Hurricane Center become front and center for the world to see. Then there is me.
I live alone. It is rare that I am in an actual relationship. The few friends that I do have are all in relationships or something of the sort. For my own sanity, staying with my family is completely out of the question.
I do not think constant criticism in the middle of hurricane force winds is appropriate. My home is where I shall stay by my lonesome. It is the first time that an approaching storm has found me in such a position. One has to wonder about the state of affairs in which I find myself.
The hole was hungry, and I was the food. There was no way out. Everything that I tried failed. Resources where withering away. Appointments were rescheduled. Merchandise sold but the funds were on hold. People wanted to book for their events but had to review sponsorship. Waxing and the cleaning lady were canceled. Suddenly, food became an alarming issue along with gas. Bills fell to the wayside. At least the mortgage was paid. There was nothing else for me to do.
Under normal circumstances, a grown woman in such a dire situation would reach out to her significant other or even her family for assistance. There is not a significant other, and my mother chooses to look down at me as a peasant. The women on Biscayne Blvd and 70th street came to mind. While trying to remain calm, I knew that there had to be people that I knew that would object to such thinking. I reached out to them. Cash App dinged within seconds.
This is called survival mode. As each passing minute slides by, I have to figure out how to take care of all of my responsibilities. It can be a rather overwhelming situation which can leave a girl feeling hopeless and completely alone. Fortunately for me, there are a trusted few that refuse to let me hit rock bottom without a pillow. All I have to do is have enough food and gas until next week Thursday. I can do this.
Sunday: A Moment in Self Affirmation
In life, there will be moments when you must realize that God has designated something just for you. It could be a person, an experience, or maybe even an opportunity.
Do not block your blessing by sharing it with others or posting it on FB. Backlash and jealousy lurk all around like lions after wildebeest on the Serengeti. All you need is for the wrong finger to dip into your pot of gold and the stench of tarnish shall slowly rise to the surface.
Cover yourself with an abaya. Understand that an under layer is key to your development. You do not have to reveal all that you are. You have value and carry it with you in all arenas. It isn’t about leaving others out. It is about allowing yourself to hold the key to get in. Be well lovely women.
The sounds of a horrible crash awakened me from my sweet slumber. My eyes opened with curiosity. What the hell happened? As I rushed to the window, the imaginary black cat meowed behind me. It wasn’t long before an ocean of red lights flickered frantically as assistance was required. My head shook from left to right as I sauntered off to sleep.
As my eyes opened again, the realization of three dreams popped up and I began to work on them. Breakfast soon followed with the thought that Saturday is going to be amazing. I’m headed to Naples today for a performance. It is the only productive thing on my schedule today. This makes me proud.
Long gone are the days when I would work myself to a pulp only to show up frazzled and incomplete. When I need a break, I take a break. If a certain area of my life is going to become hectic, everything else must die down. Self preservation is important because the world will continue with or without me. This is a lesson that I learned in my last decade.
Sometimes, it is best to escape everything in your life. You have to schedule time to get out of your own head. Just sit in silence and think of absolutely nothing. Form a bubble around yourself and just exist if only for a moment. Such a retreat is healthy and can help you get through the daily hustle.
You can have your lunch in a park. Go into a church and enjoy a reflective moment. Maybe that coffee shop around the corner has the perfect cup for you and afternoon solitude. Whatever floats your boat, use it to your advantage.
Monday: A Moment of Fear
Fear is something that can cripple you. You can keel over from fright never to return. The bravest of warriors have fear in their hearts; however, what makes them legendary is that they have the courage to push through it and win. We are no different.
When you stop to think that we as women can bring forth life, that is an awesome power given to us by our creator. Many of us multi task as if we are running Fortune 500 companies. It is perfectly natural to be a little frightful especially when stepping out of your comfort zone. The part that distinguishes you from the rest of the pack is that you continue to step anyway.
Love & light,
Crystal A. Sawyer