There it was. The one comment that made me take pause. Why on earth would someone tell me that paradise was lackluster? It was not until a dear friend pointed out the intent that I realized the gravity of the matter. I was hit on and did not even know it. It is my nature to encourage people and actively support them. When no one else believes in you, I am that cheerleader on the sidelines rooting for the upcoming victory. You do not have to be my friend or romantic interest; you could be a business. I believe in vision and support it with my heart as well as my dollar. Apparently, this was taken to heart and suddenly, my presence became important.
Why did this go over my head? Part of me has given up on love. There is no interest in pursuing anything in the one department that has failed me for the duration of my life. For whatever reason, Cupid has seen fit to simply overlook me. Life changes have enabled more pounds on my tall frame, and these days do not find me dressing in the manner that I would necessary like. Once again my hair is a mystery to me. From where did the sudden hit originate?
Men and women alike to have their dreams recognized and encouraged. They want someone to listen to the things that they want for themselves. It is not enough to be somewhat present for the struggle but also encourage the triumphs while mourning the failures. You have to be a part of it. A perfect example of this is how a child acts when you say something good about what they have done. More often than not, they look for excuses to interact with you because you make them feel good with praise and encouragement. Adults are the same.
You must be wondering what I shall do about the individual. Absolutely nothing. He is not my type. He needs to work out his issues with his paradise and find his Zen. I am over here working on me and mine.
People die every day. We are only hearing about these people because they are famous. The contract was complete. They fulfilled the terms and it was time for them to return to the source. They will go through the review of this lifetime and face God prior to preparing for the next assignment.
She was dressed in all white for the tea. As my song came to an end, she shared her enthusiasm for my performance. She requested my info in case she married again. I smiled and said that it could happen. Her response was that she was 86. I blinked and said , “And…”. This is where the story gets interesting. She divorced her sole husband at the age of 26 and never remarried because she simply could not deal with people. I felt my eyes grow wider as my entire being focused on this fascinating information. Now at age 86, men are chasing her and she does not know if she wants a boyfriend. This woman put my entire life into perspective in a matter of five minutes.
I have spent many years of my life alone. My thirties were all about me and my life. The time to focus on myself and develop in any way I chose was present. It was a beautiful gift that many women have wished for but will never receive. By the same token, I have never been that girl to always have someone at my side. People from high school know me as the girl that no one wanted to be with for whatever reason. I am simply not on the love radar. There have been several relationships in various forms.
At this stage of the game, I hope that there is someone that God intends for me. Life is better with someone you love. While my heart has been the victim of many an unfathomable relationship, there is still that small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there just for me.
There she stood. Grouchy as a toad. It was first thing in the morning, and the smile simply was not there. Her day was surely destined to crash and burn. I have seen her job and this stance was completely understandable. She is always being interrupted while facing daily deadlines while dealing with unruly adults. I stopped heading for the front door and decided to go back around and give her a hug. She is a friend after all, and is simply a positive person in a funk…before 9am.
“Let’s take a picture together…” came from my mouth as I reached for my cell. The next thing I knew, three other women tried to jump in the picture. We had to try all sorts of angles to get the wide smiles into the frame. When we finally achieved our goal, everyone walked away laughing. It was not until later that day that I realized….a simple gesture on my part had changed the energy of the room.
As an adult, I have come to realize that I always hated when my mother would try to talk to me about personal matters: my first kiss, my first boyfriend, always asking questions about my menstrual cycle. In my opinion she simply was not the right person to have an open conversation with and still is not. Why?
Imagine wanting to have a genuine conversation with an individual that is supposed to automatically be on your side. Now you hear criticism that is not constructive for every action or feeling that you have followed by negative commentary. Throw in unsolicited advice here and there for situations that were never brought to said individual’s attention. Why on earth would anyone subject themselves to such misery?
Serious relationships have come and gone. Pain and heartbreak. Joy & euphoria. None of it has been shared with her. I look at other mother daughter relationships and admire how close they are. What is it like to have a mother that is fierce with her support of her daughter? Even without this important relationship in my life, there are still many blessings.
There are other maternal women that treat me like their own daughters. There are friends that treat me more like family than a friend. Such bonds help me to remain thankful for the life that I have and the people that I know. There is more to life than a text or FB messenger.
Years ago, I walked into a restaurant to meet my boyfriend. He was a white Latin male that did not believe in God. The slow steady gaze of a young black man fell upon me as I navigated the maze of aisles. He was puffing heavily on a cigar. God only knows what was going through his mind. He did not speak or change his expression. I was in love with this rotund outcast of sorts. It was a love that turned my life upside down and tore at the very foundation of my family.
This scene is almost twenty years old. Life penetrated my interracial fantasy and love soon faded. There were too many forces pulling us apart. To this very day, I have loved others but I can not say for certain that I fell in love again. I do not even know if I want to feel that way for fear of losing all rational. It was the most trying time of my life.
Do you ever wish that you could go back in time and change your college major? As I piece together the life that I think that I want, it dawns on me that my degree does not necessarily lend itself to my future. Africana studies. Womens’ studies. Ethnomusicology. By the same token, many people with degrees in these areas end up in the very job that I have now: education……
It was another church service. I must have been in middle school. There I sat in the church service next to my mother. We never sat in the front but more towards the back. People were going up to the altar as the pastor gave his call. This is something that never resonated with me. It was a very emotional time for many people but it simply left me in an unbothered state. However, on this day, my mother decided that both of us were going to the altar.
She was sitting to my left instead of my right. I would have to move in order for her to leave the pew. She stood there hastening me to get up and go with her. It was the last thing on earth that I wanted to do. My eyes could have cried tears of embarrassment. There I was in front of the entire church; uncomfortable.
Saturday morning has found me wide awake in my comfortable bed. As I search youtube for uplifting videos, I wonder about the direction of my life. What do I want and how do I plan to get there? Have my priorities changed? Does my dream remain under the moon? I have been wanting to leave this job for well over ten years now, but has a formal step been made? No. Where am I now in the second month of the New Year?
The summons was waiting for me as I came in from my hectic day at work. My fingers furiously dialed the number to my lawyer’s office. The sweet paralegal was on the receiving end of my profane disbelief that I was in the middle of this. The City required my presence at a hearing complete with a magistrate because my lawn was not replaced in a timely manner. If a growl was possible from me, it would have been heard around the world.
The morning of the hearing brought my existence to a nervous state. Why exactly was this happening? One of my newer outfits was chosen to adorn my person for the appearance…over my lawn. I even went early so that I could relax in the garden. Just before the stroke of doom, Natasha, my fierce lawyer, appeared ready to slay. It was obvious that she was not about to take any prisoners on this day.
She summoned the officer and engaged him in conversation. I sat off to the side thinking of how he once gave me a violation on my birthday. My name was called to go to the magistrate. It felt amazing to have someone else represent me and handle the legality of it all. The discussion was short, and I was free of the predicament with a $50.00 check. However, the experience made quite an impression on me.
Abandonment is something that has become a resurrected theme in my life which leaves a girl quite speechless. However, Natasha made me feel like I was supported by an entire company. It went beyond a job for her. It was more than her professional responsibility. At that precise moment, she embodied what all of us should be doing for each other. We should show up. We should speak up. We should represent and complete the village no matter how small or large the task. I gave her flowers to show my appreciation but it does not begin to explain the bold act that she executed.