12:18am

My phone rang at 12:18am and immediately hung up. I checked the number to see what was happening and instantly recognized the caller. It was the sister of my former bff. Former because she used and abused me for years until she crossed a line from which our “friendship” never recovered. I banished her into another realm along with her jealousy and insecurities. Why on earth would her sister still have my number to call me by “accident” at that time of morning?
I reached out to a neutral friend that had background information. Apparently, she received a phone call approximately three months ago which began with a reference and then turned into a book about me. The sister was suddenly put on threeway to discuss me. My sexuality was questioned with rumors and the sentiments about me needing Jesus were made. My friend chose to respond by saying that she kissed a girl before and like it. She also went on to say that I live my life in a manner that makes me happy. I am free spirited and will continue to do what I want. No information about whom I am kissing or worshipping.
It was 2009 when this dysfunctional friendship was deleted. She was causing major problems in my life because of her jealousy. My weight loss brought up a lot of ugliness out of her. Here it is 2017, and she has not released me yet. Why isn’t there anything in your life that is consuming you so that you are not worried about what I am doing? On the one hand I a flattered that you find me so interesting to the point of obsession. However, it is also a rather pathetic state of affairs that you are still so taken by me. Is perhaps your sexuality in question? Do you need Jesus? You do not go to church so shouldn’t your religious views be taken lightly?
At this stage of the game, there are certain things that I will not tolerate. This is why you never heard from me again. You are not relevant or conducive to further growth on my part. Your mistreatment taught me so much and gave me most of the material for the sisterhood. We do not have any place in each other’s lives anymore. You did exactly what you wanted to do with me and made a bed that you obviously have trouble laying in. Well, I am still here living my life, doing what I want. There are nicer people around me now. There isn’t anyone that is trying to use me or stab me in the back. My existence is celebrated. I get the opportunity to have deep conversations with people and genuine feelings are shared. Some experiences are good. Some experiences are not so good, but they are all mine to reflect upon. Maybe one day, you can also heal from the trauma that you call a life and be happy for yourself.

Possessive

She erased our plans because her boyfriend did not like the fact that she talked about me all the time. How does this action help the situation? Didn’t she just further enable his possessive behavior? This is a small step away from failing to buy an olive (reference the post, “THE OLIVE”). Many women have expressed a need to keep their friendship gatherings to themselves because for some strange reason, their boyfriends will create some strange scenario which further engages their time. Then there are the couples that do everything single thing on the planet together. If friendships are allowed to continue, the new flavor of the month has to tag along everywhere. Girls’ night is suddenly awkward because Greg is here. Where is the individual time to breathe as a person? Why, there are some that make plans entirely around the availability of their boyfriends. Others yet ask permission…..WHAT?

It is a complete mystery to me why these things take place. I was under the impression that a woman was her own person and had the right to do as she pleased. Yes, of course there is couple time which is important; however, why is a woman expected to sacrifice her life just to please a man? Wait. I am wrong. How does a woman fall under the impression that she has to sacrifice her life just to make her mate stick around? It seems as if that is too much to ask for the sake of a relationship. Is it truly worth having at that point? No friends. No outside interaction. Sad.

A Christmas story of mine comes to mind. Plans were made with a rather tall individual. His height pierced the sky. We were going to rendezvous after spending time with our families on Christmas Day. He would call me later in the day. The call never came. Instead of pouting, I spent the remainder of the day with my family and enjoyed myself. Boxing Day morning rolled around and it found me en route to fun with a friend. My cell phone rang. The deep voice announced that he was driving to my home at that very minute. My brown eyes blinked as these words were said aloud, “I am not at home……bye bye…”. Weeks later, I was informed that my panties were in a bunch because I did not try to accommodate the fact that he was coming to my home. My brown eyes blinked again as I heard my own voice calmly explain that the plans were not properly executed for whatever reason on Christmas Day. Why was I then expected to be twiddling my thumbs wasting away an entire day afterwards awaiting the arrival of Prince not so Charming? Perhaps, he expected me to drop everything and rush back to my house to greet him. Needless to say, nothing ever came of that relationship because I am just not that kind of girl. I do not bark on command, and I certainly do not do as I am told.

Earlier this year, it was my extreme pleasure to sit down and have a nice long conversation with a rather impressive sister of mine. She is very much into the days of the goddess and things of the like. She put my confusion into words. Every time a woman allows a significant other to dictate the flow of her life, the sisterhood experiences a betrayal. This statement resonated with me a great deal as I thought about the different friendships that were destroyed because of the presence of insecurity. How many times did Maggie vanish? (another Olive post reference). A woman needs more than one person in her life. It takes a village to raise a child but you must then live in that village. When the men go off to hunt, wouldn’t it be nice to go and chat with your sisters? How is that going to happen if you abandon them all and just wait in that house for your hunter to return?

I reconnected for a brief time with the individual that had to cancel our plans because of her jealous boyfriend. When she saw me, she immediately stopped what she was doing and we hugged each other for what seemed like an eternity. We were so very happy to see each other. It was wonderful to see her. She looked great. She is still with the insecure male. She still has my prayers.

When the Sunflower Closes: THE DEATH OF A STRONG WOMAN BY THE POISON OF A WEAK MAN

You knew her as the bright bubbly one. A daredevil. She would do and try anything under the sun. She is a sweet person to be around and takes excellent care of herself. A man enters the picture. You then watch your once sunflower of a friend diminish to nothing more than a seed. It begins with not seeing you as much to not seeing you at all because it causes too many problems with the person to whom she clings. While this is not always the case, I have witnessed it too often. It was part of the reason why LadySpeaks began in the first place. Why do women settle for less than what they deserve to the point that they alter themselves in every way shape and form in order to please an entity that will not serve their higher good?

She stops dancing. She stops being herself. Her normal haunts are no longer haunted even though she secretly wants to be there. The family fades into the background and girlfriends vanish entirely. If you do catch her in passing, she does smile and hug you but there is something obviously wrong. I turns into we with misty eyes. There is not much that you can do but watch from afar. If you do choose to wait, if she returns to her true self, welcome her with open arms. I have had the great fortune of doing this. It feels wonderful.

It goes back to the origin of the damn olive that continues to roll. She would rather cling to a man that will sleep with her at night than to be alone. If the knight in shining armor takes you away from the lifestyle that made you happy for the sake of riding his stick of poison, how does this uplift you? When you live under a controlling imp, you crumble and darkness encircles you.
My sister, you die a slow death instead of living a full life. A life that you once knew.

SETTLING FOR HIM: THE ULTIMATE EXCUSES

THE LIST
1.) I have never really gotten serious in a relationship because of my children(please note that the children are college age).

2.) I have been with him for ten years. Who else would I date? I do not like being with a lot of people.

3.) Maybe one day, I will meet someone that will actually love me and want to get married.

4.) You should not turn him away. Don’t you know how many women would be happy just to have a man to talk to?

5.) Sorry that I have to cancel our plans today. He wants to spend time with me.

MY REACTIONS
1.) Children are not scape goats that exist simply to be used to cover your fear of rejection or attempts at being happy just for yourself. Children are happier when their parents are happy.

2.) You have been with a man for ten years. He doesn’t want to move in. He doesn’t want to marry you. There is nothing wrong with such things. Oh wait a second, you want to live together and get married. Instead of dumping this pattern that he has trained you for, you simply give up your dreams just to keep this bastard. Why? Because you do not want to be alone. In truth, it may do you some good so that you can analyze what you really want.

3.) You will never meet anyone that will love you because you do not love you. Instead of wasting your time dreaming that prince charming will suddenly spring forward out of the relationship that you have, get rid of him so that you can get what you really want!
My biggest problem with this list is that I have actually heard all of these statements.
There are women that want to be married so badly that they live with a man for years upon years awaiting a proposal that of course never comes. Sometimes, the woman receives an engagement ring only to be left in limbo that never concludes with marriage.

4.) I don’t need a man just to talk to just for the sake of talking to him. I don’t need a man to complete me(I HATE THAT SAYING!). I may want one to have compassion, passion, love, joy, and humor…an actual relationship filled with good components.

5.) If you are able to surrender yourself so easily for the minor whims of a man that may not be here tomorrow, you may not find your comfort in your friends when he finds someone else that has a backbone. I was actually asked if I would cancel at time with friends if my man wanted to hang out with me just the other day…let me pause for effect….I have never cancelled plans with friends to hang out with a boyfriend and have no intentions of doing so in the future. A man that is secure in his manhood will have no problems with his woman spending time with her friends. He will actually appreciate the time apart to continue is own self-discovery and perhaps a football game with his boys.

My biggest problem with this list is that I have heard all of these statements. I am sure that many of you have as well. Unfortunately, many women believe that they are in competition with other women for the attention of a man. I did not know a man was that important…well, to others. The only competition that should be in existence is the one between who you were yesterday vs. who you are today: was there an improvement? If a man does not want to marry you, why do you want to marry someone that does not want to be with you? Is this for the opportunity to wear the expensive white dress and have everyone stare at you? Throw a party!!!

Some of you will remember the episode of Sex in the City where Carrie cancelled on Miranda because Big wanted to see her at the last minute. This violates some sort of sister code for me. She took the time out of her busy schedule to bond with you because she felt it was important, and you dropped her for the shot at some guy. Ladies, how do you feel when you are awaiting your girlfriend only to be surprised by her and her beau?(no notice or consideration for your private girl time). What about the famous last second cell phone call, “Do you mind if he comes?” DON’T PUT ME IN THIS AWKWARD POSITION! If I wanted to spend time with both of you, I would have said so. What happens if I respond no or we can reschedule if you want to spend time with him without hurting my feelings; is that now going to affect our relationship?

More women have yet to reach the realization of the importance of their time with friends; other women. You can have a mate and friends without sacrificing either. All too often, the “Maggie Syndrome”(read The Olive) occurs and it is very sad. As I pen this post, my mind reflects on the last circle of sisterhood on the Aquarian Full Moon. A portion is listed here:

Each sister that attended received a message from me: I wanted to thank all of you for taking the time to come to the womens’ circle this evening on the full moon. It was wonderful to share and connect with all of you in our sacred space. Remember to build on such connections. Please keep in touch. No sister of mine is a stranger. I look forward to seeing all of you in the future. Stay blessed, and remember your time in the circle.

I urge all women to remember your time in your respective circles: family, coworkers, friends, etc. Seek the knowledge of your grandmothers and listen to the adivce of your mother. Your time in such company is important. Time with your sisters is important. Remember your sacred time in all circles. By doing so, you honor yourself.

THE OLIVE PART II: IT CONTINUES TO ROLL

TUESDAY, JULY 10, 2012

It was five minutes prior to the Happy Hour potluck on a Friday evening when we were informed that one of the guests would not be in attendance.  Everyone present already knew why without asking.  One rogue guest texted back asking what was the name of the guy.  The response confirmed that we had been tossed away at the last minute for a date.  There wasn’t even the courtesy of clear communication.

Relationships are important.  They often teach us valuable lessons about life and ourselves.  What is the lesson when a woman allows a man to control her time including her bonding with her friends?  Get comfortable.  I will even give you a minute to get some snacks.  If anyone is getting popcorn, please share with me.

There can be many reasons for such enabling: little to no self esteem, body image issues, extreme fear, loneliness, and the list continues.  However, it is hard for one to seek assistance for such problems if denial is present or doesn’t desire true change.  A person can want change, but it does not happen without a true dedication on the part of the individual.  It requires a large amount of effort that many are not prepared to execute which then gives birth to creative excuses.  It is often easier to remain in an unhealthy pattern inside a cage with an open door.  I will use the example of weight loss.

Client # One

She approaches her fitness trainer.  “Can we schedule my privates for this month? I want to make sure that I can have them in between my normal classes so that I can maximize upon my endurance.  Also, do you have any handouts on nutrition? I started cooking more often and want to understand what I should be eating…”.

Client # Two

This client is “friends” with the first client and sees her success and is jealous of it.  She wants to have the weight drop off too but realizes what it would truly take to make that happen.  This is how she approaches the instructor.  “I want to schedule privates with you.  How much are they? Yes, I know that I asked you this three times last week but wanted to make sure.  I wouldn’t mind losing weight, but this is so much work.  I would rather go shopping for more clothes or go to dinner.  The class is a full hour?  I do not know.  I will get back to you….”(and of course never does)

I do not feel the need to elaborate on this scenario any further.  It speaks for itself.

Many of the mentioned issues that we face could be eliminated or at least worked on if we could come together and discuss them; yes, in the sacred circle.  The circle is connected and supported on all sides.  Women used to do this as a regular practice long ago. We supported each other openly which made our journey easier.  We were not isolated or left to feel overwhelmed.  We spoke our hearts and minds together in a safe sisterly environment.  Sincere conversation about ourselves could go a long way to find solutions or at least to begin the healing process.  We used to be sisters.  We used to take care of each other.  We used to have the wise women that served as our elders.  They were called upon to advise us in good times and bad.  Women still have these practices today but they need to be exploded on a grand scale.

 

A lot has happened to divide us and to keep us divided.  Many of you work tirelessly to help your sisters to heal themselves and the world.  These efforts must intensify in order for us to realize our true natural selves.  We have god given gifts that have been run into the ground and cast aside as evil or bizarre when in truth those gifts connect us to ourselves, to our spirit, to our universe.  We are natural born healers.  How is it possible for so many beautiful women with amazing talents to just end up at the bottom of their own lists? Women are important, and women need to know that, own the knowledge, and live in it.  The woman brings forth life into the universe.  The capabilities of a woman are endless, and they amaze me daily.  Let us stand together and embrace those that have yet to hear this message.  It starts with one desire, one voice, one thought of change.  My desire for this feminine unity brought me to this blog.  What will your desire bring you to do? Organize a festival, create a circle, maybe even compose a song or make a phone call.  Whatever it is…we can do this together. My candle is lit, and I am passing you a match.

THE OLIVE

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I have shared it several times before and here it is again.  Women should buy olives.  Yes, I realize that you are wondering where I am going with this but watch as this one unfolds.

When I was in college, I had a friend named Maggie(name has been changed for privacy).  We hung out quite often. One day, she told me that she met a guy. They went out on a couple of dates. Being the naïve college student, I had no idea that I wouldn’t see Maggie anymore. She completely vanished. A few years after that, I was enrolled in my area of concentration. By the end of the term, one girl announced that she was leaving college to get married. This decision baffled me because I didn’t understand why she couldn’t get married and finish her degree. I did not understand why her education was being tossed away so carelessly; however, it was a large beautiful ring.

After I began working, I acquired an associate that was a peculiar individual. She had her acrylic nails worked on each week and loved to gamble. I was really friends with her sister and they were a package deal; this situation made for many entertaining moments. One day, I was telling her how I had just purchased different types of olives and was excited about serving them. She responded with, “Oh, I love olives, but I never buy them because my boyfriend doesn’t like them…”. A look of confusion presented itself on my face. Normally with this particular individual, I allowed such nonsense to go unchallenged by my thoughts, but this was too much for me to stomach. “You do not buy olives because your boyfriend doesn’t eat them?” She slowly admitted her folly, and we continued with other topics of the day. However, this olive scenario has replayed itself over and over again; The complete surrender of a life for the interest of a man.

While attending graduate school, I was given the opportunity to support a local medical scholarship by attending a brunch at a seafood restaurant. The invite came from a business associate whom also insisted that I bring a friend.  Well, I invited this same peculiar individual; my mistake. She was quite excited when I told her about the invitation which indicated that she wanted to attend. When I asked her if she would like to accompany me, her response was,…”Oh well, I don’t know because my boyfriend has a race that day…”. I am assuming that I was supposed to conclude that she had to be with him; however, I would have preferred a very clear yes or no. I responded that since she was busy, I would invite someone else. She agreed that another person should accompany me. Why did she then turn around and tell her sister that she was upset that I went with another person? Wait, allow me.

You chose to cling to your boyfriend instead of doing what you really wanted and also expected me to settle for something other than my true desire because you did. This foolishness then went to the next level because you voiced your poor feelings to your sister and not me. In truth, that was a wise choice because there would have been a serious issue had this been shared with me directly. (Before you ask, I do not deal with these drama queens anymore.) Unfortunately, similar scenarios play out all the time.

The olive rolls further.  Men have often fallen in love with dancers of the Middle Eastern art form, known as bellydance to many.  Many of those men marry such dancers.  Many still then find themselves asking their wives to give up dancing.  Unfortunately, some of those women have stopped dancing at the request of their husbands which ultimately led to serious problems.  Where does the need to control your beautiful wife come into play?  Why does she have to give up something that makes her happy just to be with a mate?

All of these examples lead to one burning question.  Why do so many women feel the need to lay down their entire lives for the sake of a relationship?  The I do not want to be alone answer is a popular response.  It is a sentiment that is easily understood but at what cost should one pay to be in a relationship?  Some of the best moments of my life have happened when I was all by my lonesome.  I often recommend it for those that voice a need to find themselves.  It is possible to maintain your individuality while being in a relationship.  A mate should not “complete you” because you are enough by yourself.  If you are not, then that should be worked on before adding another person to the recipe.

How to Purchase the Olives(mere suggestions)

1.) Solitude– Spending time by yourself enables the mind to find clarity.  It helps you hear your own voice and figure out what it is telling you.

2.) Journaling– You can make your own journal or buy one that attracts your attention.  I often keep a few at once for different purposes.  How you maintain your journal is entirely up to you.  It can be daily, monthly, or whatever floats your boat.  Maybe you want to write Haikus instead of whole paragraphs.  You can track patterns in your life and observe what lessons you have learned.  You can also see what lessons you have yet to learn.

3.) Hobbies   Is there something that you enjoy doing?  Do you know what you enjoy doing? Maybe there is a dance class that you want to try or perhaps painting is a hidden passion.  Find something that you like and pursue it.  It could be one thing or a few…again make it work for you.  It is important to try new things so that you can find out what you like and what you don’t like.

4.) Travel    Traveling is good because it takes you away from your daily routine and gives you another sense of reality.  If you are able to travel to the other side of the world, that can really take you out of the box and give you a global perspective as opposed to just thinking the world ends in Disney or Key West.  The different cultures can inspire you and bring you refreshing perspective on your own.

5.) Your Thing     You are an individual.  There are ways in which you can handle your bag of tricks that are going to be different from anyone else.  You can create your own plan of execution that uses things that bring you joy and enhances your talents.  Your unique approach to your life can be developed to bring out the best in you.