Beauty is a Full Time Job

In order to maintain a beautiful appearance, a woman has to work hard. It costs money and constant attention. Once you start to get into the habit of looking in the mirror, other things start to reveal themselves and the fine tuning begins.
Let us begin with hair…..on the head. My hair happens to be natural. It has never been my friend. It requires combing. Brushing. Dye. Trims. Conditioning. Hot oil treatments. Special shampoo. Specified pillow case and scarf. It is not an easy job to maintain an afro of this proportion. Our next visit is body hair. Everywhere.
Eyebrows shape the face and can make a girl look like she has some spice. However, after about two weeks, they have to be shaped again lest one begins to resemble a creature from outer space. Facial hair is another pesky issue. It is not the most attractive thing on a woman’s face yet the damn thing grows. Tweezers and wax are the only things that I can say about such a nuisance. The armpits are a requirement if one plans to wear a tank top or go swimming. Did I hear someone mention the bikini line? The trimming of the bush is a personal matter. Some woman like to allow it to grow wild while others tame it with a weed whacker. My personal opinion is that if I am already spending all of this time on hair, I may as well have the complete neat look. Legs are easy thanks to pink gel and a pink razor.
Dare I bring up clothing? No. I shall back up to fitness and nutrition. One has to exercise and properly hydrate in order to look nice in clothes. Those pesky pounds can actually vanish if one decides to do a couple laps around the block a few times a week without visiting McDonalds. Once this is accomplished, different styles and colors can be found that a girl enjoys modeling for herself and the world.
Nails. When did women fall in love with painted nails? There are so many wonderful colors and just an abundance of styles: gel, acrylic, French, American, SPA! These days I favor glitter and some type of deep red or bizarre purple. It was recently shared with me that once should have a standing nail appointment. Well after dealing with the hair, a girl may not have the time to get to the nail salon. You may have to walk in the morning and work the rest of the day. The proper solution for this is: use your lunch hour.
Is it any wonder that there are so many different goddesses that are called upon for beauty support? A girl needs prayer to handle all of this. Where is my mirror…..

I DON’T LIKE YOU

People often wonder if I like them or not. The general rule of thumb is, if I like you, you may know…BUT, if I don’t like you, you will know and so will the rest of the world. Here is some feedback on the situations….

I like you if……

1.) If you get a lot of texts/msgs/calls from me.

2.) If I give you something and sort of start blushing in the corner.

3.) If I tell you that I don’t like you(not sure why)

3.a) If you get tapped and then told that I do not like you.

3.b) If you get tapped and then you are told something.

4.) If I ask for your opinion on something and listen to your feedback intently.

5.) If you receive an invite for tea/coffee/dinner.

5.A) If I give you candy/tea/coffee/meal(especially if I cook it myself…DAMN).

6.) If you receive a hug…damn, you are better than sliced bread.

7.) If I feel the need to sponsor a party in your honor….WOW!

8.) If you notice that I violate your personal space often…

9.) If you get hugged out of the clear blue because I was happy that you walked in the room…

10.) If I offer you a glass of wine…

11.) If you have ever been flashed(or received a threat of a flash)….you are very high on my list.

12.) If you notice that I will discuss anything(and I do mean anything…no topic is off limits…) around you, my comfort level with you is in the hemisphere.

13.) If I offer you a ride and you have to get to the other side of town.

14.) If you feel that I am a fan of your work…chances are very high that I LOVE YOU!

15.) If I tell you the truth without hesitation at all about you….on the money honey, I like you.

16.) If you receive random thoughts for me, this means that you get to see that aspect of me because I feel safe around you.

I do not like you if…..

1.) When you show up, I can’t be found.

2.) If I stare at you and don’t say a word.

3.) If you are in my presence and feel as if you do not exist…you got it, I do not like you.

4.) If you send me a text and I respond eat shit and die….on the money, I don’t like you.

5.) If you address me and notice that I have a great deal of trouble responding to you and I am not eating….I DON’T LIKE YOUR ASS.

6.) If you call me and I never call you back…..ever….

7.) If you call my voicemail and it says your name specifically…and then requests that you do not call me again in this lifetime or the next….(yes, I have done this)

8.) If I am very short with you in conversation..one word responses.

9.) If I look at you and you want to die from the disgust bullets that I am shooting at you…yeah, you are disliked by me.

10.) If I used to tell you that I do not like you…and it stopped. This happened to a boyfriend right before I broke up with him.

Unfortunately,there have been people that start off in the gray area and then place themselves in a negative spot. However, more often than not…people elevate themselves which is what makes life grand. The other thing is I have had friends whom I loved dearly but couldn’t be in the presence of their significant others which is uncomfortable as hell.

Bruhaha

Once you have reached the state of Bruhaha, things have escalated from the minute. Bruhaha will require the presence of another person either serving you chocolate lava cake from Dominoes or a nice tall glass of Moscato. This is the level of a situation where things have spun completely out of control after you have taken your minute, and now you just do not want to kill anyone. You request the presence of the cake slicer or wine pourer, and allow the festivities to begin. Some of you will recognize this as the former Jerry Springer Brunch or the newly installed Instant Happy Hour.

SOMETIMES, I NEED A MINUTE

This situation can occur at anytime on any day. It once happened in Victorias Secret because I found the sweet smelling glittery lotion, and I welled up. Most of the time it happens because of something hilarious that someone shares with me. My reactions have run the gammut when this minute is called: rolling on the floor as tears run down my face, pouting in the corner, silence before an outburst of laughter that lasts a good 5-10 minutes, or simply refraining from conversation for 2-3 days. I beleive that this minute keeps me somewhat sane and assists in my attempting to maintain balance and proper order in my life. The last thing that I need is to become bruhaha.

Sympathy

Sometimes, I want sympathy for being f***able. I was asked why I would want sympathy instead of congratulations. Well, I get congrats all the time. People stop me in the streets, friends admire(the fake ones were lost with the weight), and the sight of my own body in progress is a huge accomplishment for me. The sympathy comes in here.

The scheduling of classes alone takes up some time out of my day. When I have to reschedule a workout session, that is potentially detrimental because I like to have between 3-4 times a week in whatever studio I support at the time. I pay torturemasters to kick me around because if left to my own devices, I would give a Teletubby a run for its money. Once my body begins to detox, I can’t eat the same old junk anymore which requires healthy cooking. Did I mention the probiotics three times a day, the different teas, and water intake? I get to dress differently because my old clothes hang off me. Its a beautiful thing working towards a healthy version of me…but sometimes, Lady wants a hug of understanding how difficult it is trying to maintain the new me.

Maybe I shall ask my current instructors….