A Gentle Reminder
Last year was all about stripping away all of the fat and fluff, to get to the heart of the matter: me, myself, and I. It was a massive analysis of each life department and how to maintain it. It will take the remainder of my years to truly complete such a task. However, on Friday, a gentle reminder ensued.
When you make a woman smile, the world changes. Others benefit from her glow and the heaviness of the earth lifts ever so slightly. I made two videos of picture complications of friends and their work. I sent it to them. The emotions that followed were unreal. Confidence levels increased and they saw themselves as I see them: talented fierce individuals that are here to combat the patriarchy with their respective purposes.
We are living in a time when sexual harassment is being busted wide open. Men are finally learning the hard way that they can not exploit women for their own pleasure without paying a dire price for it. Women are entering politics in record numbers and holding key positions. STEAM is all the rage and little girls are aspiring to become airplane pilots instead of a flight attendant. The world truly is our oyster as the manly norms are slowly being chipped away.
It is important to remember that while all of this is taking place, we have to continue to adjust our crowns. Every day is not filled with roses and chocolates and when it is, we get fat. Many days are about the grind. Meet the deadline. Execute the flawless presentation. Get both clients in before the conference. This is why the word balance is so very popular. You can not be busy all of the time and you have to rest without feeling unproductive. Napping is my favorite hobby.
The New Year celebrations have ended. Everyone is staring at the scale and wondering if the gym membership is actually a thing. Beds are warm and coffee is hot. Monday will start a new work week in a new year. Hell is slowly rising to a steady boil.
The anxiety of leaving the wonderful break and returning to the hustle and bustle of the 9-5 leave me in complete and utter despair. The last two weeks have brought me a great balance of freelancing and rest. Napping became my sole pursuit and leaving the house was extremely unnecessary. The thought of leaving this behind is dreadful.
I’ve never been a resolutions individual. There may not even be goals written down somewhere. However, there are ideas that I am developing as I am truly a constant work in progress. Is there something that I want? Always. Are there things to be done? Until the end of time. Am I putting forth a minute by minute concentrated effort on one thing?
These days life happens one day at a time. The larger picture relies on the building blocks of the smaller days. This is not the time to grab it by the horns and ride like a cowgirl. The sound of the water is so peaceful and it should wash over me vs splashing around making waves. The day will come when I have to dig my feet into the ground. For now…..silence embraces me.
You have to know why you are here. Your purpose has to be clear as day to you. Hints may be dropped. The universe may gently push you in the right direction. Doors will magically open and people will respond to you….when you stand in your gift.
My father envisioned a world where I would one day continue my life without his earthly presence. He knew that being armed with a choice of weapons to survive would be key in my success. He made sure that I was educated. There were hobbies and happy memories. There was one area where I seemed to excel over anything else. Music.
A rare instrument was given to me. He paid for the lessons. He drove me to rehearsals and performances. He would sit next to me while I practiced. Loading and unloading harps became his whole weekend. My father is my biggest support system. When he departed from this realm, he was serenaded by musicians…one of which was of his making.
These days I spend my time entertaining seniors inside adult day cares. They sing along and delight in the tunes of yesteryear. Their joy and happiness are very rewarding for me. As 2020 approaches, I am excited about what is around the company for my entrepreneur contribution: Lady of Harp, LLC.
They were beautiful. I blinked and blushed. One asked about her dress. The other smiled. Another yet piled her locs upon her head and posed. The ding announced the arrival of pics on the cell. Great day in the morning. How does a red blooded woman handle such beauty sent via technology? Well, I blog….
Shortly thereafter, the commentary began. Some call it a thump. Others a tickle. Me? I call it movement. When the pussy wants to run around and do laps, she has scored her hurrah. The pussy has been harassed.
Unsolicited beauty in front of your face can cause an uncanny sexual reaction before you even begin the hectic work day. You know it is there. You can’t escape the ding. Do you offer a retort? Forward an emoji? Or live the rest of your day in complete and total sin? I suggest a healthy combination of all three…
The sun was barely in the sky. I found myself laying in bed fuming like a chimney. My mother had questioned my heavy weight despite my clear boundary of don’t. It continued with a laugh. I countered with a texting rant of how she has to respect my boundaries before I vanish again. I did not speak to her for two years and she wonders why.
Melancholy and forlorn, I bustled around my house. Her response indicated a zero balance in her negative account which left me speechless and pensive. Why did god choose this woman to be my mother? I will never know. She has caused many a day of pain in my life and this will be another one to add to the heap.
As my sandwich was consumed, I thought about the me of 2009. By now, I figured that I would be married with a family perhaps living elsewhere. Instead, I’m single and still reside in the same home. My heart knows more bitterness from failed romantic endeavors and has resigned itself to being alone. A divine union has eluded me for my entire adulthood. Love is beyond my grasp. People are used to me being alone. No one asks me if I’m seeing someone because I never am. I am not the girl that has tried on a wedding dress. It simply never happened for me. Then the spark came.
The relationship that I have with my mother is one of contention. She is unable to accept me for who I am. It has caused her to be jealous, bitter, toxic, and outright cruel towards me. Control freak, master gaslighter, and the ultimate complainer. Nothing has ever been good enough for her when it comes to me and I settled on the fact that it never would be in my younger days. When you compare this void to my love life, the complicated puzzle begins to make sense. Is it any wonder that I believe in Mother Mary so very strongly?
I am not Catholic. Mary was not a part of my upbringing beyond making Christmas appearances. As an adult, I have come to know her as a very loving presence that embraces you regardless of any trappings that a human life places upon you. She sees you as a being that she loves. Period. You are welcome in her family. You have a purpose and she supports you. She is the ultimate divine mother for whom I am grateful. There are other maternal presences in my life. There is a fairy godmother that cheers for me on the sidelines as well as a few aunties here and there. I wonder how my father shakes his head at the mess his widow has made in his eternal slumber.
As I sat in conversation with fam, I looked around and saw it with my own two eyes. You can not be an island. You have to belong to a community. You have to belong to something greater than yourself. There has to be a higher calling to which you answer.
We are not mindless beings living a life of solitude with bouts of social media. We have tribe. If you look closely, you have many tribes: church, work, friends, family, neighborhood. Unfortunately, we live in homes but not in communities.
How is it possible with all of the technology that is around that we do not know the names of our neighbors? Why are our senior citizens left alone to wither away? Why are we not seeking them out to be with us at our Thanksgiving dinner tables? Are we not all going that route?
Human trafficking is at an all time high. Why? Are we so caught up in our own issues that we can’t see that our children and women are being removed from civilizations and cast into the underbelly of society? What exactly are we doing? Another selfie? All of us should be disgusted.
I ask if each of you to be diligent. Yes, put yourself first. Yes, handle your affairs. Also, go into the lounge at work and eat with your coworkers. Instead of waving to that grandmother on the corner, stop by one day with flowers. Don’t text your cousin. Call her to come over for the weekend. Cook a meal and message your friends that dinner has been served.
Fellowship. Human connection. Bond over actual words. Have a real conversation. Talk about the weather. Ask someone about what they do for a living. Don’t separate before planning the next get together. Life is short and the clock is ticking away. Some of us are using hair dye.
Life will forever bring you ups and downs. Disappointments will run rampant and people will leave you, friend, foe, and lover. Hearts will break and tears will fall. However, in spite of it all, you have to have a foundation. For some, this is their religious faith. Other people have it in their families. For me? It is is simple.
All my life, music has been the one constant. Friendships have ended. Relationships have gone the way of the world. Music remains my ever faithful friend. It is always there for me no matter the situation. It is my honor to be called a musician.
What is your honor? How has god bestowed his grace upon you?”
The predicament with being an adult is focusing on what is truly important. Do we work every day to pay our bills or to enjoy the finer things that life has to offer? Perhaps the degree on your wall was attained in order to get a higher paying job instead of serving as the foundation for your passion.
The mindless running around day in and day out must end with a sound purpose. Do you know what you do what you do? Was that breakfast sandwich consumed because you didn’t go to Publix on the weekend or because it is a part of your routine?
We buy things that constantly clutter our lives. These expensive phones come with updates and more info than any one person can stand. Do you really need to have notifications from fb pushed to your phone or does it make you feel important?
Ask yourself questions that truly analyze your behavior. More often than not, we are a stranger to ourselves. Above all else, we should have a solid foundation in self. We should have certification in me, myself, and I. Anyone that thinks it is selfish is not equipped to then deal with other people.
You have to equip yourself with the necessary tools that are required just to get by and hopefully thrive. Hug. Call. Have fellowship with others. Engage in polite conversation that turns into deep reflective thought. What else are we doing? Staying attuned to social media? Life has more to offer. Make yourself available to it.
When I was growing up, my dad’s friend told me that I sounded like a little white girl. I did not know how to respond to that and he felt free to tell me. I guess since I was not splitting infinitives or using profane mannerisms, this made me an entirely different race. My love for classical music did not help matters. My elementary school was predominantly made up of white latin children. High school classes often found me as the sole black girl in the room. The one black sorority on my college campus wasn’t accepting anyone new. My boyfriend was not black which destroyed my family unit as I knew it. Because the abandonment hurt me so much, the relationship was short lived. It was my personal vow to never venture outside of my race again. The damage had been done by my own family unit.
There isn’t a single thing in this world that I could possibly want more than the embrace of this bed. The weight of the week has rendered me useless and I have been confined to the Sanctity of my home.
The veggies and quinoa simmered on the stove as a meal would be necessary.
The year is coming to a rapid end much to my liking. It has been a rather challenging and isolated experience from which I would like to be freed. There have been many a triumphant day and others that will remain in darkness. Perhaps the one thing that shall be my favorite is the shattering of yet another box by trying something new. The courage in itself was a success for me.
The blog rages on with new stories of life and woe without any regard for societal standards or needs for being polite. Real life is raw. It is pure in its simplest form and yet possesses a beauty all of its own. My neighbor rattles in the street while Oprah continues her soul raising interviews on YouTube. Saturday shall see me as a mermaid but tonight will see me as one with the pillow.